Wedding Mania MEGAPOST

Big news, y'all: 2, yes, TWO of my coworkers have recently gotten engaged and have asked me to marry them AKA recommend wedding gowns.

DON'T WORRY, COWORKERS! NO NEED TO CALL OFF THE WEDDINGS! I WILL HELP WITH THIS EXCELLENT SELECTION OF WEDDING PICKS!!!

Luckily, these Bridez happen to be especially fine, intelligent, capable, and good-hearted women and their Groomz are both especially fine, endearing, grounded, and good-hearted dudes THUS these are HAPPY weddings, not SAD, STRANGE weddings, which I am sure many of you have been to.

TO CELEBRATE, my engagement gift to these pairs is a POST of PICKS to ensure that they have EXCELLENT, FERTILE, and, ROBUST WEDDINGS.

AS WE DISCUSSED, a good wedding dress is like a good mullet: Short in front and flowing train in the back:
For the slutz in the crowd, may I also recommend this version:
Of course, you could also go in the other direction and rock a professional white jumpsuit with hat and bowtie:
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, ok. I think we all know that a leopard dress with muff and Santa Hat is both classic and reverent:
There's also nothing wrong with doing a lot of coke, breaking into a department store, and skipping the wedding, like the bride below did:
If you love your ass as much as I love mine, you might want to work it in a mini with ass-enhancers:
If you are really sleepy, this dress comes with a built-in neck pillow:
MEANWHILE, some cultures celebrate weddings in RED, not WHITE, and I think you should look into that, especially if that means you end up wearing this:
If you're trying to hide your feet from your fiancee, cover them up with this foot poof:
Personally, I think you should ditch the white, do head-to-toe sequins and show up at the aisle like, "BA-BAM! MARRY ME NOW, DICK-BAG!:"
"I'M HOT AS A DISCO BALL, BAY-BAY!"
If you want my honest opinion, I think you should wear a golden sheath with shag padding:
My coworker, LIZ, of Snuggie/Slanket fame, mentioned that she wants to wear sleeves on her wedding day. I kind of like the idea of sleeves and no pants:
Of course, not as much as I like the idea of surprising your groom at the huppah in a giant Ursula costume:
AND NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE THIS WEDDING OUTFIT:
Ok, enough hemming and hawing! DRUMROLL, PLEASE for the PIPPI PICKS 2009 TOP WEDDING PICK FOR 2010!!!
MY TOP PICK FOR 2009/2010 IS....PEACOCK WITH GOLF CLUBS!!!
WAIT, BRIDES!!!
GAME NOT OVER!!!
YOU NEED YOUR BRIDAL SHOES!!

Liz, in your honor, I have found these bejeweled shoes:
Rachel, in your honor I have found these star heels, because you're gonna exclusion them with inciders:
For both ladiezz: My top pick is these shoes, WHICH COME WITH THEIR OWN TINY VEIL! JUST THINK, EVEN THE SHOES ARE FILLED WITH BRIDAL MODESTY AND NAIVETE!!!!
I MEAN, you could also just go with zebra shoes:
What's most important is that your heels are very, very high so that you look like a towering, bridal monster!

The fear in your guests hearts can be off-set by a glittering quinceanera tiara!
Of course, don't step into that bridal booth without big Beyonce jewels!!"YOU LIKE IT AND DID, IN FACT, PUT A RING ON IT!" was the working chorus.

ANY QUESTIONS???
I THINK THIS COVERS IT.

Now your wedding planning is done and you can go back to making me grandchildren.

SEE YOU IN VEGAS!!!!
For more wedding planning advice, CLICK HERE for the Pippi Picks BRIDES archives
for info about:
-- Fabulous Casual
-- More wedding dress picks
--Target wedding gowns
-- Motley Crue Weddings
-- Upstaging the bride
-- Pregnant slutz
-- Complete wedding plan

AND OF COURSE, YOU CAN ALWAYS PULL A PANDA:
[yes, a picture of panda anderson on wedding day]

Pippi Picks Hairphones

Two Picks from weird store Stand Up Comedy:

ONE:
Hairy decorations for earphones, AKA "HAIRPHONES:"TWO:
Glasses with dangles, AKA "JANGLE-GLASSES:"
WHEN HAVE I FAILED YOU????

I Want to get in Katy Perry's Hot Pants!!

MAN, I want sparkly hot pants SO BADAND I WANT TO WEAR THEM TO WORK!!!

