#1 Boots, #1 Hatz

Ok - tomorrow I want you to wear these most perfect boots:
Aha! Perfect! The fringe! Yes! More fringe!

Ah, yes. Regular readers are starting to catch on that I am trying to assemble an entire wardrobe IN WHICH EVERY ITEM IS COVERED IN LUSCIOUS FRINGE.
Now that you've figured this out, what are you going to do now, smart one? Eat a potpie?

No! Put on this be-fringed hat! Yes!
I know that some people do weird things like matching their shoes to their purses, etc. You should match your fringed boots to your fringed hat: I like to match my headband to my douche bag.

How to Succeed at Law

Readers, my expert eye has been called to a new challenge: How can I help my friend Matt, a young law student?

I don't know what they "do" in "law school" but I think I have a plan for how Matt can be king of the school by using the power of my fine advice.

Matt, are you listening? Your future's in the bag here.

First off, you need to come in to class wearing something that will really wow your professors:
See, in stately robes you're telling Mr. Teach, "I get it. I empathize." Look at the way this model is holding those glasses. He's ready to EAT the law.

Another approach is to take it up a notch and switch to robes meant for ministers:
Your professors won't know why, but suddenly they'll be seeking out your advice! They'll feel the holy tentacles of your fine student-hood embracing them!

You can give the look that sexy sizzle by switching to white robes for exams:At this point, the professors will HAVE to recognize that you are a true ANGEL of the law and will have to give you cash, jobs, and law prizes.

To make sure they get the message, add this "PIMP" dogtag to your look:As long as you're going to do that, you should probably carry a pimp cup, too:
At that point, you should also be wearing an iced-out watch:Unless your professors are A-HOLES who don't know what a ACE OF THE LAW looks like, you will hear them say these things:

PROFESSOR: I have canceled your homework! Please take my job.
MATT: I love you too, professor.
PROF: You are good at law.
MATT: I know, I know.
PROF: I made a hot scones for you!
MATT: Can I play Scramble for a living?
PROF: Yes. Yes, you can. You look so good, I will support you and sponge bathe you.

Meanwhile, you can get this ring engraved with "Law School" instead of "Pesiri:"

Pippi Learn About Her Inner Essence

I have my own shoe! This is just like how people named "Mary Jane" have gotten to gloat and gloat because they have shoes AND weed named after them.

Loeffler Randall makes a shoe called the "Pippi Twist Front Flat!"
Look! This is a picture of my essence!
Even though I am honored, I also feel confused. Is "Pippi" the style of the shoe or the type of "twist?" What does this say about my personality and true heart-spirit?

Is this twist the "Real" Pippi?
Answer: Yes! Yes it is!

In the 2008 "What is a Pippi?" Contest this twist shoe beat out the runners-up Wig Pippi and Ferret-Named-Pippi:Here's what I learned about Pippi the ferret:
" Pippi is the tiniest of our four fuzzbeans, but she's also the acrobat of the group. She's quite the remarkable little athlete, and she's taught the rest a couple of shortcuts to getting around various parts of our home."

Ah hah! Self-discovery! I have found my inner shoe, wig, and ferret!

Oh, Snaps.

I like the snaps on these sleeves!
If you get too hot you can yell "SHALALA!" and free yourself from your frock revealing that OHHHHHHHHH, SNAP!!!!!!! YOU ARE WEARING A POLKA-DOT TUMMY-KINI UNDERNEATH!!!!!Then you'll be all like, "Who's ready for a swim... IN THIS POOL OF JELLO?"
and everyone will be like, "That's either sexy or gross - I can't decide!"

That's when you yell, "KISS THE RING, BITCHES!" and make them kiss your piles of black rings.
Man, Jello pools are hard to clean.

Hot Heels from Haute Hank

Henry has done it again!
Like a baseball agent trolling the towns of USA looking for fresh talent, Haute Hank roams the Interweb and trade shows looking for things to email his cousin, Pippi aka mom of Pippi Picks.

This time he has sent me a special gem: Radical shoes with strange heels!

Click here to see hot heels from Haute Hank!

Yowza! What a shoes!

Hank endorses the following:
1. The Chanel sock/shoe
2. The Marc Jacobs sideways mystery heel
3. The Prada houseplant/stocking

Pippi Picks Pricey Poofs

I always like Mint Jodi Arnold stuff because it's always kind of pretty and kind of...weird.

