Because Now I Fucking Hate Christmas Again

Everything about breaking up is absolutely horrible but the one upside of this interfaith breakup is that now I can return to my previous Jewish ways* of hating Christmas and being a militant bitch during the holidays.

Didn't you miss my Grinchy ways? Weren't you sad these last years when I had an agreeable smile come December rather than a militant frown? Don't worry, friends, that militant frown is back and this time I know what to wear with it!

The Grinch has a great time, right???? 

I mean.... right?????

Am I right ladies?????????

.....

So, I suppose if you want to go full grinch, you could wear a costume like this but that seems like a real cop out

Especially when you could wear this without commentary:

Or this, for chrissake:

AM I RIGHT, LADIES???????

SERIOUSLY, AM I RIGHT HERE?????

 WHAT DOES A GRINCH HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE TO GET A DAMN TURKEY DELIVERED TO HER HOUSE??

HOW COME THERE IS NO LIKE SPIRAL HAM OR WASSAIL DELIVERED TO JEWS??? OH, BECAUSE IT'S LIKE TOTALLY NOT PART OF OUR TRADITION? OK, THAT MAKES SENSE. ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT I HAVE TO DATE A CHRISTIAN TO GET IN ON THIS PARTY?? OH, I DO BECAUSE OF CHRISTIAN HEGEMONY??? WELL, THAT SUCKS. OK, I'M GOING TO GO HAVE SOME CEREAL NOW.

 Grinch is back, ladies, call me.

*Note: not all Jews are militant bitches - I just wish more of them were! Ladies, if you are a militant Jewish bitch, CALL ME, let's go hang out! We can spray on things, like cats! And we'll be like, "As if the heteropatriarchy wasn't bad enough - now I have to oppressed by Christian hegemony the only relief being in a hetero thing with a Christian guy is society for real??" and then we'll be like, "I love you. Why did your parents name you Rhonda? Yeah, I don't know why mine named me Pippi, they're just funny and stuff. Yeah, me too. You want more of this vodka? Yeah, me neither I am going to throw up in about 10 min. I'm so glad you guys came over, I also can't believe we've been wearing the same clothes for like 64 hours. Ok, let's try to steal some bikes and like sprain something."

sorry/not sorry

In 2014, I still believe in life without pants and that you should not wear pants and it should not be a problem.

But if you work at a place where it would be a bad problem to not wear pants or you have horrible friends who try to leg shame you when you're just trying to live your life and feel a nice breeze, here is a good sweatshirt to wear by itself:

Because it will be a real mindfuck:
friends: where are the pants
you: i forgot
friends: but this says oops which means when you put the sweatshirt on you knew that you were going to make an oops which means it was not oops, it was your plan coming to life
you: oops
friends: why are you friends with me, i suck the joy from your day
you: i like your parents

SHHH... YOU KNOW ME...

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.JUST PUT IT ON:<3

NP, NS

HOO! If I had this sweater, I'd be SET!I'd go cruising around with NP, NS (No Pants, No Shirt). And big boots:Oh, or maybe these ones, which come with their own hair:

Pippi Picks ShopFatal.com

Hi Friends,

OMG, so many things have happened lately we're going to have to chat for 300 hours! LOL ROFLMAO.

MEANWHILE, I think you should get a full wardrobe at website ShopFatal.com because they have ALL the lookz you need to COOK the streets with style:

Per esempio:
Darth Sweater: Stretchy Cat Hat:Prom Dress:And Tall Shoes to bottom it off:
A complete look! No more problems!

Slanket vs Snuggie: Slanket Wins

LIZ, who is one of my coworkers, recently discovered Pippi Picks and immediately called me out for featuring a snuggie video as a Pick.
For those who don't know, A SNUGGIE IS A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES.In case you forget, the official slogan of the Snuggie is "The Blanket with Sleeves!"

Liz confronted me about my pick. "Snuggies are the poor man's Slankets," she explained to me, and that's when I learned the following things about her:

1. Her boyfriend, Seth, gave her the greatest Valentines gift of all, A SLANKET.
2. Liz appreciates the efficiency of being able to both watch TV and wave her arms around.
3. Liz has always dreamed of owning an infomercial product and now all of her dreams have come true.
4. When I asked her for an official review of the Slanket, she said, "It's the best!"

I don't remember what happened next because I was overcome with emotion and that emotion was JOY that Liz and her Slanket have found each other.

