Pippi Picks

SHHH... YOU KNOW ME...

2012-01-30T19:20:00.003-05:00

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.JUST PUT IT ON:<3

Hurricane Watch: IS COCO OK??????

2011-08-27T16:43:00.007-05:00

It's the end of the world here in NYC.
AND IF I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED BY A HURRICANE, I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED WITHOUT PANTS ON!!I MEAN, I'M STILL GOING TO WEAR A TIE.

But I'm not happy about it.

THIS IS WHAT TUXEDO LEOTARDS ARE FOR: DIGNITY!

When the street floods, I'll be like, "ZZZZZ! I'm not wearing pants anyway, you assholes. Take my pants!"

BUT DON'T TAKE MY SUNGLASSES WITH ATTACHED GOLDEN EYEBROWS, YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!YOU. ASSHOLES!!!!!

You KNOW I can't see without my eyebrow glasses!!!!!!!Mayor's talking allllllllllllll about this hurricane, but NOT ONCE has he said, "Is COCO safe, fer chrissake???"

Wait - is Coco safe? Cabos...First day here,7 more days to go.Yah!"

Thank cog - she's fine. She's in Cabo.

She tweeted: "The sound of the waves while I bake is nice."

Ok, I feel better now. If Coco's safe, Sol Good.

Sorry for Partying

2011-04-27T13:14:00.000-05:00

SORRY!

Horse Shoes

2011-03-17T16:51:00.005-05:00

And speaking of Shortpants the Horse:

Loyal reader CHLOE just alerted me to some important news (by way of The Hairpin):

Horse shoes:
Yes. Shoes. That are hoofs. For you, a human, and not for your horse.Fuck you, my horse!
I get the hoofs, now.
I'm done with your hoofie hoarding.

Canceled Show on TLC: Hoof Hoarders.

Shortspants, the Name of a British Horse?

2011-01-13T11:51:00.002-05:00

A poem:

One side shorts
One side pants
Shortspants, shortspants
Shortspants dance.

Pippi Picks a Feather Crown

2011-01-12T11:31:00.003-05:00

For job interviews:

Feather crown!Interviewer: "What are some of your strengths and weaknesses?"
YOu: "Strength? My feather crown. Weakness? My incontinence."
Interviewer: HIRED. EASY.
YOU: Let's be best friends.
Interviewer: Haw shoo.
You: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I Heart French Kissing

2011-01-05T12:35:00.006-05:00

For Xmas, I got an Xtreme cold and have not been outside since New Year's Eve.

There's one fashion advisement that none of the mags are addressing: "Best Outfits for 2011 for When You Have Not Been Outside in 5 Days??" "Kick Off 2011 RIGHT by Refusing to go Outside for AT LEAST 5 DAYS." "2011 CLEANSE: Cleanse Yourself of All Sun, Activities, and Friends this New Year."

I am about to walk around the corner to the library to see if I can get snapped by paps for a "Stars or Pippi Without Makeup" expose like they are always doing to my Persecuted Panda:People think that being really sick is a bad time for romance, but I think that a snot-face means that you should really pump up the volume. I'm going to lure the paps with something like this:
And if they're from America and don't know what that is, I'll rip off that shirt to reveal this shirt:And if they STILL don't jump on my snot train, I'll get angrier and try this shirt:Unless, of course, I don't just go out in my "default" outfit, which Vicky Secret has named "Sexy Little Santa:"
"HEY PAPS! IT'S ME, SEXY LITTLE SANTA. I'M ONE SICK SANTA. LITERALLY SICK. REALLY SICK. I'M A BAD GIRL. I FEEL BAD, GIRL. I ATE A SOUP. DICK SOUP. I'M SOOOO NAAASSTY. MY BOOBS ARE COVERED IN GERMS. WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND HAND ME SOME KLEENEX? THANKS. OK. LET'S GO TO A HOTEL. SO I CAN SLEEP AND WATCH DOCUMENTARIES. CAN I COUGH ON YOUR BUTT? THANXXX."

Game over.

NYE Do-Over

2010-12-29T11:26:00.004-05:00

Hold on, hold on!!

SCRATCH what I said before about what you should wear on New Year's Eve!
THIS is what you should wear on NYE:
And cut your head off so you look like this mannequin.
No! Unsafe!! Unsanitary!!! Sad!!!
OMG!!! How will this mannequin french at midnight????

Friends, I hope you french 20 strangers this NYE!
May your love be as pure as the love between Panda Anderson and Kid Rock:What a special Panda!!!

Plan Ahead for NYE

2010-12-10T10:37:00.004-05:00

I'm not really sure what this is, but I think you should wear it on New Year's Eve:You can wear it with your clogs so everyone will hear you walking around!
Clop, clop, clop!
"Here's comes a pants-less horse!!" they'll yell.

You can yell, "NEIGH!" or "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" or whatever you want.

And you can top it all off with a classic New Year's Hat!
Wear two hats: Your indoor hat......and your outside hat:Lookin' fine.

How to Fuck with Your Kids

2010-12-07T11:38:00.005-05:00

If your kids want a dog but you don't want a dog......get them these shoes instead:

Your dumbass kids won't even know the difference. You'll be like, "Did you walk the dog today?" and they'll be like, "Yeah. He peed."
That's when you'll realize that your kids have really pulled a fast one.
"We taught this dog to sit," they'll say, or "I'm taking the dog in for show and tell."

When they turn 21, you can sit them down and say, "You know how our dog has lived much longer and with fewer health problems than your friends' childhood dogs?" and they'll say, "Yeah..." That's when you can say, "Honeys, I got you a shoe for a pet as a child," and they'll say, "I freakin' love you, mom. You knew just what to do."

A few days later, they'll come back to you to ask: "What were we doing at the vet all those times?" and that's when you'll drop the real bomb:
"Your father is a cat."

Greg Picks Teva Stilettos

2010-12-02T12:58:00.005-05:00

My friend, GREG, has found the perfect holiday shoe for you: TEVA STILETTOS:I can't.... I mean...
I mean, there's really only one appropriate thing to say about these Tevas:
"I'LL TAKE ONE IN EACH COLOR, PLEASE!!"
Props to Greg and The Consumerist for knowing a good thing when they saw it.

Also, props to The Gloss for tackling the most important holiday instruction list, "7 Places to Wear Your Teva Stilettos."
Here's Pippi's list of "7 Days You Should Wear Your Teva Stilettos:"

Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

AND Pippi's list of "7 Places to Wear Your Teva Stilettos:"

EVERYWHERE!!!!
EVERYWHERE!!!!
EVERYWHERE!!!!
EVERYWHERE!!!!
EVERYWHERE!!!!
EVERYWHERE!!!!
EVERYWHERE!!!!

You know what to do.

Bona Drag Picks Druid Hood, Etc

2010-11-17T17:02:00.005-05:00

I have just been won over by the Bona Drag Boutique, because there are lots of things there that I don't understand, including:

Arm Chains?Something called a "Druid Hood:"A SEE-THRU WEDDING DRESS!And, best of all, a NO PANTS SITUATION!!!!These buyers have been following my advice carefully, I see.

Heavy Metal

2010-11-08T10:17:00.001-05:00

You neck is going to be TIREDD!!!

Pippi Picks Thigh Tattoos

2010-11-01T10:37:00.010-05:00

This week, I want you to get a thigh tattoo.
COME oN! Do it!!!! It will be so fun!!!!!

The best thing about thigh tattoos is that people can only see them when you're not wearing pants, which I hope is all the time. A TATTOO FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WEAR PANTS!!! THAT SHOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOU!!!!

Then you'll be part of a special no-pants crowd. Thigh tattoos are especially great for:

SWIMSUIT MODELS!! YESS!! They NEVER have to wear pants. In fact, they CAN'T wear pants. PANTS? NO CHANCE.
Just think: YOU'LL LOOK LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE!! She has a thigh tattoo and she looks GREAT.If you have a job where you need to not wear pants, your tattoo will be especially handy. Lady Gaga is the CEO of No Pants and she understands this. She ran right out the door to get a thigh tattoo:You could be the next Lady Gaga, bro!!!
Just take your pants off and get to WORK.

