Black + Yellow = Big Bee

To be honest, I love Factory People. The sell lots of interesting and strange things. HOWEVER, their clothes are more expensive than six butt implants and I can't imagine ever buying anything.
Curiously, they now stock Cheap Monday clothes (maker of the famously $65 fancy jeans), and if you are so inclined you can now purchase something for less than the cost of a new car:
$35! That's not $15, but it's closer! It's just a black smock, but you could jazz it up by cutting a crotch hole in it and wearing hot pink underwear.
If I was given a bag of gold, I would probably celebrate by buying some radiant, golden clothes:
Radiant bags! Golden bags!
Mmmm... golden bags...
Favorite thing: People who call boobs "fun bags."

Pippi Picks a Friend

I have received some complaints that I have only been offering my divine guidance to sluts and leaving dicks out in the cold. Wipe your balls on this towel!! Eat a tasty cake! I have picked some shit just for you, mens!!!!

You should know by now that I (Pippi) have excellent taste in ALL THINGS including what you should wear and how often you should party with Panda Anderson (Answer: All days). Meanwhile, my #1 pick in the game of love has come to visit. This A+ Sir is none other than my friend with benefits (#1 benefit is 3-year relationship) who has appeared in a cloud of perfume and diamonds. This man has the punctuality of a fine wine, the instincts of a fierce owl, and the ass of an angel. He is the new Pippi Picks Muse of 2006/07 AKA Slut of WebSpace "The Swim Suit Edition."

To show my inspiration, I have picked out some clothes just for him:
First, I would like him to wear this chunky sweater:
Later, when we go to the theater, he can wear this fancy frock:
Of course, this high-maintenance honey needs me to keep him in furs and horses... and to beautify the well-appointed home I will purchase for him, I have picked out these sneaky prints: This will remind him that he only has all of his furs and jewels because of the money I make playing basketball.Yes, readers, there is a big announcement: A new voice has come to PippiPicks. Starting today, you can submit your fashion queries to Pippi's Boyfriend, too. "Ask Pippi's Boyfriend" will be an occasional column on this A+ blog.
WHAT, OH WHAT, WILL HIS ANSWERS BE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
CRAP????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO????????//
WHY HAS HE COME HERE?????????/
WHY IS HE RUINING EVERYIGTHIOJIO------------ ok. all's well again.

15 Clams

I LOVE this watch:
It is completely insane looking. If I owned this, I would shine the jewels every night before bed. Then I would feed my 100 labra-doodles. Then I would do a line of coke off of Kate Moss' ass.
Whoa!
Also: If you click on the link, you will notice that this watch is from a site called "THE15DOLLARSTORE.COM." Now that's what I'm talkin' bout. For that they earn the Pippi Picks Cheap Bitch Seal of Approval for Fiscal Year 2006/2007.

Slutorial

I'm not going to lie to you - you have to be a BEAST to pull off that headband. Let me show you how to do it:
First, put on this ring and start storming around your hotel room:
Now put on lots of lipstick and start painting your nails. Half way through painting your nails, get bored and make a gin and tonic.
Now you should order $300 worth of room service (including 3 orders of shrimp cocktail, a "beef," and a V-8). Put your sunglasses on and turn the TV on and off a few times.
When the room service arrives, pull the covers over your head and pretend to be asleep for a while. Then put your bathrobe on and answer the door:
YOU: Who izzit?
ROOM SERVICE: Beef and shrimps, etc.
YOU: Shhhhhh.
RS: You look amazing.
YOU: No. You do.

Then tip the bell boy by sliding off your bracelet and slipping it in his pocket:Then say, "And bring my diamonds up from storage. Fritz. Whatever ur name iz. Where's my gold?"
Then get back in bed and pretend to smoke a cigarette. Call someone in France and say, "Oops. Pardon. Wrong number."
Turn the TV on again.
Voila!
See? Now you know how to wear that headband.

HAM!

Pick o' the day:
Oops. Not green. Not even CLOSE.

I MUST Call Mother!

This priss twitch continues: I am inexplicably drawn to this polka-dot skirt:
Why? Why me? Why I have gone to the Priss Side? Am I forgetting my nasty roots? This person wearing this skirt is strolling in "pumps" down the streets of Manhattan exclaiming,
"Ah, me! LA LA LA!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOO happy! The sun is shining and I'm going to be married to the man I love best!! Mother will be SO pleased!! I must call her after I finish my weekly lunch with 'the girls!' I'm so happy and GAY!!!!"

If you MUST wear this skirt, you need to tone it down by wearing some plain-colored tunic-y shirt. Then there will just be a polka pouf at the bottom instead of the whole fruitcake. Ideally, you would wear a very scruffy, loose and drapey tank top that had rough-cut sloping neckline that showed some of your chain halter bra. That will take some of the polka edge off and reduce your general gaiety. However, I couldn't find photos of those things. Instead, you could consider wearing this tunic (in charcoal, of course, not in this blasted tan):

I also STRONGLY recommend that you wear this brilliant diamond necklace.Ok. I'm glad we had this talk.

