Saturday, August 30, 2008

Pants Alert from Haute Hank

Bonjour!
I'm trying to learn French while I'm unemployed. Here are the words I've learned:
BONJOUR!!!!!!!
MERCI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
ORANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PATE!!!!!!!!!!!

As the French would say, "Pippi is the King of Le France!!!!!!!!!! Pippi bonjour fromage orange!!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, Haute Hank would like to encourage you to wear these pants:
As the French would say: "HANK merci vin tartine pom poulet poulet!!!!!! POULET, HANK! POULET!!!!!!!!!!"

MERCI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AS THE FRENCHIES SAY, "BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Pippi Takes Xiaowei to Bloomingdales

Xiaowei, a loyal Pippi Picks reader, recently requested that I take her on a shopping trip to Bloomingdales. Here is my answer:

Xiaowei, of course I will take you to Bloomingdales. I will take you anytime day or night, even if the store is closed.
To emotionally prepare, I would like to run you through a practice trip so you can get a feel for what you are getting yourself into.

The first thing we're going to do on our shopping trip is slam about 20 Pepper Bombs. Then I'll make you take shots of Crystal Palace to steady your nerves. Then I'll make you change into a bikini and take your shoes off so you'll be ready to try clothes on without any delay.

As soon as we get past security and storm through that weird Purse Hallway, I'm going to start screaming, "LEATHER, XIAOWEI! IT'S ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!!!!!!" and make you buy this big leather dress:
Then I'll say, "THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!! I'M TALKING ANIMAL PELTS!!! I'M TALKING GRADE-A PELTS, XIAOWEI!!!" I'm going to keep piling leather jackets on over the dress until you collapse under the weight and agree to buy this one:
Then you'll be sweating a lot so we'll have to sit on the couches in the bathroom and drink more Pepper Bombs to cool off. That's when we will get into an altercation with some fancy mother-daughter shopping teams out looking for cocktail dresses.

BRUISED, BLEEDING, but REVIVED, we will go to the ladiezzz floor and that's where I'm going to talk you into buying an all-mustard wardrobe including this frilly shirt and fluffy dress:MUSTARD IS THE COLOR OF MONEY!!!!! and the color of a delicious condiment and makes any women look delicious, acidic, and wealthy - ALL FINE TRAITS.

To keep you looking like an ANIMAL, though, I will also insist that you buy some animal shoes, by yelling, "MEOW!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!" all through the Hall of Shoes.

At some point, I will probably convince you to buy a fancy romper. This one I especially like because it is difficult to pee in:
On the way out, of course, I will force you to buy a gold dress because THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT ANIMALS COVERED IN MUSTARD, XIAOWEI, AND NOTHING CAPTURES THAT BETTER THAN A WOMAN DRAPED IN PRECIOUS GOLD!!!!!!!!!
Then you'll probably remind me that I've forgotten to answer your original question: Does Bloomies really sell "Legendary" earrings?????
The answer, of course, is YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These, of course, are in honor of me, Pippi.

OK, XIAOWEI, DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO BLOOMINGDALES??????
I hope the answer is yes because I am already there. Actually, I'm in the central control room in my office. To find me, just go to the floor with all the fur coats and ask one of the furriers to dial my extension:
1-800-pippi-has-a-secret-office-among-the-furs

C U SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DELAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Pippi Bares Her Personals!!!!!!!!

On Pippi Picks, I almost never post things that I actually own. This brings a cold, hard wall between us, readers!!!!!!!!! My soul is as mysterious as Coco's luscious ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You cry at night because you want to be close to me BUT I PUSH YOU AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The time has come for me to share my personals with you!!!!!!!!!!

CONFESSION!!!!!!!!!!
This is a dress I own and wear!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can't tell from the photo but it is NEON yellow. You also can't tell in the photo that the dress I own was FREE, GIVEN TO ME BY THE GRACE OF THE LORD AND ALSO BY A GIFT THAT I RETURNED AT TERRIFYING BLOOMINGDALES!!!!!!

Ok, that was enough personal sharing for today, I'm exhausted.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Da-Doing

Guys -
This week you need to wear these jeans:Splatter pants!
All the colors of the nation!
The Olympic spirit of peace!!!!!!!!!
The hope of a generation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Splatter butt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clam party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: Wear them with these shoes - DA-DUH:::
DA-DOING!!!!!!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Nice Shawts

Shawts!

Nice little shawts, little lady!
You can't tell in this photo, but this lady is one of Pippi Picks' Tattooed Models! I couldn't see clearly, but I assume her tattoo says, "Pippi has a beautiful butt and is very sophisticated."
This week I've been doing what I do best: Drinking pepper bombs, getting other people to drink pepper bombs, and enjoying my unemployment.

Next action item: Call Clamato factory and ask for job as tester.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Pippi Picks Mamma Mia

Have you seen Mamma Mia?????//
It's un-flucking-bereivable!!!!!!! It's so zucking good!!!!!!!!
I laughed!!!!!!
I clapped!!!!!!!
I threw my shoes!!!!!!!!!!

Below is a video clip of one of the special moments in the movie - when Meryl and Pierce sing passionately to each other. You should watch the whole clip but YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR THE 46-SECOND-MARK WHEN PIERCE SUDDENLY SCREAMS, "WHEN YOU'RE GONNNE!!" TO MERYL.
THAT SCREAM IS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS IN CINEMA HISTORY AND MY LIFE.

Here is a list of my favorite movies of all time:
1. Jackass 2
2. Jackass 1
3. Kill Bill 1 (especially the scene when Uma kills all 88 Crazy 88s)
4. The Real Cancun
5. Iron Man
6. Gigli (especially the scene when J. Lo does yoga)
7. Mamma Mia

See that? Although I liked Gigli better, Mamma Mia is posting a solid seventh place right now, which is a big deal.
A lot of the credit for this honor goes to Pierce Brosnan's anguished scream in the scene above.