SHHH... YOU KNOW ME...

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.JUST PUT IT ON:<3

Hurricane Watch: IS COCO OK??????

It's the end of the world here in NYC.
AND IF I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED BY A HURRICANE, I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED WITHOUT PANTS ON!!I MEAN, I'M STILL GOING TO WEAR A TIE.

But I'm not happy about it.

THIS IS WHAT TUXEDO LEOTARDS ARE FOR: DIGNITY!

When the street floods, I'll be like, "ZZZZZ! I'm not wearing pants anyway, you assholes. Take my pants!"

BUT DON'T TAKE MY SUNGLASSES WITH ATTACHED GOLDEN EYEBROWS, YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!YOU. ASSHOLES!!!!!

You KNOW I can't see without my eyebrow glasses!!!!!!!Mayor's talking allllllllllllll about this hurricane, but NOT ONCE has he said, "Is COCO safe, fer chrissake???"

Wait - is Coco safe? Cabos...First day here,7 more days to go.Yah!"

Thank cog - she's fine. She's in Cabo.

She tweeted: "The sound of the waves while I bake is nice."

Ok, I feel better now. If Coco's safe, Sol Good.

Sorry for Partying

SORRY!

Horse Shoes

And speaking of Shortpants the Horse:

Loyal reader CHLOE just alerted me to some important news (by way of The Hairpin):

Horse shoes:
Yes. Shoes. That are hoofs. For you, a human, and not for your horse.Fuck you, my horse!
I get the hoofs, now.
I'm done with your hoofie hoarding.

Canceled Show on TLC: Hoof Hoarders.

Shortspants, the Name of a British Horse?

A poem:

One side shorts
One side pants
Shortspants, shortspants
Shortspants dance.

Pippi Picks a Feather Crown

For job interviews:

Feather crown!Interviewer: "What are some of your strengths and weaknesses?"
YOu: "Strength? My feather crown. Weakness? My incontinence."
Interviewer: HIRED. EASY.
YOU: Let's be best friends.
Interviewer: Haw shoo.
You: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I Heart French Kissing

For Xmas, I got an Xtreme cold and have not been outside since New Year's Eve.

There's one fashion advisement that none of the mags are addressing: "Best Outfits for 2011 for When You Have Not Been Outside in 5 Days??" "Kick Off 2011 RIGHT by Refusing to go Outside for AT LEAST 5 DAYS." "2011 CLEANSE: Cleanse Yourself of All Sun, Activities, and Friends this New Year."

I am about to walk around the corner to the library to see if I can get snapped by paps for a "Stars or Pippi Without Makeup" expose like they are always doing to my Persecuted Panda:People think that being really sick is a bad time for romance, but I think that a snot-face means that you should really pump up the volume. I'm going to lure the paps with something like this:
And if they're from America and don't know what that is, I'll rip off that shirt to reveal this shirt:And if they STILL don't jump on my snot train, I'll get angrier and try this shirt:Unless, of course, I don't just go out in my "default" outfit, which Vicky Secret has named "Sexy Little Santa:"
"HEY PAPS! IT'S ME, SEXY LITTLE SANTA. I'M ONE SICK SANTA. LITERALLY SICK. REALLY SICK. I'M A BAD GIRL. I FEEL BAD, GIRL. I ATE A SOUP. DICK SOUP. I'M SOOOO NAAASSTY. MY BOOBS ARE COVERED IN GERMS. WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND HAND ME SOME KLEENEX? THANKS. OK. LET'S GO TO A HOTEL. SO I CAN SLEEP AND WATCH DOCUMENTARIES. CAN I COUGH ON YOUR BUTT? THANXXX."

Game over.

NYE Do-Over

Hold on, hold on!!

SCRATCH what I said before about what you should wear on New Year's Eve!
THIS is what you should wear on NYE:
And cut your head off so you look like this mannequin.
No! Unsafe!! Unsanitary!!! Sad!!!
OMG!!! How will this mannequin french at midnight????

Friends, I hope you french 20 strangers this NYE!
May your love be as pure as the love between Panda Anderson and Kid Rock:What a special Panda!!!

Plan Ahead for NYE

I'm not really sure what this is, but I think you should wear it on New Year's Eve:You can wear it with your clogs so everyone will hear you walking around!
Clop, clop, clop!
"Here's comes a pants-less horse!!" they'll yell.

You can yell, "NEIGH!" or "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" or whatever you want.

And you can top it all off with a classic New Year's Hat!
Wear two hats: Your indoor hat......and your outside hat:Lookin' fine.

How to Fuck with Your Kids

If your kids want a dog but you don't want a dog......get them these shoes instead:

Your dumbass kids won't even know the difference. You'll be like, "Did you walk the dog today?" and they'll be like, "Yeah. He peed."
That's when you'll realize that your kids have really pulled a fast one.
"We taught this dog to sit," they'll say, or "I'm taking the dog in for show and tell."

When they turn 21, you can sit them down and say, "You know how our dog has lived much longer and with fewer health problems than your friends' childhood dogs?" and they'll say, "Yeah..." That's when you can say, "Honeys, I got you a shoe for a pet as a child," and they'll say, "I freakin' love you, mom. You knew just what to do."