Strange Swimwear

I am sure that by now you've run out and gotten ALL of the tattoos I suggested. Fast work. You look great. Now you need a weird bathing suit to show them off in (these will work for men or women).
My first pick is a fabulous "monokini:"I love these new/old bikinis that have tummy "stuff" in the middle that connect the T to the A. It looks kind of like suspenders for a diaper. Also: What part of the body is it celebrating? The "side part," which never gets as much love as the boobs etc. It's more common to hear "nice ass" than "nice squishy side part! that is the part on your side that is squishy." ok, not squishy for Ahnold, but whatever.
I am intrigued by this crochet thing because I don't know what it is. In the description, this warning stuck out to me: "Not intended to be worn in water"
What do you do with it? Can you imagine going to the beach and crying on your towel because all of your friends were splashing and playing and you had to do Sudoku and eat bananas alone? No water? I suppose you could just wear it to a party and call it a day. What else... you couldn't wear it to go "tanning" because you would come out looking like you'd been tossed on a grill.

In the category of "Retiree Chic" we have this lovely swimdress:I think it's for slutty retirees who are always yelling "HANDJOBS!" instead of "BINGO!" We can all aspire to be slutty retirees one day.

Last but not least we have this... thing. This is for when you are WRECKED and are trying to get around the "no shirt" policy at the 7-Eleven. This is for when you're on vacation with your third husband who is really rich and also kind of insane. He's taken you to some crazy fancy restaurant and you are way too messed up to put pants on. The triangle on your bikini is no longer over your nipple and is now kind of around your neck. You're like, "Dahling, I have a confession."
"What is it, my angel?"
"Ih've been faking my accent."
"Whoa."
"Shhh. Eat your mahi mahi."

Oh no! TSTS (Too Sad, Too Serious). A monokini, a no-water baby, a skank retiree, and a bad marriage riddled with substance abuse and lies. DEAR LORD! What is this world coming to? Why have these swimsuits brought us such misfortune? These suits are like snakes in the grass!

Tats for Tits

I picked out all kinds of tattoos for you but Blogger kept erasing my post (a sad story, I know). Now the post has reappeared but it is a few streets over (mysteriously). Click on Pippi Picks Your Tattoo and you will have the answer to all your inky needs.
Love, Pippi

Pippi Picks Princely Pricks

I love huge rings because they will turn you into a crazy prince who drank too much out of a lead-spiked goblet:
When you're wearing the ring, you can come up with an excuse to wave it around a lot. Keep yelling "WAITER!!!!!!" or "PASS THE BEANS - AGAIN!!!!!!!!!" so you can show off your bejeweled hands. Once you think people are starting to get the idea, go up to one of your friends, stick you ring right under their nose and yell, "DO YOU SMELL THAT, BITCH? THAT SMELLS LIKE MONEY!!!!!!!!" Then go sit back down. 20 minutes later, say, "What's that smell? Oh, duh. It's money." Then wave your ring around again.
To keep the princely dream alive, wear this bracelet:
Then you can be all like, "Yeah, duh. I have a whole staff of people who tie these strings on me every day. They also bathe me and recreate Veggie Tales when I ask them to," and only you will know that the strings came PRE-ATTACHED and that your "staff" is only me, Pippi, your humble king-appointed blogger. Why did the king give his heir a blogger and not a scribe or squire or archery coach or other useful thing? Why? Because the King Pancake picked Prince Pippi. Whoa. Ok, reel it in. Too much absinthe.

Thatsa Fringe!!!!!!

Big fringe!!!! Keeps flies away!!!!!!!!! Also: Stay tuned. The Tattoo Advisory Committee will soon be holding its first board meeting.

Pippi Picks YourTattoo

If you have been drunk with me in the past year, you know that every 20 minutes I try to convince everyone to run out and get blacklight tattoos of girls in leather bikinis on motorcycles making out and holding machine guns. I stand by that recommendation.

I am unfortunately both obsessed with tattoos and Jewish. If I get a tattoo, I really should go whole hog and get a tattoo of a package of bacon beating G-dog at poker.
Meanwhile, here are my picks for your tender tattoo:

Where to Put Your Tattoo:
1. Full sleeves! Hey! I love full sleeves and it is less stupid than having a chunky soup arm with one lone tattoo of a wolf looking at the moon.
2. Along your ribs and side. Like a side hug!
3. On or under your collar bone. My favorite waitress at my favorite bar has "Love will tear us apart" right there and I gave her a big tip for that. Well played, hot waitress.
4. In a secret place, like the outside of your thigh or inside of your lung.

My picks:
1. Blacklight tattoos!

This is genius. Blacklight tattoos only show up under blacklights. All other times they appear (at most) like faded scars. Here is one under a blacklight:

Obviously, you should not get "Lady Luck" on your knuckles and instead should get "Pippi Picks."

Pippi's Life Motto: If you are in a situation where it is appropriate to have a blacklight, it is also appropriate to have a tattoo.

2. Black and gray portraits:

If they're realistic, black and gray portraits look fab-o. You should get my face or your grandma's. Don't get Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas - she's annoying.

