Because Now I Fucking Hate Christmas Again

Everything about breaking up is absolutely horrible but the one upside of this interfaith breakup is that now I can return to my previous Jewish ways* of hating Christmas and being a militant bitch during the holidays.

Didn't you miss my Grinchy ways? Weren't you sad these last years when I had an agreeable smile come December rather than a militant frown? Don't worry, friends, that militant frown is back and this time I know what to wear with it!

The Grinch has a great time, right???? 

I mean.... right?????

Am I right ladies?????????

.....

So, I suppose if you want to go full grinch, you could wear a costume like this but that seems like a real cop out

Especially when you could wear this without commentary:

Or this, for chrissake:

AM I RIGHT, LADIES???????

SERIOUSLY, AM I RIGHT HERE?????

 WHAT DOES A GRINCH HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE TO GET A DAMN TURKEY DELIVERED TO HER HOUSE??

HOW COME THERE IS NO LIKE SPIRAL HAM OR WASSAIL DELIVERED TO JEWS??? OH, BECAUSE IT'S LIKE TOTALLY NOT PART OF OUR TRADITION? OK, THAT MAKES SENSE. ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT I HAVE TO DATE A CHRISTIAN TO GET IN ON THIS PARTY?? OH, I DO BECAUSE OF CHRISTIAN HEGEMONY??? WELL, THAT SUCKS. OK, I'M GOING TO GO HAVE SOME CEREAL NOW.

 Grinch is back, ladies, call me.

*Note: not all Jews are militant bitches - I just wish more of them were! Ladies, if you are a militant Jewish bitch, CALL ME, let's go hang out! We can spray on things, like cats! And we'll be like, "As if the heteropatriarchy wasn't bad enough - now I have to oppressed by Christian hegemony the only relief being in a hetero thing with a Christian guy is society for real??" and then we'll be like, "I love you. Why did your parents name you Rhonda? Yeah, I don't know why mine named me Pippi, they're just funny and stuff. Yeah, me too. You want more of this vodka? Yeah, me neither I am going to throw up in about 10 min. I'm so glad you guys came over, I also can't believe we've been wearing the same clothes for like 64 hours. Ok, let's try to steal some bikes and like sprain something."

Pippi Picks The Windmill Club

As you know, here at Pippi Picks we talk a lot of shit but don't get a lot done.
MEANWHILE, various friends of mine like to do things like "projects," "starting companies," and other tomfoolery. One of these friends, the funny and levelheaded KEVIN, has started his own fashion line (!). ! It is called The Windmill Club and his target market is men who are kind of slutty, drink a lot, and don't wear pants. Wait - that's my target market. Sorry, Kev-o.

To get started, he has made a line of beautiful ties! Yes, ties! To keep necks on!Unfortunately, he plucked my loyal companion, (AKA my boyfrieeeenndd!!!) to be one of his fashion models! Now the company is doomed!

Can you spot my boyxxxfriend in the video? Hint: He is the one wearing this tie: and this tie:and, like Carmen Sandiego, he is in a car flying a green, black, and yellow flag.

Here is a video of men in ties:

Windmill Club AW 2009 from Buffalo Picture House on Vimeo.

NOW GET OFF YOUR DAMN DUFFS AND GO BUY KEVIN'S TIES!!!

Click here to join "the club."

I WAS IN MIAMI, BITCH!!!!

OBVIOUSLY, I spent Thanksgiving ON SOUTH BEACH which was one of the greatest moves of all time.
I enjoyed all of the Thanksgiving classics: Cuban coffee! Beer! Chorizo and eggs! And I bought my very own t-shirt that says, "I'M IN MIAMI BITCH!" in rainbow letters.

A THANKSGIVING TRIUMPH!!

My Sir and I promised one another that no matter how drunk we got, we would not allow each other to get terrible tattoos. Just in case, though, I decided that if I needed a tattoo idea at-the-ready, my first choice would be to have a tattoo of a DELICIOUS GREEN PEA!

