NO PROBLEM!NO GAS?
BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO GRASS?
SOMETIMES A BIG PROBLEM.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Glasses Without Glass
NO GLASS?
NO PROBLEM!
NO GAS?
BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO GRASS?
SOMETIMES A BIG PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM!NO GAS?
BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO GRASS?
SOMETIMES A BIG PROBLEM.
Monday, March 23, 2009
SPRING? S'I DON'T SINK SO!!!!!!!
S'ALMOST SPRING! Don't it make you want t'wear pink high heels?
OH WAIT!!!! NEVERMIND, IT'S -50 DEGREES TODAY IN NYC!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE WEATHERMAN'S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!
PUT YOUR COAT BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH WAIT!!!! NEVERMIND, IT'S -50 DEGREES TODAY IN NYC!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE WEATHERMAN'S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!PUT YOUR COAT BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Pop Picks!
Behind every Pippi, there is a Pop, AKA "a dad," who emails her photos of fashions.
Today! Heed my Pop's Picks and wear a Box Hat:
Perhaps you'd prefer this umbrella skirt:
Huzzah!
Today! Heed my Pop's Picks and wear a Box Hat:
Perhaps you'd prefer this umbrella skirt:Huzzah!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Dressed by Kim Gordon
This week I think you should wear clothes designed by super cutie pie Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth:
She savvily hooked up a collaboration with Urban Outfitters so now you, too, can wear Kim's frocks:
Click here to scope her collection.
Click here to look at pictures of fat cats.
Ahhh. Pictures of fat cats are nature's medicine.
She savvily hooked up a collaboration with Urban Outfitters so now you, too, can wear Kim's frocks:Click here to scope her collection.Click here to look at pictures of fat cats.
Ahhh. Pictures of fat cats are nature's medicine.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Headflower
Oh HELL yes!
I'm going to wear this Headflower to WORK.
PS: Not to intimidate you, but you can buy the headflower at a site called SPACEMERMAID.COM.
PPS: Spacemermaid is also the name of my firstborn son.
PPPS: My second-born is named CornCalender.
I'm going to wear this Headflower to WORK.PS: Not to intimidate you, but you can buy the headflower at a site called SPACEMERMAID.COM.
PPS: Spacemermaid is also the name of my firstborn son.
PPPS: My second-born is named CornCalender.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Slanket vs Snuggie: Slanket Wins
LIZ, who is one of my coworkers, recently discovered Pippi Picks and immediately called me out for featuring a snuggie video as a Pick.
For those who don't know, A SNUGGIE IS A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES.
In case you forget, the official slogan of the Snuggie is "The Blanket with Sleeves!"
Liz confronted me about my pick. "Snuggies are the poor man's Slankets," she explained to me, and that's when I learned the following things about her:
1. Her boyfriend, Seth, gave her the greatest Valentines gift of all, A SLANKET.
2. Liz appreciates the efficiency of being able to both watch TV and wave her arms around.
3. Liz has always dreamed of owning an infomercial product and now all of her dreams have come true.
4. When I asked her for an official review of the Slanket, she said, "It's the best!"
I don't remember what happened next because I was overcome with emotion and that emotion was JOY that Liz and her Slanket have found each other.
"I'd be embarrased if I had a Snuggie, but I'm less embarrassed because I have a Slanket," Liz explained.
Click here to see the Snuggie website, a sad wasteland of pain.
The Slanket website is a glorious work of art and what really got me sobbing was THE SLANKET POEMS THAT ACCOMPANY EACH COLOR CHOICE:
RUBY:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "This color is so hard to describe with words. It's a feeling, a vibration, a longing. It's rich and vibrant. It draws you in and drapes you with comfort and color. If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color...maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out."
Castlerock:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The high intensity discharge lights washed the steel vault in an antiseptic glow. Cold gray walls as thick as the armor of a battleship. Each man had his own reason for being there, that night. Yet they all shared one common interest. When the last seal on the door had been cracked, their treasure was revealed, The Slanket, in Castlerock Grey."
Beige:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The smell of coffee and double apple tobacco fill the market. At the end of the street, beyond the sand worn crenellations of the ancient buildings, the desert swirls. The camels loaded with gear blend with the color of the land, their outlines barely visible. It gets cold at night in the desert, praise be Allah that you brought your Slanket in beige. All of the soft color of the desert with none of the chaffing, stinking camels, sunburns, or dehydration.
Liz, thank you for teaching me the error of my ways.
The Snuggie was not the right Pick - the Slanket combines blanket, sleeves, and POETRY.
CASE CLOSED.
