I'm Not Saying I'm Back, But... A PippiPicks Q&A

Friends, PippiPicks has been on silent since 2012 and I understand that's been a big problem for everyone. I'm talking a BIG problem. I'm talking a bunch of naked people walking around refusing to dress themselves or laugh or smile or love other human beings because there I was not here to pick out their g-ddamn clothes.

I'm not sorry about this but I am sorry if you had any buttburn or any butt ice damage due to not wearing your g-ddamn clothes to protect you from different weather.

Ok, here's what I'm going to do here: I'm going to give you this special cookie outfit so you can just put an outfit on and stop causing problems and ruining your career:

I don't think this is for Halloween, I think this is for self-expression.

Question and answer session:

Q: Why is the origin of PippiPicks ?

A: PippiPicks was started to cure my horrible insomnia because there is no miracle cure better than looking at picture of Coco and pictures of hats.

Q: How can I tell the degree of Pippi's insomnia?

A: Look at the # of posts/year.

Q: I'm sorry 2007 was such a tough year for you.

A: That's not a question, that's just a nice comment.

Q: I just want you to get a great night's sleep.

A: Thanks, that makes me feel really cared for.

Q: Where did you find this photo of cookie monster.

A: On ebay, like how a normal person would.

Q: What if I don't wear the costume you told me to wear.

A: I'll cancel Halloween for my future kids.

Q: Will our future kids be friends?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you still like Coco?

A: Yes.

Q: Even though time has passed?

A: ARE YOU SHITTING ME. THIS WOMAN SAVED MY G-DDAMN LIFE.

Q: Is PippiPicks back?

A: Only one way to find out.

WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

In her comment on the last post, Hanno raised a good point: WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

This is a question that speaks to my own life because last night, WITHOUT WARNING, my boyflea's mom MAILED US A SODASTREAM SELTZER MAKER!!!!IT SITS ON OUR COUNTER AND CARBONATES THINGS ALL DAY LONG!!!!! It's hard to explain why fizzy water is so much more magical and delicious than regular water, but I think the French understand. You can ask them and they'll probably tell you to bouef or something.

In a hasty move, after I discovered the fizzy gift we had received, I called my #1 boyfriend's parents' house and when his dad answered we had the following conversation:

DAD: You've never called this number before...
PIPPI: I'M CALLING BECAUSE TODAY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED!!
DAD: [Disturbed silence]
PIPPI: YOU SENT A SODA MACHINE IN THE MAIL!!!!
DAD: Huh?
PIPPI: HUH?
DAD: I thought you were calling to tell me you're pregnant.
PIPPI: I THINK THAT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING.

Now, MIND YOU, this particular Dad is of the cowboy variety, one who famously speaks softly and reserves his zingers for only the inner circle, adding to the mystique of such classic lines as, "Well, I don't know about that," and "Hug it out, bitch."

BECAUSE OF THIS, yelling about soda to him, and inciting a false pregnancy scare was exponentially more delightful than had I called to yell about soda and pregnancy scare some other guy, and for this I think yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

In honor of Sawbones and the stress I put his through, I suggest we all wear chaps when carbonating things:I anticipate these chaps would get a major mustache twitch (high disdain).

Wedding Mania MEGAPOST

Big news, y'all: 2, yes, TWO of my coworkers have recently gotten engaged and have asked me to marry them AKA recommend wedding gowns.

DON'T WORRY, COWORKERS! NO NEED TO CALL OFF THE WEDDINGS! I WILL HELP WITH THIS EXCELLENT SELECTION OF WEDDING PICKS!!!

Luckily, these Bridez happen to be especially fine, intelligent, capable, and good-hearted women and their Groomz are both especially fine, endearing, grounded, and good-hearted dudes THUS these are HAPPY weddings, not SAD, STRANGE weddings, which I am sure many of you have been to.

TO CELEBRATE, my engagement gift to these pairs is a POST of PICKS to ensure that they have EXCELLENT, FERTILE, and, ROBUST WEDDINGS.