Here's the thigh tattoo that I'm going to get today:AM I TOO LATE??????????
Once a year, my thigh will know just what to say.

Pippi Sez: Good Idea, Bad Name

2010-10-25T12:42:00.004-05:00

Oh. That's a good idea: ear plug earrings for your ear holes:The only bad thing about these is that they have a terrible name: "Ladybuds." Sounds wrong. Sounds like something euphemistic somebody might say to a tween to teach her about puberty. Bad name for earrings.

NEW NAME: Ear Stuffers. Double Stuffs. Muff Stuffers? Much better.

'Tis the Season

2010-10-15T09:37:00.002-05:00

This is what I'm getting you for Christmas:

ANONYMOUS Picks Golden Shorts

2010-10-12T17:41:00.005-05:00

Many thanks to "Anonymous," who wrote a very friendly and nice comment on the last post. What a nice guy, girl, or herm!

"Anon" also came through BIG TIME and picked these fine, golden, frilly shortS:From the front, the shorts are strange.

From the back... the shorts have a see-through mesh panel.From either side, these shorts are $2,680.
WERF. IT.

Nice work, Anonymous!

Pippi Picks Christina Aguilera's Sandwich Ring

2010-10-09T10:59:00.002-05:00

At first I was like, "WHAT is THIS?"Then I realized that it's a ring that connects your thumb and index figure.
So that it looks like you are constantly holding a sandwich.

Then I realized: CHRISTINA AGUILERA KNOWS WHAT'S UP!!! CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS WEARING PERMANENT SANDWICH JEWELRY!!
CLICK HERE to buy your own sandwich ring!

Click here to buy your own sandwich!

PLEASE Wear This

2010-09-20T15:15:00.004-05:00

Please, PLEASE wear this shirt on your next date:You will LIGHT FIRES with your hotttt boddyyyy.
It also comes in pink:I want one.
Wouldn't life be great if the only clothes in your closet were that green shirt, the pink shirt, and this dress?And maybe a pair of rollerblades.

NP, NS

2010-09-14T15:39:00.004-05:00

HOO! If I had this sweater, I'd be SET!I'd go cruising around with NP, NS (No Pants, No Shirt). And big boots:Oh, or maybe these ones, which come with their own hair:

Pippi Finds the Money Shot

2010-09-02T16:53:00.009-05:00

I don't know what happened, but today I got obsessed with looking at actors' headshots:WHY?
WHY SO STRANGE?
There's just something... strange.
Sometimes, it's weird because you can hear the person saying, "Mom, my theater teachers love me! I'm going to move to LA!"Sometimes, it's weird because the person is making a face that you have never seen before:Sometimes, it's awkward, because they actor looks skeezy when it seems like they were trying for "sensual:"Sometimes, it feels awkward because it's like the photo is going in for the kiss and you're all like, "I DON'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY!!! WE'RE JUST LAB PARTNERS!!!!"But, sometimes, just sometimes, it all comes together and you get the money shot:OOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!
I would cast him for ANYTHING!!!!!!
I would cast his TURTLENECK if he was unavailable!!!!!!!!

Big Shoulders, Big Shoes

2010-08-14T11:56:00.004-05:00

Gurl, how come all your shirts don't have shoulder pads??You should drefinitely werk that!!!!! And get some real tall shoes to get those shoulders UPP!!!! UP to the ROOFE!!!Mama SAID there'd be days like this.

JWOW Launches FILTHY COUTURE

2010-07-06T19:50:00.008-05:00

YES!
Jenni Farley, AKA JWOW from Jersey Shore, finally has her own clothing line! FINALLY!
This is called the "Feathers Top:"I am very proud of JWOW for starting this beautiful clothing line BUT I am MOST PROUD of her name for the line: FILTHY COUTURE!

Here are my suggestions for spin-off fashion lines:
NASTY HATS!

FANCY CREEPS

CROTCHLESS COUTURE

CROTCH-HAT MANURE

FILTH-CROTCH ALLURE

SEXY RATS

RATS IN CROTCHLESS HATS COUTURE

This JWow is a woman after my own crotchless heart.
Work that chain bikini!
Also, check out the website: All the models kind of look like JWow.

Y'all are LUCKY I don't have a clothing line where all the models wore what I wore and looked like me because it would look like THIS:
PANDA PARTY!!!!!

Werd

2010-06-08T19:11:00.000-05:00

Werd:Blar blar blar.

Pippi Picks Legs

2010-05-07T15:45:00.002-05:00

This Valentines Day, Love Your Legs!
Legslegslegslegslegslegslegs!

This Valentine's Day, Eat EGGS!!!!!!
This Valentine's Day.......GROW EXTRA LEGS!!!!!

Where the Wild Clothes Are

2010-04-28T21:44:00.005-05:00

Spike Jonze made "Where the Wild Things Are," which OF COURSE I didn't see (because, as you know, I'm waaaay to busy drinking Tecate and watching Tool Academy to go to the movies).

ALso, that movie seemed boring. No fight scenes. No car scenes. No point.
THEN, Spike Jonze did something better: He made "Where the Wild Clothes Are."YES, you can buy these clothes. Click Here to buy these furry clothes!
PLEASE BUY THESE FURRY CLOTHES FOR YOUR WILD MOM FOR MOM'S DAY!!
I KNOW SHE WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A WILD MOM!!!

What are these guys called? I read that book a long time ago. All I can remember is that there was a guy named Max in that book.

PIPPI'S REVIEW OF WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (based on memories):
There is a lot of gray. Max is a kid and he's upset about his parents or something. He's standing in the other room. Then he's on an island with lots of plumes. There's some rhyming. The wild things jump and shout I think and then Max feels emotionally liberated. Things don't change that much at home.

Something is Wrong

2010-04-21T22:06:00.000-05:00

This looks like hair:

Pippi Picks Playoff Beards 2010

2010-04-19T20:59:00.006-05:00

How many cousins do I have? I have 100,000 cousins. You've heard of Haute Hank (of course) and Lil Lil, and also many others, and by now you know that something went WRONG with our great grandpere because we got ALL THE BEST GENES and THERE WERE NONE FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. THE REST OF THE WORLD IS LIKE, "UHHHH. HOW ARE WE GONNA DO STUFF, HAUTE HANK'S GENES ARE MADE OUT OF DIAMOND SCONES."

Meanwhile, my family runs the internet. And sports. To combine all the things we are the boss of, two more cousins, one a sea captain and one the founder of the band Amethyst, have started growing playoff beards on the internet to help the Cavs win the playoffs. As you can see, they have a long way to go:

This is the sea captain:And this is the man who brought us the music of Amethyst:You know what they say: "No beards is good beards." But that was another time.

I can't grow my own Playoff Beard so in solidarity, I'm going to wear a beard wig.
This one, perhaps?
Or how about gray beard?
Or this guy?This beard kind of makes me want to barf:
GOOD LUCK, COUSINS!!!!!!!!!
FOLLOW THEIR PROGRESS AT www.playoffbeards2010.blogspot.com!

Ghost Shoes!

2010-04-01T22:46:00.003-05:00

Ghost shoes!
A ghost's shoes!

Who left these ghost shoes in my house?
What happened?

How long was I out? And when did I put on these jean shoes?So many questions.

Pippi Picks Dancing Panda

2010-03-24T17:49:00.004-05:00

I am SO proud of my Tender Panda (AKA Panda Anderson) because she is on Dancing With The Stars and now the whole world will know what a special flower she is.

A DANCING PANDA!!MWA!Dance, Panda, Dance!
XOXO!!!!

Rompers P.S.

