The Perfect Bride

It's decided:

I have picked the perfect wedding outfit!

White feather coat:No pants!

Now he or she is never gonna leave you!
He or she is gonna be like, "I'm marrying the hottest bitch on the block. This wife has no pants."

MERRY FLEXMAS!

Merry Flexmas.

Two announcements:

1: This necklace is a tiny gold Madonna cone bra:
Second announcement:

I just watched a movie called "Santa with Muscles" starring Hulk Hogan. Hulk is a billionaire who gets amnesia, thinks he's Santa, and saves an orphanage.INCREDIBLE! INCREDIBLE MOVIE!!!!!

AND MILA KUNIS IS ONE OF THE ORPHANS!Big fuckin' deal, Mila.
I've met Santa too, you know.

AND HE GAVE ME AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF COCO AND ICE T!!!Framed it.

Stripper Heels Will Bring the Sex-y Mon-ey

I know I've picked stripper heels before but I feel about stripper heels the way prude-ass magazine editors feel about "classic trench coats" and "white button-downs" and other sad sack pieces of clothing:
LIKE A TAN TRENCH COAT, STRIPPER HEELS are AMERICAN CLASSICS! THEY GO WITH EVERYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET!!! THEY NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE!!!! BUY THEM ONCE, GIVE THEM TO YOUR GRANDSONS!!!!

The ones I've picked out for you are especially good because they have the word "SEXY" printed on them:And these ones will bring the sex-y mon-ey:
And this is my friend, Puffy Winky:
American. Classics. 4 real.

I WAS IN MIAMI, BITCH!!!!

OBVIOUSLY, I spent Thanksgiving ON SOUTH BEACH which was one of the greatest moves of all time.
I enjoyed all of the Thanksgiving classics: Cuban coffee! Beer! Chorizo and eggs! And I bought my very own t-shirt that says, "I'M IN MIAMI BITCH!" in rainbow letters.

A THANKSGIVING TRIUMPH!!

My Sir and I promised one another that no matter how drunk we got, we would not allow each other to get terrible tattoos. Just in case, though, I decided that if I needed a tattoo idea at-the-ready, my first choice would be to have a tattoo of a DELICIOUS GREEN PEA!

PIPPI (on the beach): PEAS ARE DELICIOUS! I will always love peas, so I will never be sad about my pea tattoo.
SIR: Pippi, don't get a tattoo on Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZ.
SIR: Phew, she's asleep. Now I can sneak off and get a tattoo of her face on my face.
[16 hours later]
SIR: Pippi, wake up! Look how much I care.
PIPPI: OMG! You look fantastique!!! Happy Thanksgiving. You were an ok boyfriend but the only way to prove you care is to tattoo my face on your whole face and now you are, like, a really good boyfriend.
SIR: OMG, Happy Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!

Here's some good advice from Cosmo magazine: If your boyfriend doesn't get a face tattoo, he doesn't love you!!!

Other Cosmo advice: If your boyfriend doesn't hire a plane to write, "OMG, GURLFRIEND, U R SOOO HOT!!" he doesn't love you!!!!!

OMG, my boyfriend did not do that. OMG!!! I have to C him L8ter!!!!! THat is super bad.

MEANWHILE, Now we're back and although I have no pea tattoo, I think this pea necklace is a tame alternative: Plus, it looks kind of like a bizarro vag with 6 clits.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Sneaky Socks

Deez socks look like sneaks!!!4 sure this is the invention of someone like me who wants to be in Jammies FULL TIME.
SOCK MAKER: Yeah, sure, sure coach, I've got all my gear.
COACH: JOHNSON!! ARE YOU WEARING YOUR JAMMIES TO THE GAME AGAIN??
SM: Uhhhh.
COACH: DAMNIT, KID!! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO STATE WITH YOU PLAYING GRAB-ASS AND JAMMIE PARTY??
SM: Uhhhhhhh. [Runs back to bed]

Work your jammie shoes!

Pippi Picks Nail Rings

I want you to start wearing these nails over your nails:And wear metal toenails over your toenails, too.

RAWR! I SCWATCHED U!! I SCWATCHED U WITH MY METAL TOENAILS, BIIIIIIITCH!!!!

Dick Problems

This girl is thinking:


"OH NO! WHERE'S MY DICK???"YOU LEFT IT AT MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT!!