HOWEVER, I will probably never buy any "Mint" products other than Yorks and Junior Mints because DEAR LORD, THESE CLOTHES ARE SO DISGUSTINGLY EXPENSIVE IT MAKES ME WANT TO POOP ON MY OWN PILLOW.

Poofs! Pricey poofs for he's and she's!
Poof!
Pricey poofs! Pow!

My Favorite Parts of Whac-a-Charge

RE: The post below

Here are my FAVORITE parts:
1. When Sir Charge kisses the money bags.
2. When Sir Charge flicks his nose.
3. When Sir Charge puts up his cute little fists.

OMG! WHAT A SPECIAL, SPECIAL GUY!!!!!!!

THANK YOU, ANONYMOUS! YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE!

OH. MY. GROD.

I don't know who "Anonymous" is, but they just changed my life by offering me this YouTube link in the "comments" section of the last post.

Whoever you are, I am eternally grateful.

OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! MY SPECIAL SIR CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM MORE THAN PASTRAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOK AT HIM GO!!!
YOU ARE ONE IN A MILLION, SIR CHARGE AKA MY BEST FRIEND!!!!!!

Pippi Sneaks onto the Prom Committee

Man, I am so attracted to this striped shirt... I want to take it to the prom.
If you want to be animalistic like this model, you can pair it with a high-waisted skirt, too, and get booked for modeling jobs:Next time I'm in high school I'm going to sneak onto the prom committee and suggest that the prom theme be "Hand Jobs."
What? It's true!

Show Your Stripes!

I think you should wear shoes like this because I do:Neutral! They're my brown loafers!
Everybody needs stripes!

Are You a Breakfast Ho?

Valentine's Day might be 10 days away, but it's never too early to plan what you're going to wear to your big date.

I think you can go two directions with this. If you're a skanky sue, I think you should show up to your special dinner in this polka-dotted bra and lace-up drawers combo:
If you're like me, though, you only put out because you're into breakfast.
If that's the case, show your man that you have a one-track mind by donning these sexy breakfast flannels:
Breakfast Ho: Honey! Let go my boob and cook me a pancake!
DATE: Awwww... you're the best.
B. H.: Oh yeah - more fruit salad! Pass me that sexy cereal!
DATE: I love it when you cover my face in Kashi and then eat each fibrous grain with soy milk.

Get hungry for Val Day!

Patriots Fans - Heal Your Soul With FRINGE

I am devastated that the Patriot's perfect season was RUINED by the forces of the bad winds or some other bad luck!
How could they lose? HOWWWWWWWWWWW???????????????????

I'm going to console myself by wrapping myself in sensual fringe:
I FEEL BETTER ALREADY!

I will feel even BETTER if I pair that jacket with this purse:
DAMN YOU, NY GIANTS-FAVORING WINDS OF CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!

Go Tattooed Models!

It isn't very often that stores hire tattooed models to pimp their clothes so when I see it done I say, "GOOD JOB!"
Look at that! This tattooed lady is workin' it!
Yeah!
Sell that dress!

Thanks to her, JanesCloset.com wins the Pippi Picks 2008 Nice Ink Clothes-Sellers Award. Congrats!

G.I. Joe for USA

Oooh - I want you to wear this G.I. Joe ID bracelet every day in case something horrible happens to you:
If you get smushed by a bus and they have to identify you they'll say, "Ohhh. She belongs to America, sirs."

Just to be safe, you better keep these sunglasses on all the time, too:
Then they'll know you lived free and wild like a stallion.

Pippi Picks Your Perfect Outfit

This might be my favorite outfit ever:
A bodysuit with a detachable skirt! Perfect!

Put the skirt on when you go to work...Then if you come across a swimming pool on your coffee break, BLAM!
TEAR OFF THE SKIRT!WORK IT!!
GET IN THE POOL!!
GET A NICE HUSBAND!!!!!!
GREAT LEGS!!
WORK THAT CRACK!

Pippi and Sister Terrify Themselves in NYC

My little sis came to visit last week and we got SILLY! "Silly and the City" is the silly version of a certain TV show.