2010-03-14T23:09:00.007-05:00

I know that on March 4 I talked up rompers, but I have a P.S.:

Let's be honest with ourselves: There are some outfits that even models can't work.
The woman pictured below is a model but she looks like a pillow with a face:
I'd still do her, but we need the straight talk express: this romper has ruined this model's career.
Thank g-d she's not a whore or she'd be broke.

Other Unflattering Rompers:

This model has a poopy-diaper-looking saggy romper crotch:
This model has no feet:
I don't even know what happened to her:
Oh, shit. This is the same model as that other model in the striped romper. Someone is out to get her so they can take her house:
Wait - is this the same model, too, or some other model?
Something weird's going on.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

I'm still pro-romper, but then again, my ass is so nice I could sell shit to a llama if you know what I mean. These models need to take a page from my book if they want to make that ca$h.

Rompers and Furs

2010-03-04T19:05:00.004-05:00

Y'all KNOW that if I had my way, I'd wear rompers every day:No bra, no shoes, no underpants.
With a fur coat on over itActually, you should probably just go straight to this page:

Yah Mo Gonna Spike You

2010-02-26T17:57:00.003-05:00

MAN, these rings would really help me out:I know a few people I'd like to spike...

It would be like in cartoon Robin Hood when Prince John gets his butt on a spike and goes, "WHOOOOO!!!!!" all the way up in the air!!

I'd be walking through crowds in NYC and you'd just see people flying up like popcorn as I spiked their butts!!!!

OOO DE LOLLLY!!!!!!!!

Boss Shoes and Pippi's Pet FEEVE

2010-02-15T20:04:00.004-05:00

Boss:So boss!
For all you S&M boos out there, now you can beat the snow AND your Valentine in the same shoes!PS:
I have been watching the Olympics and the announcers are doing my PET FEEVE! A Pet Feeve is the opposite of a Pet Peeve: It is a things that is a Pet Favorite.
My Pet Feeve is when people measure things using "Football Fields" instead of miles or feet. FANTASTIC! A true FEEVE of mine!
"Each year, Americans eat 100 billion hot dogs - that's 1,000 football fields of hot dogs!"
and at the Olympics:
"This course is nearly two football fields of treacherous ice!"
"This likable Norwegian has the kind of stroke on the course I'd run five football fields to see."
Or:
"When I won this event in '52, I celebrated by titty-fucking 1,000 women - that's enough boobs to fill nearly six football fields!"

Snexy Foxy CLAM JAMS! Just in time for V-Day!

2010-02-10T21:27:00.005-05:00

Today was a snow day in NYC and to celebrate, my fine coworker, LIZ, emailed me something incredible:
THE HOODIE FOOTIE SNUGGLE SUIT!

I want to start combining all my other clothes, too. Unders + Pajamas + Sandwiches + HAMS = THE HAMMIE SAMMIE UNDER JAM!!!

Until production on Hammie Sammie Under Jams begins, you can buy a Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit from a website with the best name ever, PAJAMAGRAM.COM.
A JAMMIE VALUE SET!

Pippi Picks The Windmill Club

2010-01-25T19:49:00.004-05:00

As you know, here at Pippi Picks we talk a lot of shit but don't get a lot done.
MEANWHILE, various friends of mine like to do things like "projects," "starting companies," and other tomfoolery. One of these friends, the funny and levelheaded KEVIN, has started his own fashion line (!). ! It is called The Windmill Club and his target market is men who are kind of slutty, drink a lot, and don't wear pants. Wait - that's my target market. Sorry, Kev-o.

To get started, he has made a line of beautiful ties! Yes, ties! To keep necks on!Unfortunately, he plucked my loyal companion, (AKA my boyfrieeeenndd!!!) to be one of his fashion models! Now the company is doomed!

Can you spot my boyxxxfriend in the video? Hint: He is the one wearing this tie: and this tie:and, like Carmen Sandiego, he is in a car flying a green, black, and yellow flag.

Here is a video of men in ties:

Windmill Club AW 2009 from Buffalo Picture House on Vimeo.

NOW GET OFF YOUR DAMN DUFFS AND GO BUY KEVIN'S TIES!!!

Click here to join "the club."

Show Your Crotch in 2010

2010-01-10T13:25:00.002-05:00

Hi friends!
Happy Jew Year!

You know what I like about high-waisted jeans? They really show off the crotch.
Just think: When your kids are grown, you can say: "THis is a picture of me when I was your age. And this is the outline of my crotch."Camel Ho.
Camel what?

No, but seriously.

The Perfect Bride

2009-12-21T22:48:00.003-05:00

It's decided:

I have picked the perfect wedding outfit!

White feather coat:No pants!

Now he or she is never gonna leave you!
He or she is gonna be like, "I'm marrying the hottest bitch on the block. This wife has no pants."

MERRY FLEXMAS!

2009-12-20T22:34:00.006-05:00

Merry Flexmas.

Two announcements:

1: This necklace is a tiny gold Madonna cone bra:
Second announcement:

I just watched a movie called "Santa with Muscles" starring Hulk Hogan. Hulk is a billionaire who gets amnesia, thinks he's Santa, and saves an orphanage.INCREDIBLE! INCREDIBLE MOVIE!!!!!

AND MILA KUNIS IS ONE OF THE ORPHANS!Big fuckin' deal, Mila.
I've met Santa too, you know.

AND HE GAVE ME AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF COCO AND ICE T!!!Framed it.

Stripper Heels Will Bring the Sex-y Mon-ey

2009-12-09T00:05:00.005-05:00

I know I've picked stripper heels before but I feel about stripper heels the way prude-ass magazine editors feel about "classic trench coats" and "white button-downs" and other sad sack pieces of clothing:
LIKE A TAN TRENCH COAT, STRIPPER HEELS are AMERICAN CLASSICS! THEY GO WITH EVERYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET!!! THEY NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE!!!! BUY THEM ONCE, GIVE THEM TO YOUR GRANDSONS!!!!

The ones I've picked out for you are especially good because they have the word "SEXY" printed on them:And these ones will bring the sex-y mon-ey:
And this is my friend, Puffy Winky:
American. Classics. 4 real.

I WAS IN MIAMI, BITCH!!!!

2009-11-28T13:44:00.004-05:00

OBVIOUSLY, I spent Thanksgiving ON SOUTH BEACH which was one of the greatest moves of all time.
I enjoyed all of the Thanksgiving classics: Cuban coffee! Beer! Chorizo and eggs! And I bought my very own t-shirt that says, "I'M IN MIAMI BITCH!" in rainbow letters.

A THANKSGIVING TRIUMPH!!

My Sir and I promised one another that no matter how drunk we got, we would not allow each other to get terrible tattoos. Just in case, though, I decided that if I needed a tattoo idea at-the-ready, my first choice would be to have a tattoo of a DELICIOUS GREEN PEA!

PIPPI (on the beach): PEAS ARE DELICIOUS! I will always love peas, so I will never be sad about my pea tattoo.
SIR: Pippi, don't get a tattoo on Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZ.
SIR: Phew, she's asleep. Now I can sneak off and get a tattoo of her face on my face.
[16 hours later]
SIR: Pippi, wake up! Look how much I care.
PIPPI: OMG! You look fantastique!!! Happy Thanksgiving. You were an ok boyfriend but the only way to prove you care is to tattoo my face on your whole face and now you are, like, a really good boyfriend.
SIR: OMG, Happy Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!

Here's some good advice from Cosmo magazine: If your boyfriend doesn't get a face tattoo, he doesn't love you!!!

Other Cosmo advice: If your boyfriend doesn't hire a plane to write, "OMG, GURLFRIEND, U R SOOO HOT!!" he doesn't love you!!!!!

OMG, my boyfriend did not do that. OMG!!! I have to C him L8ter!!!!! THat is super bad.

