Friday, March 28, 2008

Thank YOU, Stationary

I am horrible at getting it together to write thank you notes. I think this is partly because I am a disorganized fool, partly because I am mean and nasty, and mostly because I NEVER have any stationary or nice-looking cards.

I'm betting that you don't have stationary, either. If you do, please send yours to me so I can write some thank you notes.

If you don't, I think you and I should get one of the following nice cards from this funny company called Ferdinand:

Option 1: Deer playing accordion

Option 2: "You Beast!" Cards Option 3: Butt cards
Option 4: WTF stationary

We are well on our way to being hella mannered!
I can't wait!
I'm going to thank EVERYONE, especially Coco and Tender Panda.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Shoe Divorce

RATFINK!
In a shrewd move, all of my shoes are falling apart at the same time! WHYYYYYYYY?????

My beautiful Reebok Freestyles are in shreds!
They look like these but they have a silver splatter-paint design:Meanwhile, the Seychelle's flats that were supposed to be my "tidy shoes" have split open in the front. DAMN IT ALL!
Actually, they look nothing like these ones here:
What will I do now??? Go barefoot? LIE DOWN AND DIE??????
Other options:

Perforated booties:
Little animals:
Golden sneaks:
I need to get my team to stay glued to Sneaker Freaker until this is RESOLVED...
More likely: I will continue to wear my broken shoes until one gets lost in a mud pit while I am trying to retrieve my cell phone.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Henry Picks: Bumble Bee Bazaar

My cousin Henry has sent me yet another gem: A bee-themed bonanza!

He found these bee-themed Prada things:
Bee Bag! Bee shooze!
I think these things are for two types of Bee Movie fans:

1. Rich children who liked Bee Movie but are too glamorous to wear licensed Bee Movie children's clothes.
2. Grown-ups who liked Bee Movie but are too snobby to wear slutty bee costumes.
I think Prada nailed both demographics.

Reader Query

In the comments section of the last post, "Jonah," a regular reader, asked me this question:

"ear pippi,

if you were building an artificial man out of clay and using kabbalistic ritual to bring this golem to life, how would you clothe him? keep in mind that he will probably either grow to be enormous and wreck stuff. on the other hand, he might kill nazis instead.

keep in mind that i already made him, his name's Merv"

Ear Jonah,

I think this clay man should wear a snowman costume:

That way, if he starts attacking people they won't mind. I mean, would you mind if a cuddly snowman starting wrecking stuff? I would think it was cute.

Also then you can teach him the Young Jeezy song where he sings, "I'M THE SNOWMAN, BITCH!"

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Pippi Picks Floppy Dicks

Oh ho! These earrings are made out of that plastic bead stuff!
How did that bead kit work? You made the design and then heated it up? Is that what we're talkin' bout here?

MEANWHILE, I just looked at the website again and realized that these are supposed to be floppy disks.

Floppy disks? BOOOOOOOOOOORING!!!!!!
How about FLOPPY DICKS!
Now THAT is what EXCITES me.

COMPROMISE:
Floppy disks filled with pictures of floppy dicks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Mandy Moore and Joss Stone's Daughter is Fighting for Change

I don't think this shirt is that funny but right now I think this shirt is REALLY funny:
Right now, I'm imagining that this girl is trying to really make a difference with the politics and the governmentals and so she joins a bunch of dudes and ladies who are pumped up to git out the vote. They're all wearing t-shirts like this:Or "I am still voting for Huckabee even though he dropped out because I just love a good loon," and then they're yelling,
"Yay! Vote! Yeah!"
and she's yelling,
"I CUT MY OWN HAIR! YES, I DO! I THIS MYSELF!!!! IN MY BATHROOM!!!! WITH A CLIPPERS!!!"

Also, doesn't she look like a cross between Mandy Moore and Joss Stone?
Maybe they smooshed their vagines together and made a daughter. That's where daughters come from, right? And sons come from mixing balls.

In other news: Right now, only Adam has entered the big Pippi Picks contest which means he is definitely going to win. Don't worry! There's still time for you to win the big prize!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Win Big Next Week on Pippi Picks!!!!!!!!

I know how busy you are, but you need to stop leaving the house just wrapped in your sheets. Sure, it's convenient, but I don't want you flashing your precious muff every time a chilly wind blows.

This week, I want you to try this all-in-one sheet skirt instead. It has all the convenience of bedding but you don't need to hold it up while you pay for your morning miller lite tall boy.
Protect your muff!
Wrap your puff!
Fire your fluffer!

Next week on Pippi Picks: Win free tickets to EuroDisney.

UPDATE: Plane tickets not included.

UPDATE: EuroDisney not included.

UPDATE: Next week on Pippi Picks! Win a free scone!

UPDATE: Win 3 free old scones.

UPDATE: Includes other stuff in my fridge.

UPDATE: Includes old chicken and broccoli.

Friday, March 7, 2008

HAH! LE CAVOOF!

This weekend, I want you to wear something that will add an element of surprise to your life.

When you walk toward your admirers, they will say, "Oh. She is wearing le jacket! Whatoovs!"
That's when you turn around and say,
"OOF! I HAVE CAVOOFED YOU!"
"SACRE BLEU!" they'll say. "LE CAVOOF!"
"OUI! LE CAVOOF!"
"ONCE AGAIN, WE HAVE BEEN CAVOOFED BY OUR OWN CALOOOVF!"
"Yes. Once again, Madeliene."

Hah hah!
You are truly le bouf cazvoof!!!!!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Over-the-Counter Capes

Blech!
It's raining and I have a cold!
No person has ever withstood such terrible hardship!

Only ONE THING can make me feel better and that's a cropped satin cape!
Thank franz it has a hood, too!
Nothing is sexier than alluringly flopping your cape while glugging Nyquil!

Update: One thing is sexier - SPECIAL PANDA'S BONE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN HER SPECIAL SPINE BONE IS AN A+++++++++!!!!!!!!