A few days later, they'll come back to you to ask: "What were we doing at the vet all those times?" and that's when you'll drop the real bomb:
"Your father is a cat."

Greg Picks Teva Stilettos

My friend, GREG, has found the perfect holiday shoe for you: TEVA STILETTOS:I can't.... I mean...
I mean, there's really only one appropriate thing to say about these Tevas:
"I'LL TAKE ONE IN EACH COLOR, PLEASE!!"
Props to Greg and The Consumerist for knowing a good thing when they saw it.

Also, props to The Gloss for tackling the most important holiday instruction list, "7 Places to Wear Your Teva Stilettos."
Here's Pippi's list of "7 Days You Should Wear Your Teva Stilettos:"

1. Monday
2. Tuesday
3. Wednesday
4. Thursday
5. Friday
6. Saturday
7. Sunday

AND Pippi's list of "7 Places to Wear Your Teva Stilettos:"

1. EVERYWHERE!!!!
2. EVERYWHERE!!!!
3. EVERYWHERE!!!!
4. EVERYWHERE!!!!
5. EVERYWHERE!!!!
6. EVERYWHERE!!!!
7. EVERYWHERE!!!!

You know what to do.

Bona Drag Picks Druid Hood, Etc

I have just been won over by the Bona Drag Boutique, because there are lots of things there that I don't understand, including:

Arm Chains?Something called a "Druid Hood:"A SEE-THRU WEDDING DRESS!And, best of all, a NO PANTS SITUATION!!!!These buyers have been following my advice carefully, I see.

Heavy Metal

You neck is going to be TIREDD!!!

Pippi Picks Thigh Tattoos

This week, I want you to get a thigh tattoo.
COME oN! Do it!!!! It will be so fun!!!!!

The best thing about thigh tattoos is that people can only see them when you're not wearing pants, which I hope is all the time. A TATTOO FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WEAR PANTS!!! THAT SHOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOU!!!!

Then you'll be part of a special no-pants crowd. Thigh tattoos are especially great for:

SWIMSUIT MODELS!! YESS!! They NEVER have to wear pants. In fact, they CAN'T wear pants. PANTS? NO CHANCE.
Just think: YOU'LL LOOK LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE!! She has a thigh tattoo and she looks GREAT.If you have a job where you need to not wear pants, your tattoo will be especially handy. Lady Gaga is the CEO of No Pants and she understands this. She ran right out the door to get a thigh tattoo:You could be the next Lady Gaga, bro!!!
Just take your pants off and get to WORK.

Here's the thigh tattoo that I'm going to get today:AM I TOO LATE??????????
Once a year, my thigh will know just what to say.

Pippi Sez: Good Idea, Bad Name

Oh. That's a good idea: ear plug earrings for your ear holes:The only bad thing about these is that they have a terrible name: "Ladybuds." Sounds wrong. Sounds like something euphemistic somebody might say to a tween to teach her about puberty. Bad name for earrings.

NEW NAME: Ear Stuffers. Double Stuffs. Muff Stuffers? Much better.

'Tis the Season

This is what I'm getting you for Christmas:

ANONYMOUS Picks Golden Shorts

Many thanks to "Anonymous," who wrote a very friendly and nice comment on the last post. What a nice guy, girl, or herm!

"Anon" also came through BIG TIME and picked these fine, golden, frilly shortS:From the front, the shorts are strange.

From the back... the shorts have a see-through mesh panel.From either side, these shorts are $2,680.
WERF. IT.

Nice work, Anonymous!

Pippi Picks Christina Aguilera's Sandwich Ring

At first I was like, "WHAT is THIS?"Then I realized that it's a ring that connects your thumb and index figure.
So that it looks like you are constantly holding a sandwich.

Then I realized: CHRISTINA AGUILERA KNOWS WHAT'S UP!!! CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS WEARING PERMANENT SANDWICH JEWELRY!!
CLICK HERE to buy your own sandwich ring!

Click here to buy your own sandwich!

PLEASE Wear This

Please, PLEASE wear this shirt on your next date:You will LIGHT FIRES with your hotttt boddyyyy.
It also comes in pink:I want one.
Wouldn't life be great if the only clothes in your closet were that green shirt, the pink shirt, and this dress?And maybe a pair of rollerblades.

NP, NS

HOO! If I had this sweater, I'd be SET!I'd go cruising around with NP, NS (No Pants, No Shirt). And big boots:Oh, or maybe these ones, which come with their own hair:

Pippi Finds the Money Shot

I don't know what happened, but today I got obsessed with looking at actors' headshots:WHY?
WHY SO STRANGE?
There's just something... strange.
Sometimes, it's weird because you can hear the person saying, "Mom, my theater teachers love me! I'm going to move to LA!"Sometimes, it's weird because the person is making a face that you have never seen before:Sometimes, it's awkward, because they actor looks skeezy when it seems like they were trying for "sensual:"Sometimes, it feels awkward because it's like the photo is going in for the kiss and you're all like, "I DON'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY!!! WE'RE JUST LAB PARTNERS!!!!"But, sometimes, just sometimes, it all comes together and you get the money shot:OOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!
I would cast him for ANYTHING!!!!!!
I would cast his TURTLENECK if he was unavailable!!!!!!!!