MEANWHILE, Now we're back and although I have no pea tattoo, I think this pea necklace is a tame alternative: Plus, it looks kind of like a bizarro vag with 6 clits.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Sneaky Socks

2009-11-15T18:05:00.003-05:00

Deez socks look like sneaks!!!4 sure this is the invention of someone like me who wants to be in Jammies FULL TIME.
SOCK MAKER: Yeah, sure, sure coach, I've got all my gear.
COACH: JOHNSON!! ARE YOU WEARING YOUR JAMMIES TO THE GAME AGAIN??
SM: Uhhhh.
COACH: DAMNIT, KID!! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO STATE WITH YOU PLAYING GRAB-ASS AND JAMMIE PARTY??
SM: Uhhhhhhh. [Runs back to bed]

Work your jammie shoes!

Pippi Picks Nail Rings

2009-11-02T22:59:00.004-05:00

I want you to start wearing these nails over your nails:And wear metal toenails over your toenails, too.

RAWR! I SCWATCHED U!! I SCWATCHED U WITH MY METAL TOENAILS, BIIIIIIITCH!!!!

Dick Problems

2009-11-01T22:39:00.001-05:00

This girl is thinking:

"OH NO! WHERE'S MY DICK???"YOU LEFT IT AT MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT!!

From Etsy.com's "Weird" Category

2009-10-27T23:02:00.003-05:00

Today I Picked two foxy Picks 4 U from Etsy.com 's "Weird" category:

A NOSE WARMER, similar to a NOSE WIG, which I have been trying to promote for years with little success:My second pick is a CUSTOM BEARD that can be made to suit your face stylings:

WILL YOU CHOOSE A BROWN BEARD, BROWN BEARD?
WILL YOU CHOOSE RED, FIRECROTCH?
I think we ALL know the answer to that one.

Pippi Picks ShopFatal.com

2009-10-25T22:16:00.003-05:00

Hi Friends,

OMG, so many things have happened lately we're going to have to chat for 300 hours! LOL ROFLMAO.

MEANWHILE, I think you should get a full wardrobe at website ShopFatal.com because they have ALL the lookz you need to COOK the streets with style:

Per esempio:
Darth Sweater: Stretchy Cat Hat:Prom Dress:And Tall Shoes to bottom it off:
A complete look! No more problems!

LIL LIL Picks LIL WAYNE

2009-09-29T18:52:00.004-05:00

My magnificent cousin, LIL LILY, is deeply spiritually connected to LIL WAYNE, and she alerted me that her alter ego has his own shirt:

THE FRONT:THE BACK:
I GOT CAKE LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY!

HEY LIL LILY:
I GOT MOFUNGO LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY.

If You Is a Crook Then You Takin' It

2009-09-21T23:12:00.002-05:00

Da Bootay!And if you got money you shakin' it.

New Year's Resolution

2009-09-20T22:19:00.005-05:00

I was in Ohio this weekend for "the holidays" and my cousins (plus Bodacious Stephen) staged an intervention:

PIPPI: HI GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING?
COUSINS ETC: Things are in the shitter, Pippi.
PIPPI: HUH?
COUSINS ETC: There are major omissions on Pippi Picks: No Lady Gaga, and no updates on Tender Panda or Kat Von D. This is a big problem.
PIPPI: But teshuvah, tzedakah, and tequila can reduce the severity of the decree?
COUSINS ETC: You have also never mentioned mytattoosucks.com.
PIPPI: I promise I will Pick mytattoosucks.com before Yom Kippur.

Now my repentance: This website has only a few bad tattoos, but some are very emotional and moving, like this one:And some, instead of sucking, are AMAZING, like this guy:
I've known whih tattoo I'm getting for a long time:
It's going to say "I LOVE TO FLIRT, I LIVE TO FLIRT" across my tramp stamp.

Option 2: "MY GRANDPARENTS WENT TO FLORIDA AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID TRAMP STAMP."

Someday, someday.

The East Village Changes A Man

2009-09-13T17:03:00.005-05:00

Big news at Pippi Picks Studios (PPS): Myself and Boyflame have moved homes and now live in a NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, the newfangled EAST VILLAGE.

LOOK, GUYS, a lot of things have changed around here. Now that I live in the East Village, I'M much BETTER LOOKING and I know I've never felt this before, but NOW WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND DESIGN LEATHERGOODS, AKA what I'm going to do is web design for an ad agency until it's time to have a kid.

Also, as soon as we moved, things have really changed for BOYF and I:

WE'VE STARTED WEARING LEATHER SHORTS all the time:
AND WE'VE STOPPED WEARING LACES:
AND WE DON'T NEED THEM, BUT WE BOTH GOT EYEGLASSES:AND SPIKEY JEWELS:AND WE'VE BEEN COVERING OUR FACES WITH BIG DOTS, AND SOMETIMES WOLVES:

LOOK, GUYS, YOU JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE HERE IN THE VILLAGE.

BODACIOUS STEPHEN

2009-09-08T22:30:00.005-05:00

I just got an email from STEPHEN, who is a BODACIOUS and SLAMMIN' man, A MAN UNAFRAID TO VOMIT BEHIND A FRIENDLY'S and he had some important things to share:

I was really relieved to see that this tattooed lady found the meatballs she was looking for:I also feel spiritually inspired by these Kale Earrings, AKA KEARRINGS, because they are both FLATTERING, NUTRITIOUS, AND SANITARY:Meanwhile, this model is fed up and not going to take it anymore. We've all been there: Sometimes you want some tummy time and nothing should stop you:

Also, FYI: This shoe is hiding another guy's shoe:
S-EAKER, I applaud you. Also, I love you because you are a special guy.

Rose Picks Piperlime

2009-08-27T21:32:00.004-05:00

Pippi Surprise!
I got a reader tip from ROSE who was my biology lab partner in HIGH SCHOOL! Now THIS is very nice. We made jokes while we were dissecting animals and now we have made another joke Lo, these many years later.

ROSE sent me her top Picks from the web site Piperlime, which sells shoes and things.

ROSE PICKS these fringy sandals:
And these cage shoes:

Rose explained that these are cages "for when your feet have been very very bad." I suppose if they poop where they're not supposed to, etc.

I would like to add my additional Pippi Piperlime Picks:

These clonkers:

And whatever this is:This goes to show that high school bio teaches students lots of useful skills, like picking fringed and clonky things, and keeping their limbs in line.

GREG Picks: Soda Protection

2009-08-19T21:03:00.003-05:00

Once again, I've fallen WAY behind on Reader Picks.

Readers, if you're reading this, I appreciate and cherish your Picks and I'm going to get off my duff and get them on the site soon, just as soon as I can tear myself away from my seltzer machine and stop doing all the important work I have to do, like watching reruns of The Biggest Loser and cooking in the nude and other things.

For starters, here is a picture that was sent to me by loyal reader GREG:He offered the following insight:

"if you have seltzer everywhere, you're going to need to wear this. (for protection)"

WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

2009-07-30T22:14:00.005-05:00

In her comment on the last post, Hanno raised a good point: WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

This is a question that speaks to my own life because last night, WITHOUT WARNING, my boyflea's mom MAILED US A SODASTREAM SELTZER MAKER!!!!IT SITS ON OUR COUNTER AND CARBONATES THINGS ALL DAY LONG!!!!! It's hard to explain why fizzy water is so much more magical and delicious than regular water, but I think the French understand. You can ask them and they'll probably tell you to bouef or something.

In a hasty move, after I discovered the fizzy gift we had received, I called my #1 boyfriend's parents' house and when his dad answered we had the following conversation:

DAD: You've never called this number before...
PIPPI: I'M CALLING BECAUSE TODAY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED!!
DAD: [Disturbed silence]
PIPPI: YOU SENT A SODA MACHINE IN THE MAIL!!!!
DAD: Huh?
PIPPI: HUH?
DAD: I thought you were calling to tell me you're pregnant.
PIPPI: I THINK THAT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING.