"I'd be embarrased if I had a Snuggie, but I'm less embarrassed because I have a Slanket," Liz explained.

Click here to see the Snuggie website, a sad wasteland of pain.

The Slanket website is a glorious work of art and what really got me sobbing was THE SLANKET POEMS THAT ACCOMPANY EACH COLOR CHOICE:

RUBY:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "This color is so hard to describe with words. It's a feeling, a vibration, a longing. It's rich and vibrant. It draws you in and drapes you with comfort and color. If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color...maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out."

Castlerock:

SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The high intensity discharge lights washed the steel vault in an antiseptic glow. Cold gray walls as thick as the armor of a battleship. Each man had his own reason for being there, that night. Yet they all shared one common interest. When the last seal on the door had been cracked, their treasure was revealed, The Slanket, in Castlerock Grey."

Beige: SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The smell of coffee and double apple tobacco fill the market. At the end of the street, beyond the sand worn crenellations of the ancient buildings, the desert swirls. The camels loaded with gear blend with the color of the land, their outlines barely visible. It gets cold at night in the desert, praise be Allah that you brought your Slanket in beige. All of the soft color of the desert with none of the chaffing, stinking camels, sunburns, or dehydration.

Liz, thank you for teaching me the error of my ways.
The Snuggie was not the right Pick - the Slanket combines blanket, sleeves, and POETRY.
CASE CLOSED.

I Am the Xmas Xpert!

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!
I am celebrating my very first Christmas this year with my A+ boyf's family! A Jew at Christmas! That's as preposterous as a clam in the senate!

Look, guys. I may be le Jew, but I sure know how to dress for Christmas. I also make sure to have a set of holiday sweaters to impress the Christian Crew.

This is a photo of me enjoying the Christmas lights:This is a picture of me in my most spirited sweater. Look! Even the flamingos are wearing Christmas sweaters!
Sometimes, though, Christmas is less casual. At those times, I ditch my sweaters and slip on this delightful top:
Merry Christmas Eve!
Don't forgot to clean your Santa Chute!

Pippi Picks a Friend

I have received some complaints that I have only been offering my divine guidance to sluts and leaving dicks out in the cold. Wipe your balls on this towel!! Eat a tasty cake! I have picked some shit just for you, mens!!!!

You should know by now that I (Pippi) have excellent taste in ALL THINGS including what you should wear and how often you should party with Panda Anderson (Answer: All days). Meanwhile, my #1 pick in the game of love has come to visit. This A+ Sir is none other than my friend with benefits (#1 benefit is 3-year relationship) who has appeared in a cloud of perfume and diamonds. This man has the punctuality of a fine wine, the instincts of a fierce owl, and the ass of an angel. He is the new Pippi Picks Muse of 2006/07 AKA Slut of WebSpace "The Swim Suit Edition."

To show my inspiration, I have picked out some clothes just for him:
First, I would like him to wear this chunky sweater:
Later, when we go to the theater, he can wear this fancy frock:
Of course, this high-maintenance honey needs me to keep him in furs and horses... and to beautify the well-appointed home I will purchase for him, I have picked out these sneaky prints: This will remind him that he only has all of his furs and jewels because of the money I make playing basketball.Yes, readers, there is a big announcement: A new voice has come to PippiPicks. Starting today, you can submit your fashion queries to Pippi's Boyfriend, too. "Ask Pippi's Boyfriend" will be an occasional column on this A+ blog.
WHAT, OH WHAT, WILL HIS ANSWERS BE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
CRAP????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO????????//
WHY HAS HE COME HERE?????????/
WHY IS HE RUINING EVERYIGTHIOJIO------------ ok. all's well again.

Shveater?

Dear lord. What is going on with this sweater?

When you wear this sweater you should wear a gold lame bikini under it (please note: I actually own this very bikini and look like a golden ANGEL in it. an American ANGEL. with golden WINGS. and golden T & A)
Then you should get drunk and make chocolate fondue and smear the chocolate all over your face and the white sweater. Wouldn't that be fun?

Then you should realize that you are standing with a fondue pot in a Michael Kors store and that all the salesladies are piiiiissed.

Sales Lady: Do you realize how much that sweater cost?

You: Drizzzzzzzzzed, bitch!!

SL: $1,448 marked down from $2,895.

You: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

SL: I will let you have it for free if you let me have some of your fondue.

You: Deal.

SL: Mmmm!

You: Don't I look like a golden angel in this bikini?

SL: Mmmm.