Pippi Comes Out of Retirement

To share this hair wig with you

Please note the following facts:

• This hair wig is for all occasions including:
• your wedding day
• your boss' wedding day
• your inauguration
• your wedding day to a chef
• please note that this was originally SEVEN HUNDO AND SIXTY BONES now marked down to $266 which is a g-ddamn steal.
• Aren't you glad I came out of retirement to tell you that?
• I love you too.

Pippi Picks Tassels Sluts

Sluts, what's wrong with your regular t-shirts, you don't have the decency to take like 5 minutes and sew some tassels to them?

This bitch had less free time than you did and she got these tassels on her shorts!!!

And what, now you're going to tell me your underpants and hats don't have tassels on them either??

sorry/not sorry

In 2014, I still believe in life without pants and that you should not wear pants and it should not be a problem.

But if you work at a place where it would be a bad problem to not wear pants or you have horrible friends who try to leg shame you when you're just trying to live your life and feel a nice breeze, here is a good sweatshirt to wear by itself:

Because it will be a real mindfuck:
friends: where are the pants
you: i forgot
friends: but this says oops which means when you put the sweatshirt on you knew that you were going to make an oops which means it was not oops, it was your plan coming to life
you: oops
friends: why are you friends with me, i suck the joy from your day
you: i like your parents

I MUST Call Mother!

This priss twitch continues: I am inexplicably drawn to this polka-dot skirt:
Why? Why me? Why I have gone to the Priss Side? Am I forgetting my nasty roots? This person wearing this skirt is strolling in "pumps" down the streets of Manhattan exclaiming,
"Ah, me! LA LA LA!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOO happy! The sun is shining and I'm going to be married to the man I love best!! Mother will be SO pleased!! I must call her after I finish my weekly lunch with 'the girls!' I'm so happy and GAY!!!!"

If you MUST wear this skirt, you need to tone it down by wearing some plain-colored tunic-y shirt. Then there will just be a polka pouf at the bottom instead of the whole fruitcake. Ideally, you would wear a very scruffy, loose and drapey tank top that had rough-cut sloping neckline that showed some of your chain halter bra. That will take some of the polka edge off and reduce your general gaiety. However, I couldn't find photos of those things. Instead, you could consider wearing this tunic (in charcoal, of course, not in this blasted tan):

I also STRONGLY recommend that you wear this brilliant diamond necklace.Ok. I'm glad we had this talk.

Pippi Picks Prissy Prudes

For some reason, lately I've been attracted to kind of prissy shit. This may be because I spend all day saying things like, "I updated the database," and "Is the meeting in 15A or 15B?"
In solidarity, you should wear these prissy outfits I've picked for you:
All week, you can wear different combinations of white pants and solid color smocks:

Smocks! Tenty smocks! Doesn't that sound like the name of a British police chief?
Tenty Smocks, here. What seems to be the trouble? Tea? Yes, thank you.
Hullo? Mother, this is your son, Tenty. Yes, of course, mother! Tenty Smocks! You really must get your hearing aid checked.
Then you can mope around being all like, "Sigh. Smocky smock. I'm eating grapenuts. Yummmmm. Crunchy. I'm wearing black flats all the time etc etc etc"
If you want to be really wild and crazy, once in a while you can wear this necklace of little white dudes:

And if you have gone totally batty you can wear colored shoes:Glossy shoes, of course, will be the start of a slippery slope. Soon you'll be back in that gold bikini and vandalizing cars with Crazy String.