Now, MIND YOU, this particular Dad is of the cowboy variety, one who famously speaks softly and reserves his zingers for only the inner circle, adding to the mystique of such classic lines as, "Well, I don't know about that," and "Hug it out, bitch."

BECAUSE OF THIS, yelling about soda to him, and inciting a false pregnancy scare was exponentially more delightful than had I called to yell about soda and pregnancy scare some other guy, and for this I think yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

In honor of Sawbones and the stress I put his through, I suggest we all wear chaps when carbonating things:I anticipate these chaps would get a major mustache twitch (high disdain).

Bad Cop is Back

2009-07-28T14:30:00.006-05:00

CHRIST!

What the hell happened??
I have been off the grid but now am sadly back on the grid and prepared to pick more PICKS.

I'm out of shape so let's start slowly:

To welcome me back, I'd like you to wear this combination prison stripe/ballerina dress:
Slutz in the house, please feel free to pair with giant heels:Bad cop is back, ho-bags.

Wedding Mania MEGAPOST

2009-06-18T20:20:00.018-05:00

Big news, y'all: 2, yes, TWO of my coworkers have recently gotten engaged and have asked me to marry them AKA recommend wedding gowns.

DON'T WORRY, COWORKERS! NO NEED TO CALL OFF THE WEDDINGS! I WILL HELP WITH THIS EXCELLENT SELECTION OF WEDDING PICKS!!!

Luckily, these Bridez happen to be especially fine, intelligent, capable, and good-hearted women and their Groomz are both especially fine, endearing, grounded, and good-hearted dudes THUS these are HAPPY weddings, not SAD, STRANGE weddings, which I am sure many of you have been to.

TO CELEBRATE, my engagement gift to these pairs is a POST of PICKS to ensure that they have EXCELLENT, FERTILE, and, ROBUST WEDDINGS.

AS WE DISCUSSED, a good wedding dress is like a good mullet: Short in front and flowing train in the back:
For the slutz in the crowd, may I also recommend this version:
Of course, you could also go in the other direction and rock a professional white jumpsuit with hat and bowtie:
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, ok. I think we all know that a leopard dress with muff and Santa Hat is both classic and reverent:
There's also nothing wrong with doing a lot of coke, breaking into a department store, and skipping the wedding, like the bride below did:
If you love your ass as much as I love mine, you might want to work it in a mini with ass-enhancers:
If you are really sleepy, this dress comes with a built-in neck pillow:
MEANWHILE, some cultures celebrate weddings in RED, not WHITE, and I think you should look into that, especially if that means you end up wearing this:
If you're trying to hide your feet from your fiancee, cover them up with this foot poof:
Personally, I think you should ditch the white, do head-to-toe sequins and show up at the aisle like, "BA-BAM! MARRY ME NOW, DICK-BAG!:"
"I'M HOT AS A DISCO BALL, BAY-BAY!"
If you want my honest opinion, I think you should wear a golden sheath with shag padding:
My coworker, LIZ, of Snuggie/Slanket fame, mentioned that she wants to wear sleeves on her wedding day. I kind of like the idea of sleeves and no pants:
Of course, not as much as I like the idea of surprising your groom at the huppah in a giant Ursula costume:
AND NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE THIS WEDDING OUTFIT:
Ok, enough hemming and hawing! DRUMROLL, PLEASE for the PIPPI PICKS 2009 TOP WEDDING PICK FOR 2010!!!
MY TOP PICK FOR 2009/2010 IS....PEACOCK WITH GOLF CLUBS!!!
WAIT, BRIDES!!!
GAME NOT OVER!!!
YOU NEED YOUR BRIDAL SHOES!!

Liz, in your honor, I have found these bejeweled shoes:
Rachel, in your honor I have found these star heels, because you're gonna exclusion them with inciders:
For both ladiezz: My top pick is these shoes, WHICH COME WITH THEIR OWN TINY VEIL! JUST THINK, EVEN THE SHOES ARE FILLED WITH BRIDAL MODESTY AND NAIVETE!!!!
I MEAN, you could also just go with zebra shoes:
What's most important is that your heels are very, very high so that you look like a towering, bridal monster!

The fear in your guests hearts can be off-set by a glittering quinceanera tiara!
Of course, don't step into that bridal booth without big Beyonce jewels!!"YOU LIKE IT AND DID, IN FACT, PUT A RING ON IT!" was the working chorus.

ANY QUESTIONS???
I THINK THIS COVERS IT.

Now your wedding planning is done and you can go back to making me grandchildren.

SEE YOU IN VEGAS!!!!
For more wedding planning advice, CLICK HERE for the Pippi Picks BRIDES archives
for info about:
-- Fabulous Casual
-- More wedding dress picks
--Target wedding gowns
-- Motley Crue Weddings
-- Upstaging the bride
-- Pregnant slutz
-- Complete wedding plan

AND OF COURSE, YOU CAN ALWAYS PULL A PANDA:
[yes, a picture of panda anderson on wedding day]

Pippi Picks Hairphones

2009-06-16T18:34:00.004-05:00

Two Picks from weird store Stand Up Comedy:

ONE:
Hairy decorations for earphones, AKA "HAIRPHONES:"TWO:
Glasses with dangles, AKA "JANGLE-GLASSES:"
WHEN HAVE I FAILED YOU????

I Want to get in Katy Perry's Hot Pants!!

2009-06-04T21:51:00.004-05:00

MAN, I want sparkly hot pants SO BADAND I WANT TO WEAR THEM TO WORK!!!

When I say, "I want to get in Katy Perry's pants!" I mean it!How come she gets to wear all the small shorts????

Give me some of those shorts, Katy.

I wore a shirt and no pants AND I LIKED IT!! I LIKED IT!!!!!

Daniela Picks: Kinky Stripper Heels

2009-05-25T22:18:00.005-05:00

DANIELA, a reader from San Francisco and a friend of Count Chocula, sent me a link to these HORRIBLE HEELS:The copy on the website says: "Black soft leather, makes this one interesting fashion accessory"

I don't think it's the leather that makes them "interesting," but that's just me.

Also, as far as I can tell, this website is a stipper supply shop for things like clear whore heels:
Everyone needs a pair of giant stripper heels!!! U KNOW IT'S TRUE, YOU FREAKIN' SLUTZZ!!!!!!YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!!!! DON'T FIGHT IT!!!!!!!!

STOP FIGHTING IT!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO MAKE A REALLY LOUD CLICKING SOUND!!!!!!!!!

CLICK CLICK CLICK!!!! HERE YOU GO!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-09T11:04:00.004-05:00

Holy crap - these are just like the boots my mom has worn for 20 years:
I should get her a pair...

Actually, I should get everyone else in the family a pair. All of us walking down the street in matching boots would be pretty boss.

Best of all, it would get me one step closer to my goal of having my family be a spokes-family for matcheez.com:
WARNING! Be careful if you go to Matcheez.com because it is one of the most delightful websites of all time!!!

The motto is: "Where great families dress alike!"
Advice from the site:

"Why dress in family matching clothing?

Get into the family spirit! You can show your family unity to the world by dressing alike. It can be fun and practical to dress in matching clothing!"

INDEED!!
GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND DRESS YOUR BABY AND SPOUSE IN MATCHING LOOKZZ!!!!

Matcheez.com has sections for matching parents and kids, couples, and EVEN DOLLS, DOGS, AND HUMANS!!!

Pad Your Camel Toe with Cuchini!

2009-05-04T20:57:00.007-05:00

To all the amazing folks who have sent me Reader Picks: I haven't forgotten you!

Coming up on Pippi Picks: A series of Fine Reader Finds!!

First up: THE CUCHINI, a COOCH GARMENT picked by Hanno.

It is a MONS PAD that pads your mons from camel toe:Heidi Klum generously called and offered to demonstrate what a camel toe is:
Thanks, Heidi!
FYI: Heidi Klum's camel toe is not called a camel toe. It is called a "Klum Toe."

