Pippi Picks ToBeAPirate.com

Happy Halloween, Ma'ams and Sirs!

To extend the holiday, I think tomorrow you should go into work wearing this:This is from tobeapirate.com, a website that both shox and awes me.
I have so many questions!

1. Why does it sell only pirate things?
2. Why is the "About Us" page signed by "Cap'n Patrick Buttscrape?"
3. When should I wear this jacket?

Answer: I should wear this jacket to the zoo to intimidate the animals.

Slutty Mannequin

Doesn't this freak you out a little?Hey mannequin - I can see your vagine.

Finally, the Leather Jacket of My Dreams

The Anica Boutique website has lots of fancy and stylish things but I have picked my two favorites just 4 U.

Puh-lease wear this royal blue accordion dress all week long: Then if you run into someone lame who you used to go to school with you can just put your finger over their mouth and say, "Shhhhhhhh. Don't speak. I am hiding." Then flip up the collar and stand very still.

Here's my second project for you:
1. Buy a leather jacket.
2. Take it to a tailor.
3. Say this:
YOU: Hi, I need some alterations made.
TAILOR: Two tomato basil!
YOU: Mmmm. Pizza...
TAILOR: Pepperoni??
YOU: Ok, ok. I need you cut the sleeves off the jacket.
TAILOR: Fine.
YOU: Actually, cut off the neck, too.
TAILOR: Moo moo.
YOU: Hmm... You know what - can you cut off the bottom of the jacket, too?
TAILOR: With ease! That will be $37.50
YOU: And can you cut a triangle out of the back, too?
TAILOR: That will be $91.50.
YOU: A small price to pay for the jacket of my dreams:
Spatzolino!

Evil Glasses

Don't wear these sunglasses all weekend or you'll turn into an evil genius again:
Last time you wore these too long you invented an evil version of the internet call the "Splinternet" that uses Master Splinter's fine reputation to spread slander.

I'd Rather Go Naked Than Stop Bedazzling to Kraftwerk

If you have any office work or crafting (aka Kraftwerk), please use the appropriate tools:
People who refuse to use rhinestone-studded office tools make me sick.

One time I almost had to blog with a non-bejeweled mouse but I called the staff at the Plaza and yelled, "XXCUUUUSE ME!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???????? " The problem was fixed.

Shark Attack!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doesn't it kind of look like you can eat these?
Like, you know the gummy mixture used to make Shark Bites fruit snacks? That's what I'm thinking of here. Shark Bite-flavored bracelets.Do you remember when Shark Bites did a promotion where they had one white "mystery" shark that was mystery flavored?
What WAS that mystery flavor?????????

I am worried that it was shark flavored and now a ghost shark will haunt me in my apartment.

Catz on Smack!

OMG, Ma'ams and Sirs! Now you can wear your catz with this catz cuff:
Become a cat and cast some spellz on the USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eat some meatz and drink water on all fourzz!!!!!!!
Catch mice with your face!!!!!!!!!
U R soooooo cute now that U are 300% cat!!!!!!!!!!!

How many catz are U?? 1 -- - 2! 2 catz = 2 cute 2 talk about!
I fancy U, Cat!!!!!!!

Bikini Jeans

Once again, my personal style guru/cousin Henry has tipped me off to a fashion sensation featured on StyleGuru.org: Bikini jeans!
Yummo!

Pippi Picks a Boxy Smock

Tomorrow I think you should wear this boxy red and white dress.
This model is not pleased. She knows you're going to rock it better.

Boots for Eli

Here is a comment recently posted on Pippi Picks:

"Pippi,

the winter is nigh and I need some freakin' boots.
Yelp me!

bootlessly,
Eli"

Eli, I will indeed yelp you boot up. There are lots of boots for menz that will make you look like a douche but do not fear. There's a rainbow of footwear waiting for you.

If you want an old classic, you can always rock Sorels like me and Rampdog did when we were little:
But if you need to stay under the radar, you should stay hidden with camo:

Can't decide? COMBINE THE TWO WITH A MAGIC SHOE WAND!
I mean, you can't go wrong with motorcycle boots:
You probably could go wrong with thigh-highs:
If that's too daring, you can play it down with plain black work boots:If you have chilly ankles, wear some fuzzy roll-tops:
If you're going to Texas you should definitely wear cowboy boots instead:


If you want my honest opinion, I think you should wear these:
And if you're lonely and want a boot that can also be your pet, you should buy these:
I think you know what to do.

Barf Out!

There are 3 reasons why this is the perfect piece of jewelry:1. It's a pin that says "BARF OUT!"
2. It's 99 cents!!
3. It sticks it to the man! W/barf! Double barf!!!!!!!!

Butt Pads

I got an email from Greg, an eagle-eyed reader who had picked out a splendid black thong-suspender dong-sack. Due to technical difficulties, the image he sent me can't be shown here but here is a similar item to help give you the general idea:The photo above + metal rings + attached suspenders = "dong swing?"
The thong shown above has built-in padding which the web copy promises "lifts you up and out."

Greg, I think you may have hit upon what should be the cornerstone of every man's wardrobe: Tasteful padding. Behold! Unders with a padded butt!

You can wear it under this...shirt! This sick, sick shirt.
This shirt would look much better with butt pads and a dong swing.

Happy Halloween, SparkleCalves

I think you should wear these leggings but I'm worried that they might have the power to put a hex on you and change your life for the worst:Alternate idea:
Halloween costume. What are you? Why, SparkleCalves, a be-foiled exerciser.

Pregnant Sluts Part 2

I've heard through the grapevine that my sister's talented and pregnant friend, Lissette, read the last post and has become a Pippi Picks Pregnant Pal.

Lissette, I am worried that you will not have enough strange and skanky gear to wear while you are preggers so I have picked out some special outfits for you.

First off, if you have to go to any birthday parties, I know exactly what you should wear:
Then you can be all like, "Honey, look what I got you for your birthday! A BABY. YES, I AM GIVING YOU A BABY and I have wrapped it in this bow." It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I also am a big believer that pregnant peeps can do whatever they want. Given that, if you go to a wedding I think that you should wear a wedding dress, too, just for fun.
Actually, you should really just go all the way and dress to impress the whole nine months.
Rock a gold lame sack!
Wear a blue...thing:
I mean, I suppose you could wear something kind of swanky :But why do that when you could romp around in a fringed handkerchief shirt?

Meanwhile, to be a TRUE pregnant slut, you need some strange maternity unders. This is what I think you should wear to the hospital when you go into labor:
Once the baby comes, you have to get a skanky nursing bra to intimidate the other moms:
Meanwhile, the picture below is freaking me out:Pippi's Fashion Rules for Pregnant Times:
1. Intimidate the other moms
2. Cut holes in your shirts so you can flash your tum
3. Wear a metallic lace body suit to the hospital to ensure that your doctor knows that you mean business.