Hurricane Watch: IS COCO OK??????

It's the end of the world here in NYC.
AND IF I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED BY A HURRICANE, I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED WITHOUT PANTS ON!!I MEAN, I'M STILL GOING TO WEAR A TIE.

But I'm not happy about it.

THIS IS WHAT TUXEDO LEOTARDS ARE FOR: DIGNITY!

When the street floods, I'll be like, "ZZZZZ! I'm not wearing pants anyway, you assholes. Take my pants!"

BUT DON'T TAKE MY SUNGLASSES WITH ATTACHED GOLDEN EYEBROWS, YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!YOU. ASSHOLES!!!!!

You KNOW I can't see without my eyebrow glasses!!!!!!!Mayor's talking allllllllllllll about this hurricane, but NOT ONCE has he said, "Is COCO safe, fer chrissake???"

Wait - is Coco safe? Cabos...First day here,7 more days to go.Yah!"

Thank cog - she's fine. She's in Cabo.

She tweeted: "The sound of the waves while I bake is nice."

Ok, I feel better now. If Coco's safe, Sol Good.

Sorry for Partying

SORRY!

Horse Shoes

And speaking of Shortpants the Horse:

Loyal reader CHLOE just alerted me to some important news (by way of The Hairpin):

Horse shoes:
Yes. Shoes. That are hoofs. For you, a human, and not for your horse.Fuck you, my horse!
I get the hoofs, now.
I'm done with your hoofie hoarding.

Canceled Show on TLC: Hoof Hoarders.

Shortspants, the Name of a British Horse?

A poem:

One side shorts
One side pants
Shortspants, shortspants
Shortspants dance.

Pippi Picks a Feather Crown

For job interviews:

Feather crown!Interviewer: "What are some of your strengths and weaknesses?"
YOu: "Strength? My feather crown. Weakness? My incontinence."
Interviewer: HIRED. EASY.
YOU: Let's be best friends.
Interviewer: Haw shoo.
You: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I Heart French Kissing

For Xmas, I got an Xtreme cold and have not been outside since New Year's Eve.

There's one fashion advisement that none of the mags are addressing: "Best Outfits for 2011 for When You Have Not Been Outside in 5 Days??" "Kick Off 2011 RIGHT by Refusing to go Outside for AT LEAST 5 DAYS." "2011 CLEANSE: Cleanse Yourself of All Sun, Activities, and Friends this New Year."

I am about to walk around the corner to the library to see if I can get snapped by paps for a "Stars or Pippi Without Makeup" expose like they are always doing to my Persecuted Panda:People think that being really sick is a bad time for romance, but I think that a snot-face means that you should really pump up the volume. I'm going to lure the paps with something like this:
And if they're from America and don't know what that is, I'll rip off that shirt to reveal this shirt:And if they STILL don't jump on my snot train, I'll get angrier and try this shirt:Unless, of course, I don't just go out in my "default" outfit, which Vicky Secret has named "Sexy Little Santa:"
"HEY PAPS! IT'S ME, SEXY LITTLE SANTA. I'M ONE SICK SANTA. LITERALLY SICK. REALLY SICK. I'M A BAD GIRL. I FEEL BAD, GIRL. I ATE A SOUP. DICK SOUP. I'M SOOOO NAAASSTY. MY BOOBS ARE COVERED IN GERMS. WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND HAND ME SOME KLEENEX? THANKS. OK. LET'S GO TO A HOTEL. SO I CAN SLEEP AND WATCH DOCUMENTARIES. CAN I COUGH ON YOUR BUTT? THANXXX."

Game over.