Thanks for the pick, Hanno!
Stay tuned for more fine picks from my fine and French readers!

Flash Your Boob Tattoos!!

2009-04-27T20:58:00.003-05:00

I think you should wear a dress with such a low V that everyone can see the bikini tan you got this weekend in Central Park:Christ! And get a boob tattoo fer chrissake!!!Get 'em ALL tattooed!!!!!

Jewels for Font Nerds

2009-04-25T15:01:00.003-05:00

SHOW THEM WHAT FONT YOU WANT, YOU FUCKIN' FONT NERD!!!!!!!IT'S OK THAT YOU'RE A FONT NERD.

Wear a Jumpsuit: You Have No Excuse

2009-04-13T21:46:00.005-05:00

I've long advised you to wear onesies and you always try to get out of it:
"Blah, blah, blah, I can't wear a jumpsuit in the shower,"
"Blah blah, not today, I can't wear a jumpsuit to work, blah blah,"
"Blah blah, there's no onesie emporium in my neighborhood."
WELL,
now you don't have an excuse because I have found your perfect jumpsuit source: theurbancollection.com.

Just look at all the fine jumpsuits they have in stock:

Red!
Pink!
Leopard!
Gold!
Hot pink!
And you can top it off with a leather jacket and still have time to make your court date:
"Not guilty, your honor."
If wearing one-piece clothes is a crime, I don't want to be right."

BIG SHIRT, NO PANTS!

2009-04-07T22:56:00.003-05:00

FINALLY, someone takes my advice: BIG SHIRT! NO PANTS!
Take heed!

AND AS A BONUS, I found this on a site with the best name ever, a name even Garfield could love: "I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS."

Topshop Opens in NYC and You Don't Have to Go!

2009-04-02T21:45:00.004-05:00

Topshop, a British store, opened in NYC today and people went a little cwazy (so I heard) and stood in a line, etc, etc.

DON'T WORRY, READERS! You don't have to go to that crowded store opening! I have picked out the top, most fine picks for you to dress yourself with! Now you, too, can be British!

My #1 Top Pick from Topshop is this beatiful unitard:

#2 pick is this fine and fancy floral blazer:
I mean, you can also get other things at Topshop like stripey dresses,
bright raincoats,
OR LACE CROPPED SHIRTS!!!!!!
They also sell things like green shoes:

and playsuits, for playing in:I learned a valuable lesson snooping around Topshop.com:

DID YOU KNOW THAT BRITISH PEOPLE CALL ROLLING SUITCASES "TROLLEYS?" You did? Oh. Well, I didn't and I'm SHOCKED.

Glasses Without Glass

2009-03-31T21:00:00.001-05:00

NO GLASS?
NO PROBLEM!

NO GAS?

BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO GRASS?

SOMETIMES A BIG PROBLEM.

SPRING? S'I DON'T SINK SO!!!!!!!

2009-03-23T20:03:00.003-05:00

S'ALMOST SPRING! Don't it make you want t'wear pink high heels?OH WAIT!!!! NEVERMIND, IT'S -50 DEGREES TODAY IN NYC!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE WEATHERMAN'S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!
PUT YOUR COAT BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pop Picks!

2009-03-19T16:22:00.003-05:00

Behind every Pippi, there is a Pop, AKA "a dad," who emails her photos of fashions.

Today! Heed my Pop's Picks and wear a Box Hat:
Perhaps you'd prefer this umbrella skirt:
Huzzah!

Dressed by Kim Gordon

2009-03-15T12:46:00.004-05:00

This week I think you should wear clothes designed by super cutie pie Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth:She savvily hooked up a collaboration with Urban Outfitters so now you, too, can wear Kim's frocks:Click here to scope her collection.

Click here to look at pictures of fat cats.Ahhh. Pictures of fat cats are nature's medicine.

Headflower

2009-03-09T22:24:00.002-05:00

Oh HELL yes!
I'm going to wear this Headflower to WORK.

PS: Not to intimidate you, but you can buy the headflower at a site called SPACEMERMAID.COM.

PPS: Spacemermaid is also the name of my firstborn son.

PPPS: My second-born is named CornCalender.

Slanket vs Snuggie: Slanket Wins

2009-03-04T21:47:00.008-05:00

LIZ, who is one of my coworkers, recently discovered Pippi Picks and immediately called me out for featuring a snuggie video as a Pick.
For those who don't know, A SNUGGIE IS A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES.In case you forget, the official slogan of the Snuggie is "The Blanket with Sleeves!"

Liz confronted me about my pick. "Snuggies are the poor man's Slankets," she explained to me, and that's when I learned the following things about her:

1. Her boyfriend, Seth, gave her the greatest Valentines gift of all, A SLANKET.
2. Liz appreciates the efficiency of being able to both watch TV and wave her arms around.
3. Liz has always dreamed of owning an infomercial product and now all of her dreams have come true.
4. When I asked her for an official review of the Slanket, she said, "It's the best!"

I don't remember what happened next because I was overcome with emotion and that emotion was JOY that Liz and her Slanket have found each other.

"I'd be embarrased if I had a Snuggie, but I'm less embarrassed because I have a Slanket," Liz explained.

Click here to see the Snuggie website, a sad wasteland of pain.

The Slanket website is a glorious work of art and what really got me sobbing was THE SLANKET POEMS THAT ACCOMPANY EACH COLOR CHOICE:

RUBY:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "This color is so hard to describe with words. It's a feeling, a vibration, a longing. It's rich and vibrant. It draws you in and drapes you with comfort and color. If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color...maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out."

Castlerock:

SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The high intensity discharge lights washed the steel vault in an antiseptic glow. Cold gray walls as thick as the armor of a battleship. Each man had his own reason for being there, that night. Yet they all shared one common interest. When the last seal on the door had been cracked, their treasure was revealed, The Slanket, in Castlerock Grey."

Beige: SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The smell of coffee and double apple tobacco fill the market. At the end of the street, beyond the sand worn crenellations of the ancient buildings, the desert swirls. The camels loaded with gear blend with the color of the land, their outlines barely visible. It gets cold at night in the desert, praise be Allah that you brought your Slanket in beige. All of the soft color of the desert with none of the chaffing, stinking camels, sunburns, or dehydration.

Liz, thank you for teaching me the error of my ways.
The Snuggie was not the right Pick - the Slanket combines blanket, sleeves, and POETRY.
CASE CLOSED.

Confuse Your Suitors!

2009-03-02T20:24:00.004-05:00

Confuse your suitors!

Wear this double-ring on your fist to show the dudes and ladies that you're SINGLE and ready to DANGLE:
Then when they move in to grab your boob or ball, punch them in the face with your other hand:
Then hit them with your third hand that says "POLYAMOROUS."
Won't THAT throw them for a spin?

Question: How come they don't make rings that say, "COMMITTED, BUT NON-MONOGAMOUS?"
Answer: Not enough fingers.

Hide Your Neck with a Puffy Poof

2009-02-28T13:12:00.001-05:00

Hide your neck!
No neck = NO PROBLEM.

Whuzzat?

2009-02-26T23:39:00.002-05:00

Can't identify:
Ohhhh.... Slippers.
Oh - nevermind, itsa hat.

UPDATE: WRONG! BIKINI!

No Escape

2009-02-24T22:04:00.005-05:00

This watch has been "steampunked out:"
In this situation, that just means that the watch face has no chance of escaping the band because it's been trapped by some wire.

Look - if you're so freaked out about your parts falling off, we better lock your finger down, too:
Safety first!

UPDATE: Natty Ice second.

Pippi Picks JUMPSUITS

2009-02-21T19:59:00.003-05:00

This week, you hafta wear a JUMPSUIT.If you're too wussy to show that you CRAVE ONESIES, hide it under your tuxedo jacket and jeans SO NO ONE BUT YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOUR SHOULDERS AND COOCH ARE ATTACHED!!!!!!!
Also, add the denim model above to our collection of PIPPI PICKS OFFICIAL TATTOOED MODELS!

