Pippi Picks Tassels Sluts

Sluts, what's wrong with your regular t-shirts, you don't have the decency to take like 5 minutes and sew some tassels to them?

This bitch had less free time than you did and she got these tassels on her shorts!!!

And what, now you're going to tell me your underpants and hats don't have tassels on them either??

PippiPicks Post-Protest

This has been both a good and bad week. The country is rising up to push back against the pattern of systemic racism represented by the Eric Garner decision and the HORRIFIC LOSS of thousands of people of color throughout history who have experienced police violence and then the FURTHER VIOLENCE of the political and legal system.

This IS a movement, not a moment, and let's be clear that people have been fighting back about every part of this for GENERATIONS. And let's be clear that protesting is not an evening event, it's lifelong, intergenerational work that we're going to need our kids to follow up on and that we needed activists before us to work on.

So if we're going to continue to struggle for life, we're going to need to also plan in some recovery strategies. That's part of what pippipicks was born from, right? Did you know about that part? Where'd you think that insomnia was from? Worrying about Dawson's Creek? I have never seen that show! I have not even seen one episode of that show! I was getting too cooked in my struggle and needed some antidotes.

So re:antidotes, let me advise you on the PippiPicks Post-Protest Pose Outfit:

First, WEAR A HAT TO THE PROTEST OR I'M GOING TO WORRY ABOUT YOU! Do you know how many hundreds of people in NYC I have been worrying about because they are really cold? There is enough to worry about with people being murdered by cops, the least you can do is wear a damn hat and eat a snack out there!! Etc We need to worry about other things.

Just don't wear this hat because it's $330 which doesn't make sense. That to me is like when sunglasses are more than $7. Things meant to be left on the subway shouldn't cost more than a metrocard. Also, I'm going to sit on your sunglasses.

When you get home from the protest and you are very sad/filled with rage and horror/afraid for your life or the life of other human beings, you're going to need to get some good vibes going so you can go the fuck to sleep and go do more work. 

You must create a golden zone of peace before bedtime!! And the first step is to put on your gold hat:

And your gold pants:

And your golden paperclip:

And then put on this shirt that has a picture of a football player and says "namaste" because I don't understand what's happening in this image:

And then chant the sound of om.

And then get back out there, c'mon!

Only like 6,000,000 more layers of systemic oppression to go and we will have really fixed this thing. 

Bona Drag Picks Druid Hood, Etc

I have just been won over by the Bona Drag Boutique, because there are lots of things there that I don't understand, including:

Arm Chains?Something called a "Druid Hood:"A SEE-THRU WEDDING DRESS!And, best of all, a NO PANTS SITUATION!!!!These buyers have been following my advice carefully, I see.

PLEASE Wear This

Please, PLEASE wear this shirt on your next date:You will LIGHT FIRES with your hotttt boddyyyy.
It also comes in pink:I want one.
Wouldn't life be great if the only clothes in your closet were that green shirt, the pink shirt, and this dress?And maybe a pair of rollerblades.

Big Shoulders, Big Shoes

Gurl, how come all your shirts don't have shoulder pads??You should drefinitely werk that!!!!! And get some real tall shoes to get those shoulders UPP!!!! UP to the ROOFE!!!Mama SAID there'd be days like this.

JWOW Launches FILTHY COUTURE

YES!
Jenni Farley, AKA JWOW from Jersey Shore, finally has her own clothing line! FINALLY!
This is called the "Feathers Top:"I am very proud of JWOW for starting this beautiful clothing line BUT I am MOST PROUD of her name for the line: FILTHY COUTURE!

Here are my suggestions for spin-off fashion lines:
NASTY HATS!

FANCY CREEPS

CROTCHLESS COUTURE

CROTCH-HAT MANURE

FILTH-CROTCH ALLURE

SEXY RATS

RATS IN CROTCHLESS HATS COUTURE

This JWow is a woman after my own crotchless heart.
Work that chain bikini!
Also, check out the website: All the models kind of look like JWow.

Y'all are LUCKY I don't have a clothing line where all the models wore what I wore and looked like me because it would look like THIS:
PANDA PARTY!!!!!

Pippi Picks Dancing Panda

I am SO proud of my Tender Panda (AKA Panda Anderson) because she is on Dancing With The Stars and now the whole world will know what a special flower she is.

A DANCING PANDA!!MWA!Dance, Panda, Dance!
XOXO!!!!

LIL LIL Picks LIL WAYNE

My magnificent cousin, LIL LILY, is deeply spiritually connected to LIL WAYNE, and she alerted me that her alter ego has his own shirt:

THE FRONT:THE BACK:
I GOT CAKE LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY!

HEY LIL LILY:
I GOT MOFUNGO LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY.

BIG SHIRT, NO PANTS!

FINALLY, someone takes my advice: BIG SHIRT! NO PANTS!
Take heed!

