Xiaowei, a loyal Pippi Picks reader, recently requested that I take her on a shopping trip to Bloomingdales. Here is my answer:
Xiaowei, of course I will take you to Bloomingdales. I will take you anytime day or night, even if the store is closed.
To emotionally prepare, I would like to run you through a practice trip so you can get a feel for what you are getting yourself into.
The first thing we're going to do on our shopping trip is slam about 20
Pepper Bombs. Then I'll make you take shots of Crystal Palace to steady your nerves. Then I'll make you change into a bikini and take your shoes off so you'll be ready to try clothes on without any delay.
As soon as we get past security and storm through that weird Purse Hallway, I'm going to start screaming, "LEATHER, XIAOWEI! IT'S ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!!!!!!" and make you buy this big leather dress:
Then I'll say, "THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER!!!!! I'M TALKING ANIMAL PELTS!!! I'M TALKING GRADE-A PELTS, XIAOWEI!!!" I'm going to keep piling leather jackets on over the dress until you collapse under the weight and agree to buy this one:
Then you'll be sweating a lot so we'll have to sit on the couches in the bathroom and drink more
Pepper Bombs to cool off. That's when we will get into an altercation with some fancy mother-daughter shopping teams out looking for cocktail dresses.
BRUISED, BLEEDING, but REVIVED, we will go to the ladiezzz floor and that's where I'm going to talk you into buying an all-mustard wardrobe including this frilly shirt and fluffy dress:
MUSTARD IS THE COLOR OF MONEY!!!!! and the color of a delicious condiment and makes any women look delicious, acidic, and wealthy - ALL FINE TRAITS.
To keep you looking like an ANIMAL, though, I will also insist that you buy some animal shoes, by yelling, "MEOW!!!!!! HISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!" all through the Hall of Shoes.
At some point, I will probably convince you to buy a fancy romper. This one I especially like because it is difficult to pee in:
On the way out, of course, I will force you to buy a gold dress because THIS SEASON IS ALL ABOUT ANIMALS COVERED IN MUSTARD, XIAOWEI, AND NOTHING CAPTURES THAT BETTER THAN A WOMAN DRAPED IN PRECIOUS GOLD!!!!!!!!!
Then you'll probably remind me that I've forgotten to answer your original question: Does Bloomies really sell "Legendary" earrings?????
The answer, of course, is YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These, of course, are in honor of me, Pippi.
OK, XIAOWEI, DO YOU STILL WANT ME TO TAKE YOU TO BLOOMINGDALES??????
I hope the answer is yes because I am already there. Actually, I'm in the central control room in my office. To find me, just go to the floor with all the fur coats and ask one of the furriers to dial my extension:
1-800-pippi-has-a-secret-office-among-the-furs
C U SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T DELAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!
As the French would say: "HANK merci vin tartine pom poulet poulet!!!!!! POULET, HANK! POULET!!!!!!!!!!"