For those who don't know, A SNUGGIE IS A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES.
In case you forget, the official slogan of the Snuggie is "The Blanket with Sleeves!"Liz confronted me about my pick. "Snuggies are the poor man's Slankets," she explained to me, and that's when I learned the following things about her:
1. Her boyfriend, Seth, gave her the greatest Valentines gift of all, A SLANKET.
2. Liz appreciates the efficiency of being able to both watch TV and wave her arms around.
3. Liz has always dreamed of owning an infomercial product and now all of her dreams have come true.
4. When I asked her for an official review of the Slanket, she said, "It's the best!"
I don't remember what happened next because I was overcome with emotion and that emotion was JOY that Liz and her Slanket have found each other.
"I'd be embarrased if I had a Snuggie, but I'm less embarrassed because I have a Slanket," Liz explained.
Click here to see the Snuggie website, a sad wasteland of pain.
The Slanket website is a glorious work of art and what really got me sobbing was THE SLANKET POEMS THAT ACCOMPANY EACH COLOR CHOICE:
RUBY:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "This color is so hard to describe with words. It's a feeling, a vibration, a longing. It's rich and vibrant. It draws you in and drapes you with comfort and color. If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color...maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out."Castlerock:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The high intensity discharge lights washed the steel vault in an antiseptic glow. Cold gray walls as thick as the armor of a battleship. Each man had his own reason for being there, that night. Yet they all shared one common interest. When the last seal on the door had been cracked, their treasure was revealed, The Slanket, in Castlerock Grey." Beige:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The smell of coffee and double apple tobacco fill the market. At the end of the street, beyond the sand worn crenellations of the ancient buildings, the desert swirls. The camels loaded with gear blend with the color of the land, their outlines barely visible. It gets cold at night in the desert, praise be Allah that you brought your Slanket in beige. All of the soft color of the desert with none of the chaffing, stinking camels, sunburns, or dehydration.Liz, thank you for teaching me the error of my ways.
The Snuggie was not the right Pick - the Slanket combines blanket, sleeves, and POETRY.
CASE CLOSED.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Confuse Your Suitors!
Confuse your suitors!
Wear this double-ring on your fist to show the dudes and ladies that you're SINGLE and ready to DANGLE:
Then when they move in to grab your boob or ball, punch them in the face with your other hand:
Then hit them with your third hand that says "POLYAMOROUS."
Won't THAT throw them for a spin?
Question: How come they don't make rings that say, "COMMITTED, BUT NON-MONOGAMOUS?"
Answer: Not enough fingers.
Wear this double-ring on your fist to show the dudes and ladies that you're SINGLE and ready to DANGLE:
Then when they move in to grab your boob or ball, punch them in the face with your other hand:Then hit them with your third hand that says "POLYAMOROUS."Won't THAT throw them for a spin?
Question: How come they don't make rings that say, "COMMITTED, BUT NON-MONOGAMOUS?"
Answer: Not enough fingers.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
No Escape
This watch has been "steampunked out:"
In this situation, that just means that the watch face has no chance of escaping the band because it's been trapped by some wire.
Look - if you're so freaked out about your parts falling off, we better lock your finger down, too:
Safety first!
UPDATE: Natty Ice second.
In this situation, that just means that the watch face has no chance of escaping the band because it's been trapped by some wire.Look - if you're so freaked out about your parts falling off, we better lock your finger down, too:
Safety first!UPDATE: Natty Ice second.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Pippi Picks JUMPSUITS
This week, you hafta wear a JUMPSUIT.
If you're too wussy to show that you CRAVE ONESIES, hide it under your tuxedo jacket and jeans SO NO ONE BUT YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOUR SHOULDERS AND COOCH ARE ATTACHED!!!!!!!
Also, add the denim model above to our collection of PIPPI PICKS OFFICIAL TATTOOED MODELS!
If you're too wussy to show that you CRAVE ONESIES, hide it under your tuxedo jacket and jeans SO NO ONE BUT YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOUR SHOULDERS AND COOCH ARE ATTACHED!!!!!!!Also, add the denim model above to our collection of PIPPI PICKS OFFICIAL TATTOOED MODELS!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Pippi Picks Soda Candles
Today's pick: Soda candles.
What's really floating my boat here is the idea of having a Dr. Pepper travel candle FOR TRAVEL DESTINATIONS THAT DON'T SMELL LIKE DR. PEPPER. This will come in handy when you're a pop star:
YOU: Good. You have the Kit Kats I requested. Don't worry - I will now attend to the scent of the room by lighting my Dr. Pepper candle.
STAGE MANAGER: Yummm!