We saw lots of strange things in fancy store windows that we brought back to share with you:

First off:
Furry necklace! FURRY!
We spent a long time outside of the Prada window on Madison Avenue trying to figure out what the deal was with this mannequin:
Jammies? Could it be? Good thing this jammie friend has these golden heel...socks:
Meanwhile, this special mannequin was relaxing in GOLDEN SEQUINED PANTS!!!! Pants so beautiful they blew her head off!
We got spooked by this window selling heart-shaped necklaces:
Then we went and freaked ourselves out at FAO Schwartz:
This Barbie has something special to say to us:Interviewer: What are your career aspirations, Ms. Barbie?
Barbs: I CAN BE BABY DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!Across the way from Baby Doctor, DOLLS DEPICTING THAT UNWATCHABLE SCENE FROM SPIDERMAN 3 were HANGING OUT AS IF THAT SCENE WAS NOT HORRIBLE ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING COMMEMORATED BY CREEPY DOLLS!!!!!!!!

Yes, Kirsten Dunst doll, I blame you.
At least my best friend, the Hamburgler was there:
My other best friend, 3-headed Cerberus, is a perfect way to keep the kids cozy and comforted at night!
MOMMY: Shhh, sweetie, it was just a bad dream. Here, hug your 3-headed doggy.
KID: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
MOMMY: There, there. Hug the doggy.
KID: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It wasn't a dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOMMY: I CAN BE BABY DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!
KID: Stupid Barbie Mom!!!!!!!! Why can't I have REAL parents who get me normal toys?????????

NYC is scary, man. Thankfully, my sister protected me from these sights. She also fought off the fur-coated ladies that chased us on Madison.

Haute Hank Always Delivers

My brilliant cousin, high-fashion high-schooler Henry, just sent me this unbelievable link:
Brill!
He wrote, "WOAH! STAR TREK!"
He also signed the email "Haute Hank," yet another flourish of his precocious genius!

When I die, dear friends, although the entire Interweb will weep and fuss, I know the younger generation will continue my fine tradition of A+ Picks.

Pippi Picks Barneys Best Buys for Pranks and Laughs

I have never bought anything at Barneys! I think spending big bucks for small sweaters is like pooping on your money and flushing it down the honey pot!

However, if you MUST be kept in fancy furs, now is the time because Babs New York is having a special sale.

I have picked out the Pippi Picks Barneys Best Buys of Early 2008 to help you with your luxury bargain hunting.

As always, I would like you to wear a special sack:
If that won't do, this two-toned jammie will display your tummy handsomely:
Barneys also has a selection of shoes just for pranking your friends and frenemies!

Some dumb friend will say, "Yai! Nice pants!"
That's when you say, "I've got you now! These boots come with LOWER PANTS ATTACHED! Now YOU are the fool, Francoise!!!!!"
You may want to wait for warmer weather, though, due to the problem of chilly thighs.

MEANWHILE, if someone you hate is having a birthday, give them these shoes:
Have them put them on and say "Break a leg!" PRETENDING THAT IT IS A JOKE!
HA! WHO IS MAKING A JOKE NOW??? NOW YOU ARE MAKING A JOKE!!!!!!
BAM! THEY WILL BREAK ALL KINDS OF THINGS!!!!!!!

Green Jeans?

I used to have a pair of black, skinny jeans.
I wore them every day for a couple years and all of a sudden they're not "skinny" anymore! They're not even very "black" anymore! Now they're off-black, slouchy jeans with saggy knees!

How am I supposed to score now???

Even though I love rolling around in my bathtub full of money, I might have to get out of the tub to buy a newer, tighter pair of jeans, tight enough to show off my outrageous butt.

This time, I might branch out and get some skinny green jeans:
Pippi Green Jeans.
Then my green butt will look like a beautiful lima bean.

I Wish All My Clothes Were Yellow

Right now I secretly wish that all of my clothes were yellow:
Right-O! Yellow time!
By the way, bargain hunters, that jacket is on sale for $67.50 down from $270. I mean, if you're into that.
Right-O!
I paired my yellow jacket with a yellow frock! I'm a lemon, I am!

Added bonus: When you wear all yellow, you don't need to inconvenience yourself by stopping to pee. You can just let it go wherever - no one but your dress will know.