Don't Worry, Winter Sluts!

It's getting colder so those of you who are sluts are having the problem of being incredibly cold all the time.

There you are, just trying to untangle your nipple tassels from your scarf but your legs are like a polar bear's bed (ice. an ice bed).

Don't stop wearing bra outfits just because it's cold and uncomfortable!!! Just be your whole self!!!!!

Here is the solution: take your feather and string underpants and put it in a box marked "SUMMER" and then put the box in your friend's house.

Go to the box in your house that says "WINTER UNDERPANTS" and take out these leather unders:

Go on with your life.

Plan Ahead for NYE

I'm not really sure what this is, but I think you should wear it on New Year's Eve:You can wear it with your clogs so everyone will hear you walking around!
Clop, clop, clop!
"Here's comes a pants-less horse!!" they'll yell.

You can yell, "NEIGH!" or "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" or whatever you want.

And you can top it all off with a classic New Year's Hat!
Wear two hats: Your indoor hat......and your outside hat:Lookin' fine.

Readers Report (Extended Version)!

While I've been off cavoofing, some busy boo readers have sent in links that have inspired and thrilled them. It's time now for the 2008 Extended Update About Things Readers Saw Recently That Moved Them Emotionally.

Let's start with faithful reader "Anonymous," who sent me a link to e-mancipate.net. This site helps men find pantyhose to buy, which is very nice of them. The thing I LOVE, though, is that the site takes a proud pro-pantyhose stand, arguing that they are healthful, sexy, and "positive."

Click here to read e-mancipate.net's action items for increasing male pantyhose (which I will refer to as "mantyhose," "mantights," or "mights,") acceptance around the world. My favorite suggestion is to give mantyhose as a gift to colleagues.

My second favorite thing on the site is the pattern on the mantyhose below:

Here's my take: I am thrilled that men have a place to buy pouchie hose to wear with their roomie Manties (as featured on Pippi Picks during Mantie Mania).

Now my emotions are turning around because here's what I don't understand: TIGHTS!!!! WHY WAS I FORCED TO WEAR THEM AS A CHILD???? They fall down!! They go up my butt!!!! Men, women, we must all fight against e-mancipate.net by starting a rival company: Sloppy Legz, Inc, to promote bare, sloppy, hairy legs.

"Anonymous" also sent a link about "Bang-Go" caps, special, special hats that have a hole in the front so you can poke your bangs through. I had never thought about women with bangs as a disenfranchised group before, but this site turned my mind around in a Michigan minute. Also, I had to read the site 3 times before I understood what the fuck this crazy women was trying to sell. Answer: Bang-Go caps for sad people with bangs. Alternate answer: Hats for sluts who like it quick and have a car outside.

IN OTHER NEWS, I was recently reminded by a reader named "News for Caroline" that a close relative of my dear Clamato is BEEFAMATO, a product made by mixing tomato juice and beef broth.

SUGGESTED RECIPE:

1. Mail bottle of Beefamato to younger cousin.

2. Pass out on couch.

MEANWHILE (OH YES, THERE'SSS MORE!!!!!! THERE'S MORE 'N' MORE 'N' MOREE in this POST!!!!!!)

my big sister sent me some photos of Nike's new limited edition 3 BEARS-THEMED SNEAKS!!!!! BABY, MAMA, AND PAPA SNEAKS!!!!!! Nice find, Sister Bear!

Nice manufacturing, Nike!

NICE FIELD WORK, PIPPI PICKS READERS!!! You deserve a round of Friendly's Watermelon Slammers!!!!!!

Keep finding those picks, Faithful, and I'll keep slamming Clamato.

MANTIE MANIA!!!!!

On the last post about Kat and Nikki, a reader named "Anonymous" brought up an important point: Why so little mention of Manties?

Yes, indeed.

I highly, HIGHLY support that every man have a full set of manpanties (aka MANTIES), to help him achieve comfort and fashion.Manties.net sells Manties embroidered with every day of the week! Yesssssss! They say, "Once you try a pair, you will wonder why you never tried them before."
Pippi says, "Yes, I agree."

JUST TO BE CLEAR, I also consider the following things to be Manties:

1) Anything sold by American Apparel:Anything sold by International Male:
I think you know what to do.

Are You a Breakfast Ho?

Valentine's Day might be 10 days away, but it's never too early to plan what you're going to wear to your big date.

I think you can go two directions with this. If you're a skanky sue, I think you should show up to your special dinner in this polka-dotted bra and lace-up drawers combo:
If you're like me, though, you only put out because you're into breakfast.
If that's the case, show your man that you have a one-track mind by donning these sexy breakfast flannels:
Breakfast Ho: Honey! Let go my boob and cook me a pancake!
DATE: Awwww... you're the best.
B. H.: Oh yeah - more fruit salad! Pass me that sexy cereal!
DATE: I love it when you cover my face in Kashi and then eat each fibrous grain with soy milk.

Get hungry for Val Day!

Pippi Picks Forever 21

Man, I kind of love Forever 21.
It just has all this cheap crap. Mmmmm. Cheap. Craaaaaaap. Mmm.

I had a moment when I suddenly wanted to buy these funny looking mocs:
Like, oooooooooooooh. Slippers with hard bottoms! Then I said, "Uhhhh.... Will that match my sequin bodysuit? Will that match my pleather hot pants? No. Then they just aren't practical."