From Etsy.com's "Weird" Category

Today I Picked two foxy Picks 4 U from Etsy.com's "Weird" category:

A NOSE WARMER, similar to a NOSE WIG, which I have been trying to promote for years with little success:My second pick is a CUSTOM BEARD that can be made to suit your face stylings:

WILL YOU CHOOSE A BROWN BEARD, BROWN BEARD?
WILL YOU CHOOSE RED, FIRECROTCH?
I think we ALL know the answer to that one.

Pippi Picks ShopFatal.com

Hi Friends,

OMG, so many things have happened lately we're going to have to chat for 300 hours! LOL ROFLMAO.

MEANWHILE, I think you should get a full wardrobe at website ShopFatal.com because they have ALL the lookz you need to COOK the streets with style:

Per esempio:
Darth Sweater: Stretchy Cat Hat:Prom Dress:And Tall Shoes to bottom it off:
A complete look! No more problems!

LIL LIL Picks LIL WAYNE

My magnificent cousin, LIL LILY, is deeply spiritually connected to LIL WAYNE, and she alerted me that her alter ego has his own shirt:

THE FRONT:THE BACK:
I GOT CAKE LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY!

HEY LIL LILY:
I GOT MOFUNGO LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY.

If You Is a Crook Then You Takin' It

Da Bootay!And if you got money you shakin' it.

New Year's Resolution

I was in Ohio this weekend for "the holidays" and my cousins (plus Bodacious Stephen) staged an intervention:

PIPPI: HI GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING?
COUSINS ETC: Things are in the shitter, Pippi.
PIPPI: HUH?
COUSINS ETC: There are major omissions on Pippi Picks: No Lady Gaga, and no updates on Tender Panda or Kat Von D. This is a big problem.
PIPPI: But teshuvah, tzedakah, and tequila can reduce the severity of the decree?
COUSINS ETC: You have also never mentioned mytattoosucks.com.
PIPPI: I promise I will Pick mytattoosucks.com before Yom Kippur.

Now my repentance: This website has only a few bad tattoos, but some are very emotional and moving, like this one:And some, instead of sucking, are AMAZING, like this guy:
I've known whih tattoo I'm getting for a long time:
It's going to say "I LOVE TO FLIRT, I LIVE TO FLIRT" across my tramp stamp.

Option 2: "MY GRANDPARENTS WENT TO FLORIDA AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID TRAMP STAMP."

Someday, someday.

The East Village Changes A Man

Big news at Pippi Picks Studios (PPS): Myself and Boyflame have moved homes and now live in a NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, the newfangled EAST VILLAGE.

LOOK, GUYS, a lot of things have changed around here. Now that I live in the East Village, I'M much BETTER LOOKING and I know I've never felt this before, but NOW WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND DESIGN LEATHERGOODS, AKA what I'm going to do is web design for an ad agency until it's time to have a kid.

Also, as soon as we moved, things have really changed for BOYF and I:

WE'VE STARTED WEARING LEATHER SHORTS all the time:
AND WE'VE STOPPED WEARING LACES:
AND WE DON'T NEED THEM, BUT WE BOTH GOT EYEGLASSES:AND SPIKEY JEWELS:AND WE'VE BEEN COVERING OUR FACES WITH BIG DOTS, AND SOMETIMES WOLVES:


LOOK, GUYS, YOU JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE HERE IN THE VILLAGE.

BODACIOUS STEPHEN

I just got an email from STEPHEN, who is a BODACIOUS and SLAMMIN' man, A MAN UNAFRAID TO VOMIT BEHIND A FRIENDLY'S and he had some important things to share:

1. Pictures of people wearing food.
2. Pictures of zippered things.

I was really relieved to see that this tattooed lady found the meatballs she was looking for:I also feel spiritually inspired by these Kale Earrings, AKA KEARRINGS, because they are both FLATTERING, NUTRITIOUS, AND SANITARY:Meanwhile, this model is fed up and not going to take it anymore. We've all been there: Sometimes you want some tummy time and nothing should stop you:

Also, FYI: This shoe is hiding another guy's shoe:
S-EAKER, I applaud you. Also, I love you because you are a special guy.

Rose Picks Piperlime

Pippi Surprise!
I got a reader tip from ROSE who was my biology lab partner in HIGH SCHOOL! Now THIS is very nice. We made jokes while we were dissecting animals and now we have made another joke Lo, these many years later.

ROSE sent me her top Picks from the web site Piperlime, which sells shoes and things.

