Don't Worry, Winter Sluts!

It's getting colder so those of you who are sluts are having the problem of being incredibly cold all the time.

There you are, just trying to untangle your nipple tassels from your scarf but your legs are like a polar bear's bed (ice. an ice bed).

Don't stop wearing bra outfits just because it's cold and uncomfortable!!! Just be your whole self!!!!!

Here is the solution: take your feather and string underpants and put it in a box marked "SUMMER" and then put the box in your friend's house.

Go to the box in your house that says "WINTER UNDERPANTS" and take out these leather unders:

Go on with your life.

Coco Update

I don't know have you've been getting your Coco news while I've been sleeping regularly but I know what you've been whispering to yourself in your car or while you're doing a walking meditation:
"How... is... Coco... ?... Yes... Coco, Ice T's wife... Yes... Coco Austin."

Look - she's doing great. She looks like she's doing great. She's a great person. I don't know why the milk I think I have a right to say I'm having a bad day on any day knowing that I can call or visit Coco (probably) and just be moved by her great attitude.

Here are some of the things that have been happening to her lately, I think:

One: She was a devil for halloween who loves popcorn and diet tea and this ghostman in the back understands that the diet tea is a joke about her husband, Ice T, whose T stands for something else.

Two: She attended something called the "Blood and Babes Comic Con" and something called "Make it Nasty Saturdays:"

Three: she redesigned CocosWorld.com, it looks great:

Four: SHE STARTED A MMOTHERFUCKING CLOTHING LINE CALLED LICIOUS CLOTHING THAT NO ONE BOTHERED TO DRIVE TO MY HOUSE TO TELL ME ABOUT AS IF I WOULDN'T OBVIOUSLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, EVERY OUTFIT IS DESIGNED AND MODELED BY COCO:

And she has leather pants for "mens:"

 Mazal tov to Coco on outfitting us all for every kind of situation and emotion:

TEAM COCO ONE HUNDO

team coco one hundo

Pippi Takes Xiaowei to Bloomingdales

Xiaowei, a loyal Pippi Picks reader, recently requested that I take her on a shopping trip to Bloomingdales. Here is my answer:

Xiaowei, of course I will take you to Bloomingdales. I will take you anytime day or night, even if the store is closed.
To emotionally prepare, I would like to run you through a practice trip so you can get a feel for what you are getting yourself into.

The first thing we're going to do on our shopping trip is slam about 20 Pepper Bombs. Then I'll make you take shots of Crystal Palace to steady your nerves. Then I'll make you change into a bikini and take your shoes off so you'll be ready to try clothes on without any delay.

As soon as we get past security and storm through that weird Purse Hallway, I'm going to start screaming, "LEATHER, XIAOWEI! IT'S ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!!!!!!" and make you buy this big leather dress:
Then I'll say, "THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!! I'M TALKING ANIMAL PELTS!!! I'M TALKING GRADE-A PELTS, XIAOWEI!!!" I'm going to keep piling leather jackets on over the dress until you collapse under the weight and agree to buy this one:
Then you'll be sweating a lot so we'll have to sit on the couches in the bathroom and drink more Pepper Bombs to cool off. That's when we will get into an altercation with some fancy mother-daughter shopping teams out looking for cocktail dresses.

BRUISED, BLEEDING, but REVIVED, we will go to the ladiezzz floor and that's where I'm going to talk you into buying an all-mustard wardrobe including this frilly shirt and fluffy dress:MUSTARD IS THE COLOR OF MONEY!!!!! and the color of a delicious condiment and makes any women look delicious, acidic, and wealthy - ALL FINE TRAITS.

To keep you looking like an ANIMAL, though, I will also insist that you buy some animal shoes, by yelling, "MEOW!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!" all through the Hall of Shoes.

At some point, I will probably convince you to buy a fancy romper. This one I especially like because it is difficult to pee in:
On the way out, of course, I will force you to buy a gold dress because THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT ANIMALS COVERED IN MUSTARD, XIAOWEI, AND NOTHING CAPTURES THAT BETTER THAN A WOMAN DRAPED IN PRECIOUS GOLD!!!!!!!!!
Then you'll probably remind me that I've forgotten to answer your original question: Does Bloomies really sell "Legendary" earrings?????
The answer, of course, is YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These, of course, are in honor of me, Pippi.

OK, XIAOWEI, DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO BLOOMINGDALES??????
I hope the answer is yes because I am already there. Actually, I'm in the central control room in my office. To find me, just go to the floor with all the fur coats and ask one of the furriers to dial my extension:
1-800-pippi-has-a-secret-office-among-the-furs

C U SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DELAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!

Have a Leather Hanukkah

Happy Hanukkah, special dudes!
I know, I know. I've been a deadbeat mom and Pippi Picks has been quiet since T-giving.

To make it up to you, I'm going to encourage you wear those nasty little leather gloves:
I never really feel warm in gloves like these because my little fingers can't mash together mitten-style. However, I'll do anything to be covered in LEATHER.To go full hammy, pair them with a leather jacket like celebrity chef Lindsay Lohan:Toot toot! That's a Hanukkah train!

Finally, the Leather Jacket of My Dreams

The Anica Boutique website has lots of fancy and stylish things but I have picked my two favorites just 4 U.

Puh-lease wear this royal blue accordion dress all week long: Then if you run into someone lame who you used to go to school with you can just put your finger over their mouth and say, "Shhhhhhhh. Don't speak. I am hiding." Then flip up the collar and stand very still.

Here's my second project for you:
1. Buy a leather jacket.
2. Take it to a tailor.
3. Say this:
YOU: Hi, I need some alterations made.
TAILOR: Two tomato basil!
YOU: Mmmm. Pizza...
TAILOR: Pepperoni??
YOU: Ok, ok. I need you cut the sleeves off the jacket.
TAILOR: Fine.
YOU: Actually, cut off the neck, too.
TAILOR: Moo moo.
YOU: Hmm... You know what - can you cut off the bottom of the jacket, too?
TAILOR: With ease! That will be $37.50
YOU: And can you cut a triangle out of the back, too?
TAILOR: That will be $91.50.
YOU: A small price to pay for the jacket of my dreams:
Spatzolino!

Guest Editor: Hanno Picks

Today I have a guest editor: Frequent Pippi Picks commentator and fashion icon Hanno Black.
She has a special eye for those special, flattering picks that will make your enemies glow with jealous rage.

First up: A priceless jumpsuit from Beyonce's line, Dereon:
I STRONGLY advise that you click on the photo to check out the additional views of this item on the Dereon website. When you get there, click on the "larger view" link below the photo and you will discover that THE JUMPSUIT HAS AN ATTACHED GOLD LAME CAPE THAT CAN BE FLIPPED UP TO BECOME A VAMPIRE COLLAR.

With this jumpsuit, Hanno has picked out these sensational gloves for you to wear.
If you'd like, you can wear only fingers:
Or only the wrists of the gloves:If you'd prefer, you can wear le gloves used in this butt-cracking good Vickie's Secret ad:Too timid to rock the jumpsuit?
Appeal to the lovebird in all of us with this romantic Hershey's Kiss outfit:
Thanks to Hanno, the world will soon be yours.