Monday, February 26, 2007

Slut Tub

I think this dress is totally stupid looking. It's a bunch of t-shirts sewn together and it's $275.
HOWEVER, I LOVE this bathtub. Oh my cow.
That is an unbelievable bathtub. I don't even know what to say except "Thank you, bathtub."
Here the outfit I would put together:
Item #1: Big bathtub
Item #2: Citrusy bubble bath
Item #3: One polka dot bangle:
Then I would go to a party. Dressed in a bathtub. I mean, I would also wear a kerchief around my hair. Duh! I'm not a skank!

The "Be Gone!" Collection

Instead of quacking about the Oscars which are boooooooooooooring, I have instead picked out a special "Be Gone!" collection for you. I have always tried to keep around a sack of clothes that will help me repel stinky people. Stinky people are people who kick grandmas, say "that's so gay," or try to talk about art history at parties. Included in my personal "Be Gone!" sack is my pale beige lipgloss which makes me look absolutely ill and my "Knife Fight" shirt. Together, I hope that the person I don't like gets my special message: "I am going to puke on your pants and then knife you!"
There are many ways that you can go. The first is to try to slip a subtle hint to this person. Try this necklace:
This necklace says, "If you keep talking about art history, I will hit you with a chain."
Meanwhile, you may have to deal with late night intruders:
If you wear this scissors shirt to bed, you can spring up and threaten, "If you don't get out of here, I will give you a terrible haircut! Be gone!"
If they don't get the hint, you may need this gun bracelet:
This tells your foe: "I don't have a gun. But I will flatten you with my stinky pits."
As a wise man once said, "Bitch! Get the fuck out my face!"

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Shveater?

Dear lord. What is going on with this sweater?
When you wear this sweater you should wear a gold lame bikini under it (please note: I actually own this very bikini and look like a golden ANGEL in it. an American ANGEL. with golden WINGS. and golden T & A)
Then you should get drunk and make chocolate fondue and smear the chocolate all over your face and the white sweater. Wouldn't that be fun?
Then you should realize that you are standing with a fondue pot in a Michael Kors store and that all the salesladies are piiiiissed.
Sales Lady: Do you realize how much that sweater cost?
You: Drizzzzzzzzzed, bitch!!
SL: $1,448 marked down from $2,895.
You: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
SL: I will let you have it for free if you let me have some of your fondue.
You: Deal.
SL: Mmmm!
You: Don't I look like a golden angel in this bikini?
SL: Mmmm.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Loyal Friends

Dear loyal, loyal readers,
Despite your loyal readership and courageous hearts, these past days I have left you to flail and dress yourselves without any special guidance and Picks. I assume that without my wise words you have been wandering around naked and confused.
You see, PippiPicks was started to help me cure my fabulous insomnia. When I sleep like a sack of onions, there are no Picks! More sleeps, less blogz! To make it up to you, I am offering you this photo of long socks with built-in knee pads. Kickin'!
Meanwhile, if you are cracked about bargains you can go look at the weird stuff at Creatures of Comfort. They are having a sale. They sell lots of stuff by "indie designers" that waver between looking totally amazing and like they were sewn by wolves who kept accidentally ripping things with their claws. I am a big fan but everything costs too many clams for this mermaid.
This is a "knit" in the "glitzy grandma" knitting tradition. $25 down from $200! Now you can take a bath in cash! Now you can buy your honey a chocolate diamond and a gold dress!
If you want to make a sly comment about current events, wear these high-waisted pants:
You will cleverly look like you are wearing a diaper, just like that zany astronaut.
Furthermore:
Happy Valentine's Day! I love you, too. Now buy me a diamond!

Friday, February 2, 2007

How Does Maria Solve Problems?

Are you a first grade teacher? You are? Good.
I have some special advice just for you.
Draw on the wisdom of the great Drooly Andrews and her star turn as "Maria" in The Sound of Music: Bring joy to the Von Trapp home!
Next Monday, run in to your classroom with a wild-eyed look and shout, "Children! The drapes! We'll make play clothes out of drapes!!"
Then you can make yourself this dress:
Put on the dress and start yelling, "Doe! A deer! A female deer!" as you run through the playground and fling flowers into the air. This will surely inspire the children to be FREE!, outsmart any lurking Nazis by hiding with nuns, and overcome the rigors of school by remembering the joy of whiskers and mittens.
Mittens!

Fug Love

My shout outs to ugly have been in honor of Go Fug Yourself, a effing hilarious blog that makes fun of the fugly.
KEY DIFFERENCES between Fug and Pippi:
The fug ladies hate ugly.
Pippi LOVES ugly.
Monster LOVE cookie.

HOWEVER!
THOSE LADIES ABUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY AS MUCH AS I DO! THAT'S NIIIIIIIIIIIICE! THAT'S SOUUUUUUULMATE MATERIAL!!
Pippi on a date: I'M SHOUTING!!!!!!!!
DATE: YOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
PIPPI: SOULMATE!!!!!!!1