Readers, my expert eye has been called to a new challenge: How can I help my friend Matt, a young law student?
I don't know what they "do" in "law school" but I think I have a plan for how Matt can be king of the school by using the power of my fine advice.
Matt, are you listening? Your future's in the bag here.
First off, you need to come in to class wearing something that will really wow your professors:
See, in stately robes you're telling Mr. Teach, "I get it. I empathize." Look at the way this model is holding those glasses. He's ready to EAT the law.
Another approach is to take it up a notch and switch to robes meant for ministers:
Your professors won't know why, but suddenly they'll be seeking out your advice! They'll feel the holy tentacles of your fine student-hood embracing them!
You can give the look that sexy sizzle by switching to white robes for exams:
At this point, the professors will HAVE to recognize that you are a true ANGEL of the law and will have to give you cash, jobs, and law prizes.
To make sure they get the message, add this "PIMP" dogtag to your look:
As long as you're going to do that, you should probably carry a pimp cup, too:
At that point, you should also be wearing an iced-out watch:
Unless your professors are A-HOLES who don't know what a ACE OF THE LAW looks like, you will hear them say these things:
PROFESSOR: I have canceled your homework! Please take my job.
MATT: I love you too, professor.
PROF: You are good at law.
MATT: I know, I know.
PROF: I made a hot scones for you!
MATT: Can I play Scramble for a living?
PROF: Yes. Yes, you can. You look so good, I will support you and sponge bathe you.
Meanwhile, you can get this ring engraved with "Law School" instead of "Pesiri:"
To support you, I will wear this every day too.
For wearing a small bikini, I am awarding Coco the Pippi Picks 2007/2008 Special Squishy and Formerly Known as Nicole Austin Then Married Ice T Award.
Aha! Perfect! The fringe! Yes! More fringe!
I like to match my headband to my douche bag.
Even though I am honored, I also feel confused. Is "Pippi" the style of the shoe or the type of "twist?" What does this say about my personality and true heart-spirit?
Answer: Yes! Yes it is!
Here's what I learned about Pippi the ferret:
If you get too hot you can yell "SHALALA!" and free yourself from your frock revealing that OHHHHHHHHH, SNAP!!!!!!! YOU ARE WEARING A POLKA-DOT TUMMY-KINI UNDERNEATH!!!!!
Then you'll be all like, "Who's ready for a swim... IN THIS POOL OF JELLO?"
Man, Jello pools are hard to clean.
Poof!
Pricey poofs! Pow!
If you want to be animalistic like this model, you can pair it with a high-waisted skirt, too, and get booked for modeling jobs:
Next time I'm in high school I'm going to sneak onto the prom committee and suggest that the prom theme be "Hand Jobs."
Neutral! They're my brown loafers!
If you're like me, though, you only put out because you're into breakfast.
Breakfast Ho: Honey! Let go my boob and cook me a pancake!
I FEEL BETTER ALREADY!
DAMN YOU, NY GIANTS-FAVORING WINDS OF CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!