When I say, "I want to get in Katy Perry's pants!" I mean it!How come she gets to wear all the small shorts????

Give me some of those shorts, Katy.

I wore a shirt and no pants AND I LIKED IT!! I LIKED IT!!!!!

Daniela Picks: Kinky Stripper Heels

DANIELA, a reader from San Francisco and a friend of Count Chocula, sent me a link to these HORRIBLE HEELS:The copy on the website says: "Black soft leather, makes this one interesting fashion accessory"

I don't think it's the leather that makes them "interesting," but that's just me.

Also, as far as I can tell, this website is a stipper supply shop for things like clear whore heels:
Everyone needs a pair of giant stripper heels!!! U KNOW IT'S TRUE, YOU FREAKIN' SLUTZZ!!!!!!YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!!!! DON'T FIGHT IT!!!!!!!!

STOP FIGHTING IT!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO MAKE A REALLY LOUD CLICKING SOUND!!!!!!!!!

CLICK CLICK CLICK!!!! HERE YOU GO!!!!!!!!!

Holy crap - these are just like the boots my mom has worn for 20 years:
I should get her a pair...

Actually, I should get everyone else in the family a pair. All of us walking down the street in matching boots would be pretty boss.

Best of all, it would get me one step closer to my goal of having my family be a spokes-family for matcheez.com:
WARNING! Be careful if you go to Matcheez.com because it is one of the most delightful websites of all time!!!

The motto is: "Where great families dress alike!"
Advice from the site:

"Why dress in family matching clothing?

Get into the family spirit! You can show your family unity to the world by dressing alike. It can be fun and practical to dress in matching clothing!"

INDEED!!
GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND DRESS YOUR BABY AND SPOUSE IN MATCHING LOOKZZ!!!!

Matcheez.com has sections for matching parents and kids, couples, and EVEN DOLLS, DOGS, AND HUMANS!!!

Pad Your Camel Toe with Cuchini!

To all the amazing folks who have sent me Reader Picks: I haven't forgotten you!

Coming up on Pippi Picks: A series of Fine Reader Finds!!

First up: THE CUCHINI, a COOCH GARMENT picked by Hanno.

It is a MONS PAD that pads your mons from camel toe:Heidi Klum generously called and offered to demonstrate what a camel toe is:
Thanks, Heidi!
FYI: Heidi Klum's camel toe is not called a camel toe. It is called a "Klum Toe."

Thanks for the pick, Hanno!
Stay tuned for more fine picks from my fine and French readers!

Flash Your Boob Tattoos!!

I think you should wear a dress with such a low V that everyone can see the bikini tan you got this weekend in Central Park:Christ! And get a boob tattoo fer chrissake!!!Get 'em ALL tattooed!!!!!

Jewels for Font Nerds

SHOW THEM WHAT FONT YOU WANT, YOU FUCKIN' FONT NERD!!!!!!!IT'S OK THAT YOU'RE A FONT NERD.

Wear a Jumpsuit: You Have No Excuse

I've long advised you to wear onesies and you always try to get out of it:
"Blah, blah, blah, I can't wear a jumpsuit in the shower,"
"Blah blah, not today, I can't wear a jumpsuit to work, blah blah,"
"Blah blah, there's no onesie emporium in my neighborhood."
WELL,
now you don't have an excuse because I have found your perfect jumpsuit source: theurbancollection.com.

Just look at all the fine jumpsuits they have in stock:

Red!
Pink!
Leopard!
Gold!
Hot pink!
And you can top it off with a leather jacket and still have time to make your court date:
"Not guilty, your honor."
If wearing one-piece clothes is a crime, I don't want to be right."

BIG SHIRT, NO PANTS!

FINALLY, someone takes my advice: BIG SHIRT! NO PANTS!
Take heed!

AND AS A BONUS, I found this on a site with the best name ever, a name even Garfield could love: "I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS."

Topshop Opens in NYC and You Don't Have to Go!

Topshop, a British store, opened in NYC today and people went a little cwazy (so I heard) and stood in a line, etc, etc.

DON'T WORRY, READERS! You don't have to go to that crowded store opening! I have picked out the top, most fine picks for you to dress yourself with! Now you, too, can be British!

