Friday, March 9, 2007

Pippi Picks YourTattoo

If you have been drunk with me in the past year, you know that every 20 minutes I try to convince everyone to run out and get blacklight tattoos of girls in leather bikinis on motorcycles making out and holding machine guns. I stand by that recommendation.

I am unfortunately both obsessed with tattoos and Jewish. If I get a tattoo, I really should go whole hog and get a tattoo of a package of bacon beating G-dog at poker.
Meanwhile, here are my picks for your tender tattoo:

Where to Put Your Tattoo:
1. Full sleeves! Hey! I love full sleeves and it is less stupid than having a chunky soup arm with one lone tattoo of a wolf looking at the moon.
2. Along your ribs and side. Like a side hug!

3. On or under your collar bone. My favorite waitress at my favorite bar has "Love will tear us apart" right there and I gave her a big tip for that. Well played, hot waitress.

4. In a secret place, like the outside of your thigh or inside of your lung.

My picks:
1. Blacklight tattoos!

This is genius. Blacklight tattoos only show up under blacklights. All other times they appear (at most) like faded scars. Here is one under a blacklight:

Obviously, you should not get "Lady Luck" on your knuckles and instead should get "Pippi Picks."

Pippi's Life Motto: If you are in a situation where it is appropriate to have a blacklight, it is also appropriate to have a tattoo.

2. Black and gray portraits:

If they're realistic, black and gray portraits look fab-o. You should get my face or your grandma's. Don't get Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas - she's annoying.

3. Pin-Ups

I have become obsessed with Kat Von D from Miami Ink. She loves pin-up tattoos, which has made me start to love them, too. Maybe Kat will sense that I agree with her and will become my friend. Look, here's one of the kickin' pin-ups that she has on her arm:Here is another fab pin-up.Pin-ups are a tricky trick because somehow they are trashy and classy at the same time.

4. Huge Religious Tattoos

For some reason, I kind of love HUGE religious tattoos:See that? See that huge nun? I love her. Who's that guy she's carrying? This person also demonstrates my first advice: More is more. No chunky stinky. Get a whole sack of tattoos so you don't look like a veggie soup after you get your first one.5. Graffiti Dreams
I think you should get a tattoo that looks like you are having a dream and everything is in that saturated graffiti color:

6. Fab Lettering
Sometimes fab lettering is so fab, y'know? Like really scripty script. I advise that you get "Pippi Picks" is script on your face.
7. Hilarious Animals

There is also something hilarious about having a random animal tattoo. "Big cats," bears, sharks, etc. It's only funny, though, if they're huge and in kind of a weird place. The tattoo below isn't funny because it's on his arm. If it was under his armpit, it would be kind of funny. 8. The Ultimate Strategy:

When you are picking a tattoo, the biggest challenge is finding one that you'll always like for ever and ever. How could you know for sure? Here is my clever solution: Instead of trying to pick a tattoo that will always be perfect, pick one that will always be kind of "wrong." That way, it will always be funny. Here is my #1 A+ pick:See? This will be funny when:
1. Your parents see it for the first time,
2. You are a chaperon for your son's third grade class trip to the beach,
3. You are 80 and go into the hospital to meet with your case manager about your diabetes.
A long life of wrong.

Now you may be asking yourself, what would Pippi pick?
Obviously, I would get a portrait of young Madonna on the outside of my thigh and a huge backpiece of girls in leather bikinis on motorcycles making out and holding machine guns. But we've been over this before.


Christopher said...

That last tattoo will also always be funny because the guy will know he had to shave the middle of his back to get it.

Pippi, what do you think about getting a bear cub tattooed on one's chest that would peek out when one wears v-neck shirts? Just wondering.

rosa said...

yeah, when the hair grows back on his back, will that make his tatoo into a picture of a really hairy lady?

RF said...

I get so sick of these comments. Basically they amount to "Yeah, he'll regret it" etc etc.
I've had tattoos for over 25 years and I have no regrets.
It's just a bloody body FFS. Worry about your own lardy ass and leave us alone.
BTW, I really liked this blog entry but gee dude, make sure you don't mark your bod in a way that you may one day regret. ha ha ha ha ha.

Mike Hussey said...

Religious tattoos have unique significance all the time. It is believed to have purity in life by inking the religious tattoos on different parts of the body.