Strange Swimwear

I am sure that by now you've run out and gotten ALL of the tattoos I suggested. Fast work. You look great. Now you need a weird bathing suit to show them off in (these will work for men or women).
My first pick is a fabulous "monokini:"I love these new/old bikinis that have tummy "stuff" in the middle that connect the T to the A. It looks kind of like suspenders for a diaper. Also: What part of the body is it celebrating? The "side part," which never gets as much love as the boobs etc. It's more common to hear "nice ass" than "nice squishy side part! that is the part on your side that is squishy." ok, not squishy for Ahnold, but whatever.
I am intrigued by this crochet thing because I don't know what it is. In the description, this warning stuck out to me: "Not intended to be worn in water"
What do you do with it? Can you imagine going to the beach and crying on your towel because all of your friends were splashing and playing and you had to do Sudoku and eat bananas alone? No water? I suppose you could just wear it to a party and call it a day. What else... you couldn't wear it to go "tanning" because you would come out looking like you'd been tossed on a grill.

In the category of "Retiree Chic" we have this lovely swimdress:I think it's for slutty retirees who are always yelling "HANDJOBS!" instead of "BINGO!" We can all aspire to be slutty retirees one day.

Last but not least we have this... thing. This is for when you are WRECKED and are trying to get around the "no shirt" policy at the 7-Eleven. This is for when you're on vacation with your third husband who is really rich and also kind of insane. He's taken you to some crazy fancy restaurant and you are way too messed up to put pants on. The triangle on your bikini is no longer over your nipple and is now kind of around your neck. You're like, "Dahling, I have a confession."
"What is it, my angel?"
"Ih've been faking my accent."
"Whoa."
"Shhh. Eat your mahi mahi."

Oh no! TSTS (Too Sad, Too Serious). A monokini, a no-water baby, a skank retiree, and a bad marriage riddled with substance abuse and lies. DEAR LORD! What is this world coming to? Why have these swimsuits brought us such misfortune? These suits are like snakes in the grass!