Pippi Picks Soda Candles

2009-02-05T23:04:00.004-05:00

Today's pick: Soda candles.What's really floating my boat here is the idea of having a Dr. Pepper travel candle FOR TRAVEL DESTINATIONS THAT DON'T SMELL LIKE DR. PEPPER. This will come in handy when you're a pop star:
YOU: Good. You have the Kit Kats I requested. Don't worry - I will now attend to the scent of the room by lighting my Dr. Pepper candle.
STAGE MANAGER: Yummm!
YOU: The Dr is IN!

[LAter, in Hawaii]
YOU: This beach is delightful, but it smells like hideous sand and terrifying sea beasts.
OCTOPUS: Meow meow meow meow!
YOU: No, not you, Octobaby. I will now fix this stinky sea with the Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale candle I have brought my foyer.

What to Wear to Notorious

2009-02-02T18:53:00.004-05:00

My 2 top pics for neckwear this week:

In honor of Biggie's new biopic, Notorious P.I.P. suggests you wear this to the movie theater to show them who you're rooting for: Sadly, I've heard the movie is...bad. This is a disgrace because Biggie is an especially special and squishy guy and his memory deserves better.
TO FIX!
If you are angry with the film makers, show your dismay with this alternate necklace!All fixed!!

Flower Shoe

2009-01-26T22:25:00.001-05:00

Oh oh oh, oh oh ohh oh oh!
Shoulda putta ring on it.

More Hair Jewelry!!!!!!!

2009-01-22T22:05:00.002-05:00

This freaks me out but I still think you should wear it to work tomorrow:
Then when your boss says, "I'm watching you, Johnson!"
you can say, "AND MY NECK IS WATCHING YOU, HANS!!!!!!"
and your boss will say, "In this economy, you better watch your back, Fritz!"
and you'll say, "IN THIS ECONOMY, I HAVE MADE ALL OF MY ACCESSORIES OUT OF MY OWN HAIR, BOSS!"
That's when the boss will promote the hell out of you.

You may recall that this is not the first, or the last time, hair jewelry has been featured on Pippi Picks (click here for a hairy reminder).

Hair jewelry is one of our nation's treasures.
That and clam chowder.

GO!!

Pippi Picks Chloe's Cuties

2009-01-12T18:57:00.005-05:00

In my recent post about Kat Von D's Kat Von BOOK, I mentioned CHLOE, my TV editress.

Y'all should know that in addition to drinking with me and doing Kat-Nikki role plays, Chloe is also an illustrator who makes buttons, cards, and other object d'cuteness:
These can be found on her website, IT'S A BIRD, BIRD WORLD.

Go!
Give her your money and your jewels!!!!!!!!!!!

Texas Picks Tie-Suit

2009-01-12T18:50:00.003-05:00

Shocking events, friends.
"Anonymous," a Frequent commenter has revealed his/her identity! They are the alias "TEXAS!" Now that I know that the state of Texas is the one that has been commenting here on Pippi Picks, I feel a deep craving for brisket.

MEANWHILE, Texas recommends that we meditate on this Alexander McQueen tie/speedo:Neither your neck nor your nethers will fall off with this contrap!!!!!!!!!

Now when you swim you won't need to hold your pouch!

Kat Von D's Hand Bra

2009-01-10T14:52:00.006-05:00

I haven't checked in with my long-standing crush, Kat Von D, lately: ...although I have been watching her get progressively crazier and more be-eyeshadowed as she tries to out-shaggy her shaggy man, Nikki Sixx.

Nikki is winning on the eyeshadow front:
Without calling me for advice, Kat decided to write a book and I think you should all buy six copies for me when it comes out in January:
There's a great scene in Kat's TV show, LA Ink, that my editress CHLOE pointed out to me. Nikki presents Kat with the forward he wrote for her book and Kat gets so excited that she almost rips Nikki's wigs off. "Baaaaaybeeeeeeee!" says Kat, "ILOVEIT, ILOVEIT!!!!!!!!"

I love you too, Kat, but I wear a lot more eyeshadow than you and Nikki put together. Even my CATS wear eyeshadow. My cats are also covered with tattoos. They're also vegan.

Take Off Your Pants!

2009-01-05T22:18:00.003-05:00

Take off your pants!

Now, shake your butt!

Now, put these pants on!!!
Now drink some jus d'orange!
Now stop drinking it!

Now put on an eye patch and pretend to be Tom Cruise in Valkyrie!!
Now stop doing that!
Seriously, stop doing that!

Seriously. Stoppppp.

Readers Pick: Irregular Choice

2009-01-04T21:17:00.006-05:00

I was so exhausted after sharing that backlog of reader submissions that I had to save this for later: One reader, the "sister" of "Wiper Peeler," recommended irregularchoicestore.co.uk and described it as a "wonderland."

UPDATE: It is, INDEED, a WONDERLAND OF CRAZY. STOP WEARING ALL YOUR PLAIN-ASS SHONKS AND SLIP INTO A PAIR OF CHERRY SHOEZZZ!!!!!
Perhaps splatter boots are more your speed?
These come with built in socks - THANK HE'ANS!!!!!
Don't go to marz without rocket boots!!!!!!!

Don't go anywhere without pink hot dog shoes!!!!!!!!!
Don't go on a sexy dates without these creepy-ass doll booties!!!!!!!!
Don't drive your frickin' car w/out spots driving shoes!!!!!!!!!

There are even tiny crazies for your crazy baby:
When you leave your frickin' house, wear these big shoes:
If your legs try to escape while you're doing errands, you can be all like, "Fuck you, legs! Y'all are strapped in!!!!!!!"
No escape, legs. Try again in 2010, you fuckers.

2008 Backlogged Reader Submission EXTRAVEGANZA!

2009-01-02T14:50:00.011-05:00

Honies:
I have been receiving so many fabulous reader finds and I have been delinquent about thanking y'all and sharing your gifts with the team.

I now present to you The Pippi Picks 2009 Presentation of the Backlogged Reader Submissions from 2008.

LET'S BEGIN, SPECIAL PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

My friend COUNT CHOCULA sent me these terrifying Crocs that are both Crocs and... purple sheeps.

One of my two cousins named Jonah (click here to see all the ridiculously cool shit he does for a living) sent me an INCREDIBLE video for The Snuggie AKA the ultimate jammie:

ANONYMOUS came through once again and sent me a link to a designer called Monsoon Saloon that makes crazy circus clothes, capes, puffies, and big sweaters: Sweatshirt with leather tassels - DUH:

Click here to see this completely fucking crazy site.

MEANWHILE, Haute Hank sent me a link to a site that sells HAIR HATS!!!!!! YES!!!!!!! HAIR HATS 4 EVR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Click here to see HAIR HATZ!

Ever classy, he also sent me a link to Jewelry with John and Jackie (JJJ):
MEANWHILE, "Wiper Peeler" sent me a link to Shoewawa.com, a site having a contest for THE UGLIEST SHOES OF 2009: Wiper was partial to THESE CAR SHOES:I was also directed to irregularchoicestore.co.uk but I will have to post that later because I am now EXHAUSTED by all the EMOTIONS I am feeling from looking at car shoes, sheep boots, snuggies, etc.

READERS!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR FINE FINDINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!
STAY HUNGRY!!!!!!!!1
HAPPY NEW YEAR, SPECIAL DUDES AND MA'AMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Pippi Learns About Christmas

2008-12-25T18:30:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas, One and All!
I am enjoying my Tex-Mex Interfaith Christmas and Hanukkah day!

I had thought my Mrs. Claus Halloween costume was hot shit but now I realize that I should have been rocking this:
Next Halloween.