YOU: The Dr is IN!
[LAter, in Hawaii]
YOU: This beach is delightful, but it smells like hideous sand and terrifying sea beasts.
OCTOPUS: Meow meow meow meow!
YOU: No, not you, Octobaby. I will now fix this stinky sea with the Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale candle I have brought my foyer.
What's really floating my boat here is the idea of having a Dr. Pepper travel candle FOR TRAVEL DESTINATIONS THAT DON'T SMELL LIKE DR. PEPPER. This will come in handy when you're a pop star:YOU: Good. You have the Kit Kats I requested. Don't worry - I will now attend to the scent of the room by lighting my Dr. Pepper candle.
STAGE MANAGER: Yummm!
YOU: The Dr is IN!
[LAter, in Hawaii]
YOU: This beach is delightful, but it smells like hideous sand and terrifying sea beasts.
OCTOPUS: Meow meow meow meow!
YOU: No, not you, Octobaby. I will now fix this stinky sea with the Schweppes Raspberry Ginger Ale candle I have brought my foyer.
Monday, February 2, 2009
What to Wear to Notorious
My 2 top pics for neckwear this week:
In honor of Biggie's new biopic, Notorious P.I.P. suggests you wear this to the movie theater to show them who you're rooting for:
Sadly, I've heard the movie is...bad. This is a disgrace because Biggie is an especially special and squishy guy and his memory deserves better.
TO FIX!
If you are angry with the film makers, show your dismay with this alternate necklace!
All fixed!!
In honor of Biggie's new biopic, Notorious P.I.P. suggests you wear this to the movie theater to show them who you're rooting for:
Sadly, I've heard the movie is...bad. This is a disgrace because Biggie is an especially special and squishy guy and his memory deserves better.TO FIX!
If you are angry with the film makers, show your dismay with this alternate necklace!
All fixed!!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
More Hair Jewelry!!!!!!!
This freaks me out but I still think you should wear it to work tomorrow:
Then when your boss says, "I'm watching you, Johnson!"
you can say, "AND MY NECK IS WATCHING YOU, HANS!!!!!!"
and your boss will say, "In this economy, you better watch your back, Fritz!"
and you'll say, "IN THIS ECONOMY, I HAVE MADE ALL OF MY ACCESSORIES OUT OF MY OWN HAIR, BOSS!"
That's when the boss will promote the hell out of you.
You may recall that this is not the first, or the last time, hair jewelry has been featured on Pippi Picks (click here for a hairy reminder).
Hair jewelry is one of our nation's treasures.
That and clam chowder.
GO!!
Then when your boss says, "I'm watching you, Johnson!"you can say, "AND MY NECK IS WATCHING YOU, HANS!!!!!!"
and your boss will say, "In this economy, you better watch your back, Fritz!"
and you'll say, "IN THIS ECONOMY, I HAVE MADE ALL OF MY ACCESSORIES OUT OF MY OWN HAIR, BOSS!"
That's when the boss will promote the hell out of you.
You may recall that this is not the first, or the last time, hair jewelry has been featured on Pippi Picks (click here for a hairy reminder).
Hair jewelry is one of our nation's treasures.
That and clam chowder.
GO!!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Pippi Picks Chloe's Cuties
In my recent post about Kat Von D's Kat Von BOOK, I mentioned CHLOE, my TV editress.
Y'all should know that in addition to drinking with me and doing Kat-Nikki role plays, Chloe is also an illustrator who makes buttons, cards, and other object d'cuteness:
These can be found on her website, IT'S A BIRD, BIRD WORLD.
Go!
Give her your money and your jewels!!!!!!!!!!!
Y'all should know that in addition to drinking with me and doing Kat-Nikki role plays, Chloe is also an illustrator who makes buttons, cards, and other object d'cuteness:
These can be found on her website, IT'S A BIRD, BIRD WORLD.Go!Give her your money and your jewels!!!!!!!!!!!
Texas Picks Tie-Suit
Shocking events, friends.
"Anonymous," a Frequent commenter has revealed his/her identity! They are the alias "TEXAS!" Now that I know that the state of Texas is the one that has been commenting here on Pippi Picks, I feel a deep craving for brisket.
MEANWHILE, Texas recommends that we meditate on this Alexander McQueen tie/speedo:
Neither your neck nor your nethers will fall off with this contrap!!!!!!!!!
Now when you swim you won't need to hold your pouch!
"Anonymous," a Frequent commenter has revealed his/her identity! They are the alias "TEXAS!" Now that I know that the state of Texas is the one that has been commenting here on Pippi Picks, I feel a deep craving for brisket.
