USA 4 EVR

In their comments on my last post, my readers asked for two bits of advice:

1. What should one wear to show that he is a patriotic and cool American who has just returned from Europe?

2. What should one wear to attract Wyoming hotties that will not attract Wyoming bears?

ANSWER:

Frankly, I think your queries can be combined.

Duh. Patriotic tattoos.

Mayhaps you could get tattoos of American landmarks to show that you are a sexy and tough American:

EVEN BETTER, YOU COULD GET THIS TATTOO AND SHOW THAT YOU JUST "GET IT:"
If you are too much of a traitor pussy to go through with this, go back to France where you belong. I hope bears eat you while you're there.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Pippi Gets Back on the Grid

Dear Fans and Friends,
For the past month I've been off the grid which has caused PANIC and PANDEMONIUM for every Joe Fashion and Susie Sweatsuit. Fans everywhere have emailed me to report that they've been sitting in front of their computers crying and vomiting on themselves waiting for my online return.

Don't worry, tender ones! I've returned from the woods and I'm ready to dress you!

To celebrate my return, I think you should wear this green frock with golden animals on it:
The day after the party, we should go to the beach together and you should shock and stun by wearing this sea green caftan with very silver shoes:ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE???
ARE YOU READY TO MAKE A SPLASH??
ARE YOU READY TO LIFT SOME WEIGHTS???
ARE YOU READY TO KNOW TRUE LUV???????
U R????
NIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Pippi

Pippi Picks Oriental Trading Company

Oriental Trading Company is BRILLIANT. Know why? Because they really know how to soothe me.
I mean, some days I find myself saying, "NOTHING WILL CALM ME BUT A GROSS OF JELLY BRACELETS!!!!!!"
A GROSS! Were you aware that you can get 144 jellies for $5?

Not only that, you and I can finally live out our dream OF COVERING OUR ARMS AND LEGS WITH SLAP BRACELETS.
Holy something!
Bring me my whiskey and snuff! Thatsa deal!

Pippi Picks Shades for You and Hamwich

It's slexy summer time and to celebrate I want you to wear sunglasses every day. OF YOUR LIFE.
To make it easier, these come in a range of tantalizing colors including "Clear."

Of course, whenever I buy sunglasses I break them within 10 minutes. That's why I never buy sunglasses that cost more than $10. That way, I pay around a dollar a minute for my shades. That seems like a fair price.

Most of the sunglonks on Fantas-eyes.com are under $20. That means that for the price of a very overpriced taco you can:
Wear sunglasses with a built-in striped unibrow:
Wear sunglasses with a distracting rhinestone strip on the lens:Protect your eyes! Every day FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. EVEN WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING. EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN A DARK CLOSET WITH A SPECIAL FRIEND, HAMWICH. MAKE HAMWICH WEAR SHADES, TOO.

SHISTERY?

I don't really know what's going on here:
This daring yellow rope will show the world that you don't care about anything, not even keeping your shoes attached to your feet.

Meanwhile, while others are helping the elderly and excitedly calling each other about the facinating article in the most recent issue of Daedalus, I just spent about 40 minutes trying to read the words on the footbed of this shoe.

Possibilities:
1. LIUEF
2. MNN
3. PA MIE
4. MIN

READERS: What do you think these words mean? What are they telling us?
Here is my best guess. I'm going to use each word in a sentence:

"I LIEUFED my double MNN and then the PA MIE went MIN on me."

ALSO: For the record, there are flowers and a girl printed on the shoe as well. Clues?

Pippi vs Ladies: Pippi Wins

You know how for a while all those little ladies were wearing those huge chain necklaces?
They kept getting bigger and bigger, right?
I'm going to one up them so hard:Next mission: Find sunglasses with lenses bigger than my head.

Jean Shorts

What I really want right now are tiny, tiny, white jean shorts:

I want my ass to hang out the bottom.
Ideally, I would wear nothing else. If guests come over, though, I'll slip into something more comfortable:
Question: Is it possible to be TOO beautiful? I think I may be having that problem.

Grocery Shox!!

Look! These are grocery bags!
Don't these make grocery shopping seem...thrilling?
You could play catch with fruits and vongetables.
Vongetables is French for "lettuces."
Oui!

Why Didn't I Own This During My Raver Days?

Holy shit. This nail polish and lip gloss go on clear and show up UNDER BLACKLIGHTS.
Do you understand the importance of this product??
Finally, nail polish that matches your blacklight tattoo!
Finally, lip gloss appropriate for a rave!
I am so happy.
I can't explain these feelings I have inside.