PIPPI (on the beach): PEAS ARE DELICIOUS! I will always love peas, so I will never be sad about my pea tattoo.
SIR: Pippi, don't get a tattoo on Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZ.
SIR: Phew, she's asleep. Now I can sneak off and get a tattoo of her face on my face.
[16 hours later]
SIR: Pippi, wake up! Look how much I care.
PIPPI: OMG! You look fantastique!!! Happy Thanksgiving. You were an ok boyfriend but the only way to prove you care is to tattoo my face on your whole face and now you are, like, a really good boyfriend.
SIR: OMG, Happy Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!

Here's some good advice from Cosmo magazine: If your boyfriend doesn't get a face tattoo, he doesn't love you!!!

Other Cosmo advice: If your boyfriend doesn't hire a plane to write, "OMG, GURLFRIEND, U R SOOO HOT!!" he doesn't love you!!!!!

OMG, my boyfriend did not do that. OMG!!! I have to C him L8ter!!!!! THat is super bad.

MEANWHILE, Now we're back and although I have no pea tattoo, I think this pea necklace is a tame alternative: Plus, it looks kind of like a bizarro vag with 6 clits.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

The East Village Changes A Man

Big news at Pippi Picks Studios (PPS): Myself and Boyflame have moved homes and now live in a NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, the newfangled EAST VILLAGE.

LOOK, GUYS, a lot of things have changed around here. Now that I live in the East Village, I'M much BETTER LOOKING and I know I've never felt this before, but NOW WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND DESIGN LEATHERGOODS, AKA what I'm going to do is web design for an ad agency until it's time to have a kid.

Also, as soon as we moved, things have really changed for BOYF and I:

WE'VE STARTED WEARING LEATHER SHORTS all the time:
AND WE'VE STOPPED WEARING LACES:
AND WE DON'T NEED THEM, BUT WE BOTH GOT EYEGLASSES:AND SPIKEY JEWELS:AND WE'VE BEEN COVERING OUR FACES WITH BIG DOTS, AND SOMETIMES WOLVES:


LOOK, GUYS, YOU JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE HERE IN THE VILLAGE.

WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

In her comment on the last post, Hanno raised a good point: WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

This is a question that speaks to my own life because last night, WITHOUT WARNING, my boyflea's mom MAILED US A SODASTREAM SELTZER MAKER!!!!IT SITS ON OUR COUNTER AND CARBONATES THINGS ALL DAY LONG!!!!! It's hard to explain why fizzy water is so much more magical and delicious than regular water, but I think the French understand. You can ask them and they'll probably tell you to bouef or something.

In a hasty move, after I discovered the fizzy gift we had received, I called my #1 boyfriend's parents' house and when his dad answered we had the following conversation:

DAD: You've never called this number before...
PIPPI: I'M CALLING BECAUSE TODAY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED!!
DAD: [Disturbed silence]
PIPPI: YOU SENT A SODA MACHINE IN THE MAIL!!!!
DAD: Huh?
PIPPI: HUH?
DAD: I thought you were calling to tell me you're pregnant.
PIPPI: I THINK THAT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING.

Now, MIND YOU, this particular Dad is of the cowboy variety, one who famously speaks softly and reserves his zingers for only the inner circle, adding to the mystique of such classic lines as, "Well, I don't know about that," and "Hug it out, bitch."

BECAUSE OF THIS, yelling about soda to him, and inciting a false pregnancy scare was exponentially more delightful than had I called to yell about soda and pregnancy scare some other guy, and for this I think yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

In honor of Sawbones and the stress I put his through, I suggest we all wear chaps when carbonating things:I anticipate these chaps would get a major mustache twitch (high disdain).

Confuse Your Suitors!

Confuse your suitors!