AS WE DISCUSSED, a good wedding dress is like a good mullet: Short in front and flowing train in the back:
For the slutz in the crowd, may I also recommend this version:
Of course, you could also go in the other direction and rock a professional white jumpsuit with hat and bowtie:
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, ok. I think we all know that a leopard dress with muff and Santa Hat is both classic and reverent:
There's also nothing wrong with doing a lot of coke, breaking into a department store, and skipping the wedding, like the bride below did:
If you love your ass as much as I love mine, you might want to work it in a mini with ass-enhancers:
If you are really sleepy, this dress comes with a built-in neck pillow:
MEANWHILE, some cultures celebrate weddings in RED, not WHITE, and I think you should look into that, especially if that means you end up wearing this:
If you're trying to hide your feet from your fiancee, cover them up with this foot poof:
Personally, I think you should ditch the white, do head-to-toe sequins and show up at the aisle like, "BA-BAM! MARRY ME NOW, DICK-BAG!:"
"I'M HOT AS A DISCO BALL, BAY-BAY!"
If you want my honest opinion, I think you should wear a golden sheath with shag padding:
My coworker, LIZ, of Snuggie/Slanket fame, mentioned that she wants to wear sleeves on her wedding day. I kind of like the idea of sleeves and no pants:
Of course, not as much as I like the idea of surprising your groom at the huppah in a giant Ursula costume:
AND NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE THIS WEDDING OUTFIT:
Ok, enough hemming and hawing! DRUMROLL, PLEASE for the PIPPI PICKS 2009 TOP WEDDING PICK FOR 2010!!!
MY TOP PICK FOR 2009/2010 IS....PEACOCK WITH GOLF CLUBS!!!
WAIT, BRIDES!!!
GAME NOT OVER!!!
YOU NEED YOUR BRIDAL SHOES!!

Liz, in your honor, I have found these bejeweled shoes:
Rachel, in your honor I have found these star heels, because you're gonna exclusion them with inciders:
For both ladiezz: My top pick is these shoes, WHICH COME WITH THEIR OWN TINY VEIL! JUST THINK, EVEN THE SHOES ARE FILLED WITH BRIDAL MODESTY AND NAIVETE!!!!
I MEAN, you could also just go with zebra shoes:
What's most important is that your heels are very, very high so that you look like a towering, bridal monster!

The fear in your guests hearts can be off-set by a glittering quinceanera tiara!
Of course, don't step into that bridal booth without big Beyonce jewels!!"YOU LIKE IT AND DID, IN FACT, PUT A RING ON IT!" was the working chorus.

ANY QUESTIONS???
I THINK THIS COVERS IT.

Now your wedding planning is done and you can go back to making me grandchildren.

SEE YOU IN VEGAS!!!!
For more wedding planning advice, CLICK HERE for the Pippi Picks BRIDES archives
for info about:
-- Fabulous Casual
-- More wedding dress picks
--Target wedding gowns
-- Motley Crue Weddings
-- Upstaging the bride
-- Pregnant slutz
-- Complete wedding plan

AND OF COURSE, YOU CAN ALWAYS PULL A PANDA:
[yes, a picture of panda anderson on wedding day]

Texas Picks Tie-Suit

Shocking events, friends.
"Anonymous," a Frequent commenter has revealed his/her identity! They are the alias "TEXAS!" Now that I know that the state of Texas is the one that has been commenting here on Pippi Picks, I feel a deep craving for brisket.

MEANWHILE, Texas recommends that we meditate on this Alexander McQueen tie/speedo:Neither your neck nor your nethers will fall off with this contrap!!!!!!!!!

Now when you swim you won't need to hold your pouch!

Readers Pick: Irregular Choice

I was so exhausted after sharing that backlog of reader submissions that I had to save this for later: One reader, the "sister" of "Wiper Peeler," recommended irregularchoicestore.co.uk and described it as a "wonderland."

UPDATE: It is, INDEED, a WONDERLAND OF CRAZY. STOP WEARING ALL YOUR PLAIN-ASS SHONKS AND SLIP INTO A PAIR OF CHERRY SHOEZZZ!!!!!
Perhaps splatter boots are more your speed?
These come with built in socks - THANK HE'ANS!!!!!
Don't go to marz without rocket boots!!!!!!!

Don't go anywhere without pink hot dog shoes!!!!!!!!!
Don't go on a sexy dates without these creepy-ass doll booties!!!!!!!!
Don't drive your frickin' car w/out spots driving shoes!!!!!!!!!

There are even tiny crazies for your crazy baby:
When you leave your frickin' house, wear these big shoes:
If your legs try to escape while you're doing errands, you can be all like, "Fuck you, legs! Y'all are strapped in!!!!!!!"
No escape, legs. Try again in 2010, you fuckers.

2008 Backlogged Reader Submission EXTRAVEGANZA!

Honies:
I have been receiving so many fabulous reader finds and I have been delinquent about thanking y'all and sharing your gifts with the team.

I now present to you The Pippi Picks 2009 Presentation of the Backlogged Reader Submissions from 2008.