AND AS A BONUS, I found this on a site with the best name ever, a name even Garfield could love: "I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS."

Topshop Opens in NYC and You Don't Have to Go!

Topshop, a British store, opened in NYC today and people went a little cwazy (so I heard) and stood in a line, etc, etc.

DON'T WORRY, READERS! You don't have to go to that crowded store opening! I have picked out the top, most fine picks for you to dress yourself with! Now you, too, can be British!

My #1 Top Pick from Topshop is this beatiful unitard:

#2 pick is this fine and fancy floral blazer:
I mean, you can also get other things at Topshop like stripey dresses,
bright raincoats,
OR LACE CROPPED SHIRTS!!!!!!
They also sell things like green shoes:

and playsuits, for playing in:I learned a valuable lesson snooping around Topshop.com:

DID YOU KNOW THAT BRITISH PEOPLE CALL ROLLING SUITCASES "TROLLEYS?" You did? Oh. Well, I didn't and I'm SHOCKED.

Pippi Picks Okley by M.I.A.

M.I.A., my favorite knocked-up musician, has designed a line of stripey looks!

Now you can wear a M.I.A. onesie!!!!!!!!!
You can have M.I.A.'s seductive face on your seductive front!The jacket is my favorite:
I wish M.I.A. was pregnant with ME! Then I could go to all of her shows for FREE. Tummy-row seats!!!!!!!

Exploding Animal Shirts!!!!!!!!!!!

Please wear shirts with animals exploding through the front:
Exploding shark!
Exploding magical horse!!!!!!
Props to faithful reader, BRIAN, who tipped me off to these special shirts.
DAMN, that horse is magical!!

TGIF Work Outfit

I've picked out a TGIF outfit for you to wear to work tomorrow.
It's built around this MAGNIFICENT GOLDER DIAPER:
The diaper is going to draw eyes to you like bbeez 2 honey so keep it quiet and classy up top with this little shirt:
You can cover up with this gold-splashed jacket when the prudes come calling:
I also think you should carry this boombox purse WHICH PLAYS MUSIC OUT OF ITS SPEAKERS and blast Danity Kane:
Ok, you're dressed.
On second thought, throw on this necklace so you can get the money husbands:

Pippi Takes Xiaowei to Bloomingdales

Xiaowei, a loyal Pippi Picks reader, recently requested that I take her on a shopping trip to Bloomingdales. Here is my answer:

Xiaowei, of course I will take you to Bloomingdales. I will take you anytime day or night, even if the store is closed.
To emotionally prepare, I would like to run you through a practice trip so you can get a feel for what you are getting yourself into.

The first thing we're going to do on our shopping trip is slam about 20 Pepper Bombs. Then I'll make you take shots of Crystal Palace to steady your nerves. Then I'll make you change into a bikini and take your shoes off so you'll be ready to try clothes on without any delay.

As soon as we get past security and storm through that weird Purse Hallway, I'm going to start screaming, "LEATHER, XIAOWEI! IT'S ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!!!!!!" and make you buy this big leather dress:
Then I'll say, "THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!! I'M TALKING ANIMAL PELTS!!! I'M TALKING GRADE-A PELTS, XIAOWEI!!!" I'm going to keep piling leather jackets on over the dress until you collapse under the weight and agree to buy this one:
Then you'll be sweating a lot so we'll have to sit on the couches in the bathroom and drink more Pepper Bombs to cool off. That's when we will get into an altercation with some fancy mother-daughter shopping teams out looking for cocktail dresses.

BRUISED, BLEEDING, but REVIVED, we will go to the ladiezzz floor and that's where I'm going to talk you into buying an all-mustard wardrobe including this frilly shirt and fluffy dress:MUSTARD IS THE COLOR OF MONEY!!!!! and the color of a delicious condiment and makes any women look delicious, acidic, and wealthy - ALL FINE TRAITS.

To keep you looking like an ANIMAL, though, I will also insist that you buy some animal shoes, by yelling, "MEOW!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!" all through the Hall of Shoes.

At some point, I will probably convince you to buy a fancy romper. This one I especially like because it is difficult to pee in:
On the way out, of course, I will force you to buy a gold dress because THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT ANIMALS COVERED IN MUSTARD, XIAOWEI, AND NOTHING CAPTURES THAT BETTER THAN A WOMAN DRAPED IN PRECIOUS GOLD!!!!!!!!!
Then you'll probably remind me that I've forgotten to answer your original question: Does Bloomies really sell "Legendary" earrings?????
The answer, of course, is YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These, of course, are in honor of me, Pippi.

OK, XIAOWEI, DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO BLOOMINGDALES??????
I hope the answer is yes because I am already there. Actually, I'm in the central control room in my office. To find me, just go to the floor with all the fur coats and ask one of the furriers to dial my extension:
1-800-pippi-has-a-secret-office-among-the-furs

C U SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DELAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!