MEANWHILE, Texas recommends that we meditate on this Alexander McQueen tie/speedo:
Neither your neck nor your nethers will fall off with this contrap!!!!!!!!!Now when you swim you won't need to hold your pouch!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Kat Von D's Hand Bra
I haven't checked in with my long-standing crush, Kat Von D, lately: 
...although I have been watching her get progressively crazier and more be-eyeshadowed as she tries to out-shaggy her shaggy man, Nikki Sixx.
Nikki is winning on the eyeshadow front:
Without calling me for advice, Kat decided to write a book and I think you should all buy six copies for me when it comes out in January:
There's a great scene in Kat's TV show, LA Ink, that my editress CHLOE pointed out to me. Nikki presents Kat with the forward he wrote for her book and Kat gets so excited that she almost rips Nikki's wigs off. "Baaaaaybeeeeeeee!" says Kat, "ILOVEIT, ILOVEIT!!!!!!!!"
I love you too, Kat, but I wear a lot more eyeshadow than you and Nikki put together. Even my CATS wear eyeshadow. My cats are also covered with tattoos. They're also vegan.
...although I have been watching her get progressively crazier and more be-eyeshadowed as she tries to out-shaggy her shaggy man, Nikki Sixx.Nikki is winning on the eyeshadow front:
Without calling me for advice, Kat decided to write a book and I think you should all buy six copies for me when it comes out in January:There's a great scene in Kat's TV show, LA Ink, that my editress CHLOE pointed out to me. Nikki presents Kat with the forward he wrote for her book and Kat gets so excited that she almost rips Nikki's wigs off. "Baaaaaybeeeeeeee!" says Kat, "ILOVEIT, ILOVEIT!!!!!!!!"I love you too, Kat, but I wear a lot more eyeshadow than you and Nikki put together. Even my CATS wear eyeshadow. My cats are also covered with tattoos. They're also vegan.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Take Off Your Pants!
Take off your pants!
Now, shake your butt!
Now, put these pants on!!!
Now drink some jus d'orange!
Now stop drinking it!
Now put on an eye patch and pretend to be Tom Cruise in Valkyrie!!
Now stop doing that!
Seriously, stop doing that!
Seriously. Stoppppp.
Now, shake your butt!
Now, put these pants on!!!
Now drink some jus d'orange!Now stop drinking it!
Now put on an eye patch and pretend to be Tom Cruise in Valkyrie!!
Now stop doing that!
Seriously, stop doing that!
Seriously. Stoppppp.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Readers Pick: Irregular Choice
I was so exhausted after sharing that backlog of reader submissions that I had to save this for later: One reader, the "sister" of "Wiper Peeler," recommended irregularchoicestore.co.uk and described it as a "wonderland."
UPDATE: It is, INDEED, a WONDERLAND OF CRAZY. STOP WEARING ALL YOUR PLAIN-ASS SHONKS AND SLIP INTO A PAIR OF CHERRY SHOEZZZ!!!!!
Perhaps splatter boots are more your speed?
These come with built in socks - THANK HE'ANS!!!!!
Don't go to marz without rocket boots!!!!!!!
Don't go anywhere without pink hot dog shoes!!!!!!!!!
Don't go on a sexy dates without these creepy-ass doll booties!!!!!!!!
Don't drive your frickin' car w/out spots driving shoes!!!!!!!!!
There are even tiny crazies for your crazy baby:
When you leave your frickin' house, wear these big shoes:
If your legs try to escape while you're doing errands, you can be all like, "Fuck you, legs! Y'all are strapped in!!!!!!!"
No escape, legs. Try again in 2010, you fuckers.
UPDATE: It is, INDEED, a WONDERLAND OF CRAZY. STOP WEARING ALL YOUR PLAIN-ASS SHONKS AND SLIP INTO A PAIR OF CHERRY SHOEZZZ!!!!!
Perhaps splatter boots are more your speed?These come with built in socks - THANK HE'ANS!!!!!Don't go to marz without rocket boots!!!!!!!Don't go anywhere without pink hot dog shoes!!!!!!!!!
Don't go on a sexy dates without these creepy-ass doll booties!!!!!!!!Don't drive your frickin' car w/out spots driving shoes!!!!!!!!!There are even tiny crazies for your crazy baby:When you leave your frickin' house, wear these big shoes:If your legs try to escape while you're doing errands, you can be all like, "Fuck you, legs! Y'all are strapped in!!!!!!!"No escape, legs. Try again in 2010, you fuckers.
