Pippi Picks Playoff Beards 2010

How many cousins do I have? I have 100,000 cousins. You've heard of Haute Hank (of course) and Lil Lil, and also many others, and by now you know that something went WRONG with our great grandpere because we got ALL THE BEST GENES and THERE WERE NONE FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. THE REST OF THE WORLD IS LIKE, "UHHHH. HOW ARE WE GONNA DO STUFF, HAUTE HANK'S GENES ARE MADE OUT OF DIAMOND SCONES."

Meanwhile, my family runs the internet. And sports. To combine all the things we are the boss of, two more cousins, one a sea captain and one the founder of the band Amethyst, have started growing playoff beards on the internet to help the Cavs win the playoffs. As you can see, they have a long way to go:

This is the sea captain:And this is the man who brought us the music of Amethyst:You know what they say: "No beards is good beards." But that was another time.

I can't grow my own Playoff Beard so in solidarity, I'm going to wear a beard wig.
This one, perhaps?
Or how about gray beard?
Or this guy?This beard kind of makes me want to barf:
GOOD LUCK, COUSINS!!!!!!!!!
FOLLOW THEIR PROGRESS AT www.playoffbeards2010.blogspot.com!

LIL LIL Picks LIL WAYNE

My magnificent cousin, LIL LILY, is deeply spiritually connected to LIL WAYNE, and she alerted me that her alter ego has his own shirt:

THE FRONT:THE BACK:
I GOT CAKE LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY!

HEY LIL LILY:
I GOT MOFUNGO LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY.

New Year's Resolution

I was in Ohio this weekend for "the holidays" and my cousins (plus Bodacious Stephen) staged an intervention:

PIPPI: HI GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING?
COUSINS ETC: Things are in the shitter, Pippi.
PIPPI: HUH?
COUSINS ETC: There are major omissions on Pippi Picks: No Lady Gaga, and no updates on Tender Panda or Kat Von D. This is a big problem.
PIPPI: But teshuvah, tzedakah, and tequila can reduce the severity of the decree?
COUSINS ETC: You have also never mentioned mytattoosucks.com.
PIPPI: I promise I will Pick mytattoosucks.com before Yom Kippur.

Now my repentance: This website has only a few bad tattoos, but some are very emotional and moving, like this one:And some, instead of sucking, are AMAZING, like this guy:
I've known whih tattoo I'm getting for a long time:
It's going to say "I LOVE TO FLIRT, I LIVE TO FLIRT" across my tramp stamp.

Option 2: "MY GRANDPARENTS WENT TO FLORIDA AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID TRAMP STAMP."

Someday, someday.

Take a Stand on Fake-Ass Hair Jewelry

Pour another litre of hooch - we have a lot to talk about.

First: This weekend is the wedding of ZOE (a cousin of me, Hank, Lily, etc), in Austin, Texas, and the world is waiting to find out what Hank will wear. A fur sleeping bag? You never know.

While I don't have wedding outfits to suggest to y'all, I have found some special, strange accessories at PixieMarket.com.
The first thing I noticed was these boss shoes: Then I saw that they had honored my previous CROTCH PANTS POST by selling big-crotched pants:
Things took a twisted turn when I realized that they also sold hair balls:
On the site, they are really called "hair balls" and they are sold for $275. WERF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
They sell other hair-cessories, too, including this hair necklace:
Here is a picture of a model brushing out her hair necklace:
Here is a picture of a model wearing hair earrings, AKA "hair-rings," "herrings."
All of the hair jewelry is made of real human hair which is good - FINALLY, some F-DAMN STRAIGHT TALK ABOUT HAIR JEWELRY. I am SO CROTCHETY SICK OF PEOPLE TRYING TO PASS OFF THEIR FAKE-HAIR JEWELRY AS IF IT WAS MADE OF REAL HUMAN HAIR.

If I can't get jewelry made of real hair I WILL SUSPEND MY CAMPAIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put THAT in your hat and fluff it!
Hair has approved this message.

Cousins Pick Money Shoes and Tattooed Lady

HANK, as you know, is a frequent Pippi Picks Concierge of Fancy Fashion. For all y'all who need some advice about how to look luxe like Haute Hank, click here for his latest recommendation.
Hank's like, "Money shoe, duh." Hank was able to give fashion advice even from the womb.

The cousin concierge talent pool runs DEEP in this family. M-m-m-meanwhile, ANOTHER cousin, LILY, emailed me something AMAZING: A link to the website of ISOBEL VARLEY, who is in the Guinness Book of World Records as THE WORLD'S MOST TATTOOED SENIOR WOMEN!She is a beast!! I love her!!!! She got her labia tattooed!!!!! Her entire head is tattooed!!!!!! She has tattoos of dicks on her chest!!!!!! Girl knows how to party.
For an education on what a tattooed cooch looks like, go to www.isobelvarley.com.

My cousins have my BACK.