In the meantime, I am enjoying such Christian delights as Die Hard, Christmas meats, and decorative greens. As an interfaith professional, I'd like to share some tips I have learned with you on this Jewish journey:
1. A stocking sometimes holds candy, but you should not try to eat the stocking itself.
2. A christmas tree may have a fine and festive smell, but you should not try to eat it.
3. Gift certificates are gifts, not snacks.

Learn from my mistakes!

Fringe Wins, World Loses

2008-12-20T17:58:00.002-05:00

HAH!
I'm winning! The world is converting to a life of FRINGE!!
Fringe watches! Fringe on every body part!

I like to exercise my fringe secretly by wearing fringed things under my work attire. I also wear a gold sparkly bodysuit under my work attire, but that's a story for another day.

Pippi Picks Okley by M.I.A.

2008-12-13T18:18:00.004-05:00

M.I.A., my favorite knocked-up musician, has designed a line of stripey looks!

Now you can wear a M.I.A. onesie!!!!!!!!!
You can have M.I.A.'s seductive face on your seductive front!The jacket is my favorite:
I wish M.I.A. was pregnant with ME! Then I could go to all of her shows for FREE. Tummy-row seats!!!!!!!

Hot Coffee, Episode 5

2008-12-11T18:04:00.003-05:00

Dear McDudes,

Another episode of Hot Coffee, the weekly comedy podcast I'm in, is up on the Hot Coffee website.
WHAT? YOU ASSHOLES DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I'M REFERRING TO???
I BLOGGED ABOUT IT BEFORE - THAT SHOULD BE TATTOOED IN YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE has a new feature: You can either LISTEN to the show OR you can WATCH IT as a VIDEO.
CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S EPISODE AT HOTCOFFEESHOW.COM!!!!!!This week, we talked about Best Buy, the Jonas Brothers, and Plaxico Burress. Basically, everything you need to know to rock the SATs.
BLARG!

HOOD THONG???

2008-12-10T18:22:00.003-05:00

I just realized that a fine reader, ANONYMOUS, posted a fantastic link that I never gave him or her props for: BEHOLD!!!!!!!!! THE HOOD THONG!!!!!!!!!!I recommend you click on the link and check out the photo in it's full glory so you can soak up the following details:

THE MODEL'S NIPS ARE COVERED BY SPAGHETTI TASSELS. SEXY PASTA? EAT PASTA OFF MY BOOBS, BABY.
THE MODEL IS HOLDING A FAKE ROCK.
THE MODEL IS WEARING '80S SOCKS AND SNEAKS.
THE MODEL IS WEARING A HOOD THONG.

Well played, Anonymous!!!!!!!!!
Keep being you!!!!!!!
Love,
Pippi

Exploding Animal Shirts!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-06T14:24:00.005-05:00

Please wear shirts with animals exploding through the front:
Exploding shark!
Exploding magical horse!!!!!!
Props to faithful reader, BRIAN, who tipped me off to these special shirts.
DAMN, that horse is magical!!

Pippi Ruined Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T21:33:00.003-05:00

UGH!
I effed Thanksgiving - I forgot to bring my special Pilgrim suit:
Sorry, Family. I kind of shit the bed on that one.
Next year.

Pippi Picks HOT COFFEE

2008-11-25T20:56:00.005-05:00

Dear Special Friends,

Don't worry! Now, in addition to getting all my great advice about what to put on, you can now HEAR MY COMFORTING VOICE IN YOUR EARS!

I've been working on a new project! Every Sunday, I hang out with my Special Guys and we record a COMEDY PODCAST based on news stories.That's some of them!

Go to hotcoffeeshow.com to hear our latest episode! New shit gets posted every week by Tuesday and I'll let you know when it goes up.

NOW YOU CAN HAVE PIPPI FOR EVERY PART OF YOUR FACE: EYES, EARS, BRAIN, AND SMELLS!!!!!!!!

C-c-lick here to hear my first PODCAST PICK!!!!!

Hamburger Attack!!

2008-11-25T20:52:00.002-05:00

Uh oh. Where did my cash go?
Oh yeah. Hamburgers. Fries. Dranks.

Oops.

EAT FROM ZE RABBIT'S BUTT!!!!!!!

2008-11-24T22:01:00.002-05:00

I don't have clothez for you today, I have clothez 4 your food!!!!!!!

Here's the web copy that goes with the photo below to get you to buy it:
"This felted floppy-eared rabbit will keep your food warm. "
PIPPI: THANNX 4 COMING 2 DINNER AT MY HOUSE, I HAVE MADE SOME GREAT FOOD FOR YOU!
FRENCH FRIEND: THANX 4 DINNER!!!!! I'M, EH, SO PROUD OF VOU.
PIPPI: Eat up!
FRENCH FRIEND: Where iz zee food?
PIPPI: UNDER ZO RABBIT! IN ZE BUTT OF ZE RABBIT! EAT THE FOOD FROM THAT BUTT!!!!!!!!
FRENCHIE: U R A TRUE EUROPEAN!!!!!!
PIPPI: I'ma PEAN!!!!!!!!!
FRENCHIE: Kiss me with your American Mouth!!!!!!!
PIPPI: Don't burn me with your long cigarette!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[WE TENDERLY EMBRACE]

Professional Pippi

2008-11-16T21:19:00.003-05:00

One of the saddest things about working a serious job is that I have to take my jammies off. No jammies for eight hours??!!!! R U 4 SERIOUS??? U CAN'T B SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!! I QUIT!!!!!!!!!
WHAT?? THE ECONOMY'S IN THE POOP HOUSE?
OK, I UN-QUIT!!!!!!!!
WAIT - THAT MEANS I HAVE TO TAKE MY JAMMIES OFF AGAIN. FUUUCKK!!!!!! I QUIT!!!!!!!!
A sad cycle.

Ok, I can't quit and become a jammie model due to economic problems (broke). I realize that I can not wear my hoodie to the office and need to wear prissy jackets. If I have to wear jackets, at least I should wear a white tuxedo jacket like this:
I have started wearing this prissy swingy thing every day that looks kind of like this:
Most of the day I'm just like, "DUDE - JUST DON'T SPILL ON YOURSELF FOR A FEW MORE HOURS, OK??? JUST STICK THE LUNCH IN YOUR MOUTH-HOLE AND DON'T TAKE ANY WEIRD DETOURS OR MASH IT ON YOUR BOOB OR SOMETHING - OHHHH!!!!!!! 2 LATE."

I guess I could branch out and get some frilly things like this lady BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID TO HER LIPS!!!!!!! IT MADE HER LOOK LIKE A GUPPY!!!!!!!!!!
AND THIS MODEL IN THIS LITTLE WHITE THING IS, LIKE SUPER DRUNK OR STONED OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I guess if this model was allowed to come to work sauced I don't see why I can't.
I just got a call - this model is not stoned, she had just come out of a viewing of "Four Christmases."

Pippi Picks HEELYS

2008-11-10T22:45:00.005-05:00

This week, I want you to wear HEELYS, those shoes with HIDDEN WHEELS:
OH MY SHOOT, I WANT HEELYS SOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!! If I was Christian, I would put them on my Easter list or whatever happens on that holiday.

Ok, ok, ok, so we decided: This week we're all wearing our Heelys and parachute pants.
Whoo!
I'm going SO FAST around the restaurant!!!!!!!
I got got to work in only TWENTY-FIVE minutes instead of about THRTY-FIVE to FORTY minutes!!!!
I just jumped out of a copter and I landed SOFTLY, LIKE A CLOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perma Glasses

2008-11-08T15:56:00.004-05:00

I wore glasses for my Mrs. Claus Halloween costume and THE GLASSES MADE ME ABOUT 1/2 - 7/8 PERCENT SMARTER AND GOOD AT THINKING OF REALLY A+ IDEAS.

I GOT A TATTOO OF READING GLASSES ON MY FACE. IT HURT BUT IT WAS WORTH IT FOR SERIOUS SMARTS.