Friday, January 2, 2009
2008 Backlogged Reader Submission EXTRAVEGANZA!
Honies:
I have been receiving so many fabulous reader finds and I have been delinquent about thanking y'all and sharing your gifts with the team.
I now present to you The Pippi Picks 2009 Presentation of the Backlogged Reader Submissions from 2008.
LET'S BEGIN, SPECIAL PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
My friend COUNT CHOCULA sent me these terrifying Crocs that are both Crocs and... purple sheeps.
One of my two cousins named Jonah (click here to see all the ridiculously cool shit he does for a living) sent me an INCREDIBLE video for The Snuggie AKA the ultimate jammie:
ANONYMOUS came through once again and sent me a link to a designer called Monsoon Saloon that makes crazy circus clothes, capes, puffies, and big sweaters:
Sweatshirt with leather tassels - DUH:
Click here to see this completely fucking crazy site.
MEANWHILE, Haute Hank sent me a link to a site that sells HAIR HATS!!!!!! YES!!!!!!! HAIR HATS 4 EVR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Click here to see HAIR HATZ!
Ever classy, he also sent me a link to Jewelry with John and Jackie (JJJ):
MEANWHILE, "Wiper Peeler" sent me a link to Shoewawa.com, a site having a contest for THE UGLIEST SHOES OF 2009:
Wiper was partial to THESE CAR SHOES:
I was also directed to irregularchoicestore.co.uk but I will have to post that later because I am now EXHAUSTED by all the EMOTIONS I am feeling from looking at car shoes, sheep boots, snuggies, etc.
READERS!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR FINE FINDINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!
STAY HUNGRY!!!!!!!!1
HAPPY NEW YEAR, SPECIAL DUDES AND MA'AMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
I have been receiving so many fabulous reader finds and I have been delinquent about thanking y'all and sharing your gifts with the team.
I now present to you The Pippi Picks 2009 Presentation of the Backlogged Reader Submissions from 2008.
LET'S BEGIN, SPECIAL PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
My friend COUNT CHOCULA sent me these terrifying Crocs that are both Crocs and... purple sheeps.
One of my two cousins named Jonah (click here to see all the ridiculously cool shit he does for a living) sent me an INCREDIBLE video for The Snuggie AKA the ultimate jammie:
ANONYMOUS came through once again and sent me a link to a designer called Monsoon Saloon that makes crazy circus clothes, capes, puffies, and big sweaters:
Sweatshirt with leather tassels - DUH:
Click here to see this completely fucking crazy site.
MEANWHILE, Haute Hank sent me a link to a site that sells HAIR HATS!!!!!! YES!!!!!!! HAIR HATS 4 EVR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Click here to see HAIR HATZ!
Ever classy, he also sent me a link to Jewelry with John and Jackie (JJJ):
MEANWHILE, "Wiper Peeler" sent me a link to Shoewawa.com, a site having a contest for THE UGLIEST SHOES OF 2009:
Wiper was partial to THESE CAR SHOES:I was also directed to irregularchoicestore.co.uk but I will have to post that later because I am now EXHAUSTED by all the EMOTIONS I am feeling from looking at car shoes, sheep boots, snuggies, etc.READERS!!!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR FINE FINDINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!
STAY HUNGRY!!!!!!!!1
HAPPY NEW YEAR, SPECIAL DUDES AND MA'AMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Pippi Learns About Christmas
Merry Christmas, One and All!
I am enjoying my Tex-Mex Interfaith Christmas and Hanukkah day!
I had thought my Mrs. Claus Halloween costume was hot shit but now I realize that I should have been rocking this:
Next Halloween.
In the meantime, I am enjoying such Christian delights as Die Hard, Christmas meats, and decorative greens. As an interfaith professional, I'd like to share some tips I have learned with you on this Jewish journey:
1. A stocking sometimes holds candy, but you should not try to eat the stocking itself.
2. A christmas tree may have a fine and festive smell, but you should not try to eat it.
3. Gift certificates are gifts, not snacks.
Learn from my mistakes!
I am enjoying my Tex-Mex Interfaith Christmas and Hanukkah day!
I had thought my Mrs. Claus Halloween costume was hot shit but now I realize that I should have been rocking this:
Next Halloween.In the meantime, I am enjoying such Christian delights as Die Hard, Christmas meats, and decorative greens. As an interfaith professional, I'd like to share some tips I have learned with you on this Jewish journey:
1. A stocking sometimes holds candy, but you should not try to eat the stocking itself.
2. A christmas tree may have a fine and festive smell, but you should not try to eat it.
3. Gift certificates are gifts, not snacks.
Learn from my mistakes!
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