My #1 Top Pick from Topshop is this beatiful unitard:

#2 pick is this fine and fancy floral blazer:
I mean, you can also get other things at Topshop like stripey dresses,
bright raincoats,
OR LACE CROPPED SHIRTS!!!!!!
They also sell things like green shoes:

and playsuits, for playing in:I learned a valuable lesson snooping around Topshop.com:

DID YOU KNOW THAT BRITISH PEOPLE CALL ROLLING SUITCASES "TROLLEYS?" You did? Oh. Well, I didn't and I'm SHOCKED.

Glasses Without Glass

NO GLASS?
NO PROBLEM!

NO GAS?

BIG PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO GRASS?

SOMETIMES A BIG PROBLEM.

SPRING? S'I DON'T SINK SO!!!!!!!

S'ALMOST SPRING! Don't it make you want t'wear pink high heels?OH WAIT!!!! NEVERMIND, IT'S -50 DEGREES TODAY IN NYC!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE WEATHERMAN'S WAY OF TELLING YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!
PUT YOUR COAT BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pop Picks!

Behind every Pippi, there is a Pop, AKA "a dad," who emails her photos of fashions.

Today! Heed my Pop's Picks and wear a Box Hat:
Perhaps you'd prefer this umbrella skirt:
Huzzah!

Dressed by Kim Gordon

This week I think you should wear clothes designed by super cutie pie Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth:She savvily hooked up a collaboration with Urban Outfitters so now you, too, can wear Kim's frocks:Click here to scope her collection.

Click here to look at pictures of fat cats.Ahhh. Pictures of fat cats are nature's medicine.

Headflower

Oh HELL yes!
I'm going to wear this Headflower to WORK.

PS: Not to intimidate you, but you can buy the headflower at a site called SPACEMERMAID.COM.

PPS: Spacemermaid is also the name of my firstborn son.

PPPS: My second-born is named CornCalender.

Slanket vs Snuggie: Slanket Wins

LIZ, who is one of my coworkers, recently discovered Pippi Picks and immediately called me out for featuring a snuggie video as a Pick.
For those who don't know, A SNUGGIE IS A BLANKET WITH SLEEVES.In case you forget, the official slogan of the Snuggie is "The Blanket with Sleeves!"

Liz confronted me about my pick. "Snuggies are the poor man's Slankets," she explained to me, and that's when I learned the following things about her:

1. Her boyfriend, Seth, gave her the greatest Valentines gift of all, A SLANKET.
2. Liz appreciates the efficiency of being able to both watch TV and wave her arms around.
3. Liz has always dreamed of owning an infomercial product and now all of her dreams have come true.
4. When I asked her for an official review of the Slanket, she said, "It's the best!"

I don't remember what happened next because I was overcome with emotion and that emotion was JOY that Liz and her Slanket have found each other.

"I'd be embarrased if I had a Snuggie, but I'm less embarrassed because I have a Slanket," Liz explained.

Click here to see the Snuggie website, a sad wasteland of pain.

The Slanket website is a glorious work of art and what really got me sobbing was THE SLANKET POEMS THAT ACCOMPANY EACH COLOR CHOICE:

RUBY:
SLANKET SITE SAYS: "This color is so hard to describe with words. It's a feeling, a vibration, a longing. It's rich and vibrant. It draws you in and drapes you with comfort and color. If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color...maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out."

Castlerock:

SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The high intensity discharge lights washed the steel vault in an antiseptic glow. Cold gray walls as thick as the armor of a battleship. Each man had his own reason for being there, that night. Yet they all shared one common interest. When the last seal on the door had been cracked, their treasure was revealed, The Slanket, in Castlerock Grey."

Beige: SLANKET SITE SAYS: "The smell of coffee and double apple tobacco fill the market. At the end of the street, beyond the sand worn crenellations of the ancient buildings, the desert swirls. The camels loaded with gear blend with the color of the land, their outlines barely visible. It gets cold at night in the desert, praise be Allah that you brought your Slanket in beige. All of the soft color of the desert with none of the chaffing, stinking camels, sunburns, or dehydration.

Liz, thank you for teaching me the error of my ways.
The Snuggie was not the right Pick - the Slanket combines blanket, sleeves, and POETRY.
CASE CLOSED.

Confuse Your Suitors!

Confuse your suitors!

Wear this double-ring on your fist to show the dudes and ladies that you're SINGLE and ready to DANGLE:
Then when they move in to grab your boob or ball, punch them in the face with your other hand:
Then hit them with your third hand that says "POLYAMOROUS."
Won't THAT throw them for a spin?

Question: How come they don't make rings that say, "COMMITTED, BUT NON-MONOGAMOUS?"
Answer: Not enough fingers.