LET'S BEGIN, SPECIAL PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

My friend COUNT CHOCULA sent me these terrifying Crocs that are both Crocs and... purple sheeps.


One of my two cousins named Jonah (click here to see all the ridiculously cool shit he does for a living) sent me an INCREDIBLE video for The Snuggie AKA the ultimate jammie:



ANONYMOUS came through once again and sent me a link to a designer called Monsoon Saloon that makes crazy circus clothes, capes, puffies, and big sweaters: Sweatshirt with leather tassels - DUH:

Click here to see this completely fucking crazy site.

MEANWHILE, Haute Hank sent me a link to a site that sells HAIR HATS!!!!!! YES!!!!!!! HAIR HATS 4 EVR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Click here to see HAIR HATZ!

Ever classy, he also sent me a link to Jewelry with John and Jackie (JJJ):
MEANWHILE, "Wiper Peeler" sent me a link to Shoewawa.com, a site having a contest for THE UGLIEST SHOES OF 2009: Wiper was partial to THESE CAR SHOES:I was also directed to irregularchoicestore.co.uk but I will have to post that later because I am now EXHAUSTED by all the EMOTIONS I am feeling from looking at car shoes, sheep boots, snuggies, etc.

READERS!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR FINE FINDINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!
STAY HUNGRY!!!!!!!!1
HAPPY NEW YEAR, SPECIAL DUDES AND MA'AMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

TREASON!!!!!!!!

My friend Greg has alerted me to something treasonous!! There is a woman somewhere who is getting dressed without consulting me!!!!!!!!!

According to her website, whatiwore.tumblr.com, her name is Jessica Schroeder and she PICKS her own CLOTHES and takes pictures of her outfits and posts them on her blog!! Here she is:She picks her own clothes??????????!!!!!!!! How could she possibly do it without me????????

UPDATE: Oh. Actually, I approve of her outfit. I've called my enforcement team and told them they can turn the plymouth neon around and come back to base.

Pippi Takes Xiaowei to Bloomingdales

Xiaowei, a loyal Pippi Picks reader, recently requested that I take her on a shopping trip to Bloomingdales. Here is my answer:

Xiaowei, of course I will take you to Bloomingdales. I will take you anytime day or night, even if the store is closed.
To emotionally prepare, I would like to run you through a practice trip so you can get a feel for what you are getting yourself into.

The first thing we're going to do on our shopping trip is slam about 20 Pepper Bombs. Then I'll make you take shots of Crystal Palace to steady your nerves. Then I'll make you change into a bikini and take your shoes off so you'll be ready to try clothes on without any delay.

As soon as we get past security and storm through that weird Purse Hallway, I'm going to start screaming, "LEATHER, XIAOWEI! IT'S ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!!!!!!" and make you buy this big leather dress:
Then I'll say, "THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!! I'M TALKING ANIMAL PELTS!!! I'M TALKING GRADE-A PELTS, XIAOWEI!!!" I'm going to keep piling leather jackets on over the dress until you collapse under the weight and agree to buy this one:
Then you'll be sweating a lot so we'll have to sit on the couches in the bathroom and drink more Pepper Bombs to cool off. That's when we will get into an altercation with some fancy mother-daughter shopping teams out looking for cocktail dresses.

BRUISED, BLEEDING, but REVIVED, we will go to the ladiezzz floor and that's where I'm going to talk you into buying an all-mustard wardrobe including this frilly shirt and fluffy dress:MUSTARD IS THE COLOR OF MONEY!!!!! and the color of a delicious condiment and makes any women look delicious, acidic, and wealthy - ALL FINE TRAITS.

To keep you looking like an ANIMAL, though, I will also insist that you buy some animal shoes, by yelling, "MEOW!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!" all through the Hall of Shoes.

At some point, I will probably convince you to buy a fancy romper. This one I especially like because it is difficult to pee in:
On the way out, of course, I will force you to buy a gold dress because THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT ANIMALS COVERED IN MUSTARD, XIAOWEI, AND NOTHING CAPTURES THAT BETTER THAN A WOMAN DRAPED IN PRECIOUS GOLD!!!!!!!!!
Then you'll probably remind me that I've forgotten to answer your original question: Does Bloomies really sell "Legendary" earrings?????
The answer, of course, is YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These, of course, are in honor of me, Pippi.

OK, XIAOWEI, DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO BLOOMINGDALES??????
I hope the answer is yes because I am already there. Actually, I'm in the central control room in my office. To find me, just go to the floor with all the fur coats and ask one of the furriers to dial my extension:
1-800-pippi-has-a-secret-office-among-the-furs

C U SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DELAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!