Put a Hat on Your Tits

When you wear this out and people ask what it is say, "IT'S A TIT HAT!"
Then hold out your hand and say, "KISS MY RING!!!!!!!"
This bitch is not impressed:

She's wearing something that the website calls a "Monkey Shirt."

The Worst Movie of All Time is Revealed

I know, I know. I'm always trying to get you to wear squishy sacks.
HOWEVER, don't you want to put this on RIGHT NOW?

C'mon, right? Then you can be all like, "Bring me my squishy hat" and "I'm going to go lie down in this hammock now, thank you" and "'My Boss' Daughter,' starring Tara Reid and Ashton Kutcher, WAS THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, EVEN WORSE THAN THE RACIST TRAIN WRECK 'BRINGIN' DOWN DA HOUSE.'"
I'll drink to that, mmm.

Golden Bags

Have you ever gone to a Thai restaurant and ordered "Golden Bags?"
This is the apparel equivalent:
Main differences:
Golden Bags are about $4. This golden bag is $2,315.
HOWEVER, they are both fried and they both can be enjoyed with friends.
Don't enjoy them TOO much. You might get burned.
Burned?
Hmm.
You might get... full of bags.

I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question: Why is this bride smiling?
BECAUSE SHE JUST BOUGHT HER WEDDING DRESS AT TARGET, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE CAN BUY AT TARGET???
THIS $3,000 RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE CAN BUY AT TARGET?
2 EARRINGS FOR $8!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE CAN BUY AT TARGET?
THIS $20 BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU, WORLD!!!!!!!!
I BOUGHT MY WEDDING AT TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!
I BOUGHT MY CAR AT TARGET!!!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO MED SCHOOL AT TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!
THESE TRISCUITS ARE FROM TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M OPENING A TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRIDAL-THEMED TARGET PARTY!!!!!!!!!!
Go to!

I do, Target! U do too? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. Let's go have a hot dog. Yes, they're kosher. DO you want mustard on yours? No? That's ok. How much for this gazebo? $340? Throw it in the cart.

I Know Someone Who Tried Catfood Once and Said it was "Fine."

This shirt has fake chains on it:
I like my shirts like I like my men: Kind of dumb.

Show Your Gams

It's really June now and it's about to be that time of year when I start strategizing about how little I can wear and still be considered dressed. Having to wear clothes in the summer is cruel and unusual.
Luckily, it is totally legit to wear a dress. Dresses are like being fake-dressed: You can wave your sweaty pits around, air out your rack, and flash your fine, fine gams.

I think this dress is a good example of what I'm talking about:
Look how high up on her thighs it is! Would you say she was not dressed, though? No. You would say she was wearing a dress. Then you would say, "Is that her real hair or a wig?" Then you would start to feel annoyed that you were wearing pants in 90-degree weather while she got to wave her gams around.

Meanwhile: This dress is
A. Purdy
B. A bra with extra cloth. Perfect!
This last dress is upsetting me:
I am weirdly drawn to it but it is so... ugly. Also, it has an upsetting neck brace thing. No matter, though.
That's what summer's all about, right? Gams, Rack, and Ugly.
Ooh. That's what my band is going to called.

I Would Dump My Boyfriend for this Necklace

If you are single, I have the perfect outfit for you to use to pick up A+ babes.

First, you should find a dinner party being held by a friend who conspicuously didn't invite you because you "are a lush, try to show everyone your nipple rings, and wear perfume that smells like ass sweat."
Then you should wear this necklace:

And this bracelet:First, lock eyes with the person you want to bag. If the host took you into the kitchen and said, "If you are going to stay, please, for the love of cod, don't hit on my friend _____," you should be sure the pick that person.

Next you should point at your necklace and nod meaningfully. Then you should mouth, "Available." Then you should say, loudly, "AVAILABLE."
Then you should wave your bracelet in the air and say, "Let's make love, my darling." If that doesn't work, pretend to look at your watch. Then say, "Time for a rim job!" That will work.

See? Now you've bagged a fox.

Pippi Picks Your Ties

Wearing a tie made of cotton jersey is kind of brilliant. When you dip your shit in your soup you can say, "OHH HELLBALLS" and then just throw your tie in the washing machine. These are on sale for 20 clams:
While you're at it, you should probably throw me in the washer, too, because I am working on a good stink right now.
Also, the teal tie is clearly my favorite, but you can wear the white one if you get in a bind. You can wear the green one if you get in the army.