3. Pin-Ups

I have become obsessed with Kat Von D from Miami Ink. She loves pin-up tattoos, which has made me start to love them, too. Maybe Kat will sense that I agree with her and will become my friend. Look, here's one of the kickin' pin-ups that she has on her arm:Here is another fab pin-up.Pin-ups are a tricky trick because somehow they are trashy and classy at the same time.

4. Huge Religious Tattoos

For some reason, I kind of love HUGE religious tattoos:See that? See that huge nun? I love her. Who's that guy she's carrying? This person also demonstrates my first advice: More is more. No chunky stinky. Get a whole sack of tattoos so you don't look like a veggie soup after you get your first one.5. Graffiti Dreams
I think you should get a tattoo that looks like you are having a dream and everything is in that saturated graffiti color:

6. Fab Lettering
Sometimes fab lettering is so fab, y'know? Like really scripty script. I advise that you get "Pippi Picks" is script on your face.7. Hilarious Animals

There is also something hilarious about having a random animal tattoo. "Big cats," bears, sharks, etc. It's only funny, though, if they're huge and in kind of a weird place. The tattoo below isn't funny because it's on his arm. If it was under his armpit, it would be kind of funny. 8. The Ultimate Strategy:

When you are picking a tattoo, the biggest challenge is finding one that you'll always like for ever and ever. How could you know for sure? Here is my clever solution: Instead of trying to pick a tattoo that will always be perfect, pick one that will always be kind of "wrong." That way, it will always be funny. Here is my #1 A+ pick:See? This will be funny when:
1. Your parents see it for the first time,
2. You are a chaperon for your son's third grade class trip to the beach,
3. You are 80 and go into the hospital to meet with your case manager about your diabetes.
A long life of wrong.

Now you may be asking yourself, what would Pippi pick?
Obviously, I would get a portrait of young Madonna on the outside of my thigh and a huge backpiece of girls in leather bikinis on motorcycles making out and holding machine guns. But we've been over this before.

Pippi Picks Prissy Prudes

For some reason, lately I've been attracted to kind of prissy shit. This may be because I spend all day saying things like, "I updated the database," and "Is the meeting in 15A or 15B?"
In solidarity, you should wear these prissy outfits I've picked for you:
All week, you can wear different combinations of white pants and solid color smocks:

Smocks! Tenty smocks! Doesn't that sound like the name of a British police chief?
Tenty Smocks, here. What seems to be the trouble? Tea? Yes, thank you.
Hullo? Mother, this is your son, Tenty. Yes, of course, mother! Tenty Smocks! You really must get your hearing aid checked.
Then you can mope around being all like, "Sigh. Smocky smock. I'm eating grapenuts. Yummmmm. Crunchy. I'm wearing black flats all the time etc etc etc"
If you want to be really wild and crazy, once in a while you can wear this necklace of little white dudes:

And if you have gone totally batty you can wear colored shoes:Glossy shoes, of course, will be the start of a slippery slope. Soon you'll be back in that gold bikini and vandalizing cars with Crazy String.

Wedding Planner

My friend from high school just announced that he's getting married, which is tres fab. What he doesn't know is that I already finished planning his wedding and 3,000 frozen meatballs on sticks are going to arrive at his house sometime in the next three days.

Don't worry, Wedding Friend, it's all planned!

At the ceremony, a Cranberries cover band will sing "Happy Wedding to You!" before the bride and groom blow out the wedding candles.

Reception Menu:

1. 3,000 meatballs on sticks.

2. Pancakes.

2. Lox-flavored wedding cake.
But what will the bride wear? I have picked out 3 possible outfits for her.

WEDDING DRESS #1:

I am worried that she will be so trashed from the pre-ceremony Power Hour I've planned that she'll trip if her dress is too long. To help her out, I have picked a miniature wedding dress. So tiny!!! A Shrinky Dink!!!!!

WEDDING DRESS #2:

It is also possible that the bride will still be hungover from the pre-wedding rehearsal Power Hour that I have planned for the night before. If so, she should just roll out of the limo and stumble up the aisle in the dress from the night before. No one will notice! She doesn't even have to brush her teeth! WEDDING DRESS #3:

I think we all know, though, that for a truly great wedding you should get married outside of an Arby's and the bride should wear a romper and roller skates.

BTDT!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, you get invited to terrible parties. Don't worry, friend. I have picked out just the outfit for you. You have to behave tonight because last time you embarrassed your boyfriend, cousin, or boss by putting a pineapple on your head and pretending that you were driving a submarine. Pay your dues by looking like you have a stick up your ass: Not a huge stick! Just a twig! The dress has nifty patterns that you can gawk at if you look at those alternate views on the Adasa site. However, this model does not look happy because she knows that she is doomed to spend the next four hours holding a glass of wine and being introduced to people. BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! LAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEE!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOORINNGGGGGGG!!

I love secrets and I think you should wear some secret trinkets under your dress. Hide the following necklaces under that gray wrap floppy collar:

AND! Who knew? This is "For Me To Poop On."And my favorite:You need to wear all of them at once for their magic spells to work. Just for good luck, you should also throw this freaky sheep into the mix:
Remember! Don't let anyone see them! This sheep is shy! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MYOB!!!!!!!!!! S8R!!!

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My ass almost came off when I laughed.