Wear this double-ring on your fist to show the dudes and ladies that you're SINGLE and ready to DANGLE:
Then when they move in to grab your boob or ball, punch them in the face with your other hand:
Then hit them with your third hand that says "POLYAMOROUS."
Won't THAT throw them for a spin?

Question: How come they don't make rings that say, "COMMITTED, BUT NON-MONOGAMOUS?"
Answer: Not enough fingers.

How to Get Laid: The Ultimate Striptease

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Honey Baked Ma'am

Tomorrow I want you to go online and buy 8 of these flower rings, one for each of your 8 "good" fingers:
$5! Now that's less expensive than a Honey Baked Ham!

By the way, I almost got my Boy-flower a Honey Baked Ham for his birthday but I had to turn back. I measured our refrig and it wouldn't fit.
CHRIS: Couldn't you just have gotten me some ham or a smaller ham?
PIPPI: No. A whole ham or no ham.

Instead, I got him a bat necklace! DAMN!!!!!!
Now I am suddenly realizing what I should have done - I should have tied a chain around a ham and made him wear it!!!!!!!!!!! Best of both gifts!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid!!!!!!!!! Stupid!!!!!!!

Pippi Picks Bunniezz

Man, I could have sworn I already insisted that you wear these magnificent bunny shoes but now I can't remember.
PIPPI: Did I already post these?
BOYFRIEND: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
PIPPI: [Whispering] Are you awake?
BOYFRIEND: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
PIPPI: Are you asleep?
BOYFRIEND: Zzzzzzzzzzz
PIPPI: [Dumps pudding on B's head]
BOYFRIEND: Glarg!
PIPPI: Thank blarg you're up -This is really important - I can't remember if I already posted a picture of these bunny-flavored shoes on my magnificent blog.
B: Those? Hmmm. No, I think you just talked about it.
P: You talk too much. Go back to sleep.
Jonah, I know it's too little, too late for your halloween gear but remember: EVERY DAY'S THE FOURTEENTH!!!!!!!!!

Pippi Picks EverythingWolf.com

It is my boyfriend's birthday on Friday and I have narrowed his birthday present down to the following things:

Thing 1: This promising tank (perfect for showing off his fantastic pits):
Thing 2: A wolf shirt.
The copy for the shirt above reads: "The print is realistic and sure to impress anyone who likes wolves."

For your own good, please go to http://www.everythingwolf.com/.

Pippi Picks a Friend

I have received some complaints that I have only been offering my divine guidance to sluts and leaving dicks out in the cold. Wipe your balls on this towel!! Eat a tasty cake! I have picked some shit just for you, mens!!!!

You should know by now that I (Pippi) have excellent taste in ALL THINGS including what you should wear and how often you should party with Panda Anderson (Answer: All days). Meanwhile, my #1 pick in the game of love has come to visit. This A+ Sir is none other than my friend with benefits (#1 benefit is 3-year relationship) who has appeared in a cloud of perfume and diamonds. This man has the punctuality of a fine wine, the instincts of a fierce owl, and the ass of an angel. He is the new Pippi Picks Muse of 2006/07 AKA Slut of WebSpace "The Swim Suit Edition."

To show my inspiration, I have picked out some clothes just for him:
First, I would like him to wear this chunky sweater:
Later, when we go to the theater, he can wear this fancy frock:
Of course, this high-maintenance honey needs me to keep him in furs and horses... and to beautify the well-appointed home I will purchase for him, I have picked out these sneaky prints: This will remind him that he only has all of his furs and jewels because of the money I make playing basketball.Yes, readers, there is a big announcement: A new voice has come to PippiPicks. Starting today, you can submit your fashion queries to Pippi's Boyfriend, too. "Ask Pippi's Boyfriend" will be an occasional column on this A+ blog.
WHAT, OH WHAT, WILL HIS ANSWERS BE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
CRAP????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO????????//
WHY HAS HE COME HERE?????????/
WHY IS HE RUINING EVERYIGTHIOJIO------------ ok. all's well again.