This Napkin Holder Cost More Than My Implants

Dear person unironically considering buying this $137 crystal napkin holder,
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

Bag w/Mystery Print

Hi, Friends.
I am back from the wedding/funeral/circle of life extravaganza and am back in your humble service.
In a post-funeral haze, I recommend this bag that has a mysterious print on it:
Just like me, Sir Pippi, it is both cute and slightly melancholy!

A Fashion Puzzler!

Readers:
I apologize for this impolite delay in my fashion advice. I know that my words of fashion wisdom are like water in the desert: NECESSARY FOR BASIC SURVIVAL.
Readers, even I, Pippi, am currently embroiled in a fashion puzzler.
FRIENDS! COUNTRYFRIENDS! Today I turn to you!
This weekend, I have to attend the following events one right after the other:
1. Work in my cubicle
2. A bachelor party
3. A job interview
4. An elementary school's production of "Shrek"
5. A wedding
6. A funeral
7. 2 long train rides

QUESTION: What outfit can I wear in all seven situations???
My criteria is this: I don't want to have to change my clothes at any point.
ANSWER: I should give up immediately, drink seven beers, and then put on these disturbing shorts:
IN ADDITION, I should wear this ill-fitting shirt
Lastly, I should wear this ghostly necklace:Over the course of the weekend, I think I will avoid showering or brushing my teeth as well. Hopefully, by the time I arrive I the funeral, I will smell and look so terrible that everyone will burst into tears when they see me, thus distracting them from the sad event.
I think this is the perfect plan.

If anyone thinks otherwise, speak quickly! Otherwise, I will go pick out the one pair of underwear that I will commit to from Thursday to Sunday.

Burger & Desserts

Uh oh. Someone has gone inside my head and taken my diary:
The diary shown above is called the "Burger & Desserts Korean Diary" on asiajam.com which is, of course, a Japanese and Korean streetwear site. Besides Burger & Desserts Korean Diary, you can also buy pants like these...
...and dresses like this:

Oh no. My future kids are really in for it. I am CLEARLY going to name them Burger & Desserts.

Sweat-Shoes!

This is a good trick: Some clever fellow figured out a way to wear a 100% sweatsuit: Whoa. This is underlined. Very mysterious. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrry mysterrrrrrrrrrioussssssssssss.
MAD SCIENTIST: WIT RUBBAH, I HAF FOUND A WAY TO RUBBAHIZE MY SWEATSUIT, LEADING TO OUTDOOR SWEAT-SHOES!
SCIENTIST'S DOG: STOP YELLING!
MS: zziii! sorry, tender pet!
SD: Your shoes are very nice, sir.
MS: Loyal Rudolf, you have been with me for, lo, ten years now.
SD: And you have had a crazy accent for 50% of that time.
MS: Exactly.
SD: Exactly.
MS: Now... Behold! It looks like a boot but it is very squishy!
SD: Holy bones! You've done it again! Brilliant!
MS: Thank you, loyal pooch! I will reward you with chewies!
SD: Oh, you.

FIN.

JUST TRY IT

I think we can all agree that your life would be better if you had a full set of gold lame clothing.
I know, I know. I've been pushing the gold lame for a long time and you haven't taken my advice.
You know how some people try to convince you that your life would be perfect if you stopped eating gluten? I don't really care about gluten but I am SURE that gold lame will get you cash and marriage and other things you want. Just TRY it.


I mean, DUH.
You know that book "The Secret?" I know, I haven't read it either. It's totally fucked up, right?
The REAL secret is to cake your ass with GOLD. DUH.

Pippi Larvs You

HI, FRIENDS!

Just for Men

In his last comment, my fine and bed-ridden reader, George, asked me to advise him on the following issue: What should men wear in the boudoir?
Here are two options:

Option #1: Wear a dress.
You can tell your guests that it's a "night shirt." You can also belt it and wear it to a dinner party with a jaunty cap. Feel the spring breeze on your liberated legs! Let your bum know the taste of freedom!
Option #2: Wear a Union Suit.
This will show off your great gams and give you a cozy allure. I think we all know, though, that the butt flap is the real prize pie here. Any item of clothing that lets you poop while dressed is an A+ stitch.
IN CONCLUSION: Get well soon, George! A magical world of masculine jammies awaits!
In honor of you (and the excessive jammie-centric Pippi Picks posting this past month), I name the month of May "American International Jammie Month for Both Bedroom and Home."

Fancy Jammies

You better not pee the bed while you're wearing these fancy jammies:
You'd be like, "Rats. These were 150 bucks. Why didn't I just get my ass up and use the potty?"