Pippi Picks YourTattoo

If you have been drunk with me in the past year, you know that every 20 minutes I try to convince everyone to run out and get blacklight tattoos of girls in leather bikinis on motorcycles making out and holding machine guns. I stand by that recommendation.

I am unfortunately both obsessed with tattoos and Jewish. If I get a tattoo, I really should go whole hog and get a tattoo of a package of bacon beating G-dog at poker.
Meanwhile, here are my picks for your tender tattoo:

Where to Put Your Tattoo:
1. Full sleeves! Hey! I love full sleeves and it is less stupid than having a chunky soup arm with one lone tattoo of a wolf looking at the moon.
2. Along your ribs and side. Like a side hug!
3. On or under your collar bone. My favorite waitress at my favorite bar has "Love will tear us apart" right there and I gave her a big tip for that. Well played, hot waitress.
4. In a secret place, like the outside of your thigh or inside of your lung.

My picks:
1. Blacklight tattoos!

This is genius. Blacklight tattoos only show up under blacklights. All other times they appear (at most) like faded scars. Here is one under a blacklight:

Obviously, you should not get "Lady Luck" on your knuckles and instead should get "Pippi Picks."

Pippi's Life Motto: If you are in a situation where it is appropriate to have a blacklight, it is also appropriate to have a tattoo.

2. Black and gray portraits:

If they're realistic, black and gray portraits look fab-o. You should get my face or your grandma's. Don't get Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas - she's annoying.

3. Pin-Ups

I have become obsessed with Kat Von D from Miami Ink. She loves pin-up tattoos, which has made me start to love them, too. Maybe Kat will sense that I agree with her and will become my friend. Look, here's one of the kickin' pin-ups that she has on her arm:Here is another fab pin-up.Pin-ups are a tricky trick because somehow they are trashy and classy at the same time.

4. Huge Religious Tattoos

For some reason, I kind of love HUGE religious tattoos:See that? See that huge nun? I love her. Who's that guy she's carrying? This person also demonstrates my first advice: More is more. No chunky stinky. Get a whole sack of tattoos so you don't look like a veggie soup after you get your first one.5. Graffiti Dreams
I think you should get a tattoo that looks like you are having a dream and everything is in that saturated graffiti color:

6. Fab Lettering
Sometimes fab lettering is so fab, y'know? Like really scripty script. I advise that you get "Pippi Picks" is script on your face.7. Hilarious Animals

There is also something hilarious about having a random animal tattoo. "Big cats," bears, sharks, etc. It's only funny, though, if they're huge and in kind of a weird place. The tattoo below isn't funny because it's on his arm. If it was under his armpit, it would be kind of funny. 8. The Ultimate Strategy:

When you are picking a tattoo, the biggest challenge is finding one that you'll always like for ever and ever. How could you know for sure? Here is my clever solution: Instead of trying to pick a tattoo that will always be perfect, pick one that will always be kind of "wrong." That way, it will always be funny. Here is my #1 A+ pick:See? This will be funny when:
1. Your parents see it for the first time,
2. You are a chaperon for your son's third grade class trip to the beach,
3. You are 80 and go into the hospital to meet with your case manager about your diabetes.
A long life of wrong.

Now you may be asking yourself, what would Pippi pick?
Obviously, I would get a portrait of young Madonna on the outside of my thigh and a huge backpiece of girls in leather bikinis on motorcycles making out and holding machine guns. But we've been over this before.