A Fashion Puzzler!

Readers:
I apologize for this impolite delay in my fashion advice. I know that my words of fashion wisdom are like water in the desert: NECESSARY FOR BASIC SURVIVAL.
Readers, even I, Pippi, am currently embroiled in a fashion puzzler.
FRIENDS! COUNTRYFRIENDS! Today I turn to you!
This weekend, I have to attend the following events one right after the other:
1. Work in my cubicle
2. A bachelor party
3. A job interview
4. An elementary school's production of "Shrek"
5. A wedding
6. A funeral
7. 2 long train rides

QUESTION: What outfit can I wear in all seven situations???
My criteria is this: I don't want to have to change my clothes at any point.
ANSWER: I should give up immediately, drink seven beers, and then put on these disturbing shorts:
IN ADDITION, I should wear this ill-fitting shirt
Lastly, I should wear this ghostly necklace:Over the course of the weekend, I think I will avoid showering or brushing my teeth as well. Hopefully, by the time I arrive I the funeral, I will smell and look so terrible that everyone will burst into tears when they see me, thus distracting them from the sad event.
I think this is the perfect plan.

If anyone thinks otherwise, speak quickly! Otherwise, I will go pick out the one pair of underwear that I will commit to from Thursday to Sunday.

Burger & Desserts

Uh oh. Someone has gone inside my head and taken my diary:
The diary shown above is called the "Burger & Desserts Korean Diary" on asiajam.com which is, of course, a Japanese and Korean streetwear site. Besides Burger & Desserts Korean Diary, you can also buy pants like these...
...and dresses like this:

Oh no. My future kids are really in for it. I am CLEARLY going to name them Burger & Desserts.

Sweat-Shoes!

This is a good trick: Some clever fellow figured out a way to wear a 100% sweatsuit: Whoa. This is underlined. Very mysterious. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrry mysterrrrrrrrrrioussssssssssss.
MAD SCIENTIST: WIT RUBBAH, I HAF FOUND A WAY TO RUBBAHIZE MY SWEATSUIT, LEADING TO OUTDOOR SWEAT-SHOES!
SCIENTIST'S DOG: STOP YELLING!
MS: zziii! sorry, tender pet!
SD: Your shoes are very nice, sir.
MS: Loyal Rudolf, you have been with me for, lo, ten years now.
SD: And you have had a crazy accent for 50% of that time.
MS: Exactly.
SD: Exactly.
MS: Now... Behold! It looks like a boot but it is very squishy!
SD: Holy bones! You've done it again! Brilliant!
MS: Thank you, loyal pooch! I will reward you with chewies!
SD: Oh, you.

FIN.

JUST TRY IT

I think we can all agree that your life would be better if you had a full set of gold lame clothing.
I know, I know. I've been pushing the gold lame for a long time and you haven't taken my advice.
You know how some people try to convince you that your life would be perfect if you stopped eating gluten? I don't really care about gluten but I am SURE that gold lame will get you cash and marriage and other things you want. Just TRY it.


I mean, DUH.
You know that book "The Secret?" I know, I haven't read it either. It's totally fucked up, right?
The REAL secret is to cake your ass with GOLD. DUH.

Pippi Larvs You

HI, FRIENDS!

Just for Men

In his last comment, my fine and bed-ridden reader, George, asked me to advise him on the following issue: What should men wear in the boudoir?
Here are two options:

Option #1: Wear a dress.
You can tell your guests that it's a "night shirt." You can also belt it and wear it to a dinner party with a jaunty cap. Feel the spring breeze on your liberated legs! Let your bum know the taste of freedom!
Option #2: Wear a Union Suit.
This will show off your great gams and give you a cozy allure. I think we all know, though, that the butt flap is the real prize pie here. Any item of clothing that lets you poop while dressed is an A+ stitch.
IN CONCLUSION: Get well soon, George! A magical world of masculine jammies awaits!
In honor of you (and the excessive jammie-centric Pippi Picks posting this past month), I name the month of May "American International Jammie Month for Both Bedroom and Home."

Fancy Jammies

You better not pee the bed while you're wearing these fancy jammies:
You'd be like, "Rats. These were 150 bucks. Why didn't I just get my ass up and use the potty?"