However, if this special lady below walked into Forever 21, I would advise her differently.
I would say, "Special ho! Tsk tsk! You paid $72.45 for that leather bustier! You could have gotten a Fo Fo 21 bustier for only $20!"
She would say, "Thank you, Pippi. You are like my Santa Ma'am. You helped me have a great Xmas AND a happy jew year."
Then I would say, "Anytime," and we would go get a sandwich or something.

Butt Pads

I got an email from Greg, an eagle-eyed reader who had picked out a splendid black thong-suspender dong-sack. Due to technical difficulties, the image he sent me can't be shown here but here is a similar item to help give you the general idea:The photo above + metal rings + attached suspenders = "dong swing?"
The thong shown above has built-in padding which the web copy promises "lifts you up and out."

Greg, I think you may have hit upon what should be the cornerstone of every man's wardrobe: Tasteful padding. Behold! Unders with a padded butt!

You can wear it under this...shirt! This sick, sick shirt.
This shirt would look much better with butt pads and a dong swing.

Pregnant Sluts Part 2

I've heard through the grapevine that my sister's talented and pregnant friend, Lissette, read the last post and has become a Pippi Picks Pregnant Pal.

Lissette, I am worried that you will not have enough strange and skanky gear to wear while you are preggers so I have picked out some special outfits for you.

First off, if you have to go to any birthday parties, I know exactly what you should wear:
Then you can be all like, "Honey, look what I got you for your birthday! A BABY. YES, I AM GIVING YOU A BABY and I have wrapped it in this bow." It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I also am a big believer that pregnant peeps can do whatever they want. Given that, if you go to a wedding I think that you should wear a wedding dress, too, just for fun.
Actually, you should really just go all the way and dress to impress the whole nine months.
Rock a gold lame sack!
Wear a blue...thing:
I mean, I suppose you could wear something kind of swanky :But why do that when you could romp around in a fringed handkerchief shirt?

Meanwhile, to be a TRUE pregnant slut, you need some strange maternity unders. This is what I think you should wear to the hospital when you go into labor:
Once the baby comes, you have to get a skanky nursing bra to intimidate the other moms:
Meanwhile, the picture below is freaking me out:Pippi's Fashion Rules for Pregnant Times:
1. Intimidate the other moms
2. Cut holes in your shirts so you can flash your tum
3. Wear a metallic lace body suit to the hospital to ensure that your doctor knows that you mean business.

Guest Editor: Hanno Picks

Today I have a guest editor: Frequent Pippi Picks commentator and fashion icon Hanno Black.
She has a special eye for those special, flattering picks that will make your enemies glow with jealous rage.

First up: A priceless jumpsuit from Beyonce's line, Dereon:
I STRONGLY advise that you click on the photo to check out the additional views of this item on the Dereon website. When you get there, click on the "larger view" link below the photo and you will discover that THE JUMPSUIT HAS AN ATTACHED GOLD LAME CAPE THAT CAN BE FLIPPED UP TO BECOME A VAMPIRE COLLAR.

With this jumpsuit, Hanno has picked out these sensational gloves for you to wear.
If you'd like, you can wear only fingers:
Or only the wrists of the gloves:If you'd prefer, you can wear le gloves used in this butt-cracking good Vickie's Secret ad:Too timid to rock the jumpsuit?
Appeal to the lovebird in all of us with this romantic Hershey's Kiss outfit:
Thanks to Hanno, the world will soon be yours.

Simplicity is Key

Listen here, friends.

I'm going to tell you this for your own good: You're supposed to have one pair of earrings that no one can complain about. I have helped you by picking some out:Then you can wear a trash bag splatter-painted with poo and you will still have one slightly reserved-looking item on. Simplicity! That's what I always preach!

Here is an exchange that might result from wearing these earrings:

PEEP: Your dress is... large.

YOU: But just look at my earrings!

PEEP: I can't see them under your big hair.

YOU: Who? I can't hear you from under my big hair. Talk into this tin can!

PEEP: Why did you bring all these cats to my party?

YOU: HUH?

PEEP: HOW COME YOU HAVE ALL THESE CATS ON LEASHES?

YOU: Oh! The earrings! I just threw them on! I bought them while I was Robo-tripping!

PEEP: Let's french.

See? With the earrings you can even get away with taking fashion risks like wearing these bloomers: Moo.

Slut Shower

Thanks to Eli's fine recommendation, I was shocked and awed by the disgusting world of diaper cakes. They are cake-shaped stacks of diapers for fancy baby shower gifts. Imagine! A diaper for eating! That is just dirty.
Now we know where those Hollywood types get their shit-eating grins, eh? GET IT? BECAUSE POOP + EATING = POOPY FACE!!!!!!!
Math problem:
Diapers + Cakes = crapcakes
Ladies + Baby Shower = That slut got knoooooooooocked uuuuuuuup!

Dear Knocked Up Sluts: For your upcoming baby shower, I think it would be funny if you wore a dress that was kind of prim up top and then awkwardly short around the botto:
You should roll around on your sofa and lounge in such a way that you reveal that you are wearing weird, skanky, unders:A "skirted thong?" Hmm. Knocked up sluts are cuh-raaaaaazy!
Also: I bought you a blender for your shower!
Update: Oops! That's for a wedding shower!
Update: I bought you a diaper cake for your baby shower!
Sigh. The cycle begins again.