ROSE PICKS these fringy sandals:
And these cage shoes:

Rose explained that these are cages "for when your feet have been very very bad." I suppose if they poop where they're not supposed to, etc.

I would like to add my additional Pippi Piperlime Picks:

These clonkers:

And whatever this is:This goes to show that high school bio teaches students lots of useful skills, like picking fringed and clonky things, and keeping their limbs in line.

GREG Picks: Soda Protection

Once again, I've fallen WAY behind on Reader Picks.

Readers, if you're reading this, I appreciate and cherish your Picks and I'm going to get off my duff and get them on the site soon, just as soon as I can tear myself away from my seltzer machine and stop doing all the important work I have to do, like watching reruns of The Biggest Loser and cooking in the nude and other things.

For starters, here is a picture that was sent to me by loyal reader GREG:He offered the following insight:

"if you have seltzer everywhere, you're going to need to wear this. (for protection)"

WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

In her comment on the last post, Hanno raised a good point: WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

This is a question that speaks to my own life because last night, WITHOUT WARNING, my boyflea's mom MAILED US A SODASTREAM SELTZER MAKER!!!!IT SITS ON OUR COUNTER AND CARBONATES THINGS ALL DAY LONG!!!!! It's hard to explain why fizzy water is so much more magical and delicious than regular water, but I think the French understand. You can ask them and they'll probably tell you to bouef or something.

In a hasty move, after I discovered the fizzy gift we had received, I called my #1 boyfriend's parents' house and when his dad answered we had the following conversation:

DAD: You've never called this number before...
PIPPI: I'M CALLING BECAUSE TODAY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED!!
DAD: [Disturbed silence]
PIPPI: YOU SENT A SODA MACHINE IN THE MAIL!!!!
DAD: Huh?
PIPPI: HUH?
DAD: I thought you were calling to tell me you're pregnant.
PIPPI: I THINK THAT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING.

Now, MIND YOU, this particular Dad is of the cowboy variety, one who famously speaks softly and reserves his zingers for only the inner circle, adding to the mystique of such classic lines as, "Well, I don't know about that," and "Hug it out, bitch."

BECAUSE OF THIS, yelling about soda to him, and inciting a false pregnancy scare was exponentially more delightful than had I called to yell about soda and pregnancy scare some other guy, and for this I think yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

In honor of Sawbones and the stress I put his through, I suggest we all wear chaps when carbonating things:I anticipate these chaps would get a major mustache twitch (high disdain).

Bad Cop is Back

CHRIST!

What the hell happened??
I have been off the grid but now am sadly back on the grid and prepared to pick more PICKS.

I'm out of shape so let's start slowly:

To welcome me back, I'd like you to wear this combination prison stripe/ballerina dress:
Slutz in the house, please feel free to pair with giant heels:Bad cop is back, ho-bags.

Wedding Mania MEGAPOST

Big news, y'all: 2, yes, TWO of my coworkers have recently gotten engaged and have asked me to marry them AKA recommend wedding gowns.

DON'T WORRY, COWORKERS! NO NEED TO CALL OFF THE WEDDINGS! I WILL HELP WITH THIS EXCELLENT SELECTION OF WEDDING PICKS!!!

Luckily, these Bridez happen to be especially fine, intelligent, capable, and good-hearted women and their Groomz are both especially fine, endearing, grounded, and good-hearted dudes THUS these are HAPPY weddings, not SAD, STRANGE weddings, which I am sure many of you have been to.

TO CELEBRATE, my engagement gift to these pairs is a POST of PICKS to ensure that they have EXCELLENT, FERTILE, and, ROBUST WEDDINGS.

AS WE DISCUSSED, a good wedding dress is like a good mullet: Short in front and flowing train in the back:
For the slutz in the crowd, may I also recommend this version:
Of course, you could also go in the other direction and rock a professional white jumpsuit with hat and bowtie:
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, ok. I think we all know that a leopard dress with muff and Santa Hat is both classic and reverent:
There's also nothing wrong with doing a lot of coke, breaking into a department store, and skipping the wedding, like the bride below did:
If you love your ass as much as I love mine, you might want to work it in a mini with ass-enhancers:
If you are really sleepy, this dress comes with a built-in neck pillow:
MEANWHILE, some cultures celebrate weddings in RED, not WHITE, and I think you should look into that, especially if that means you end up wearing this:
If you're trying to hide your feet from your fiancee, cover them up with this foot poof:
Personally, I think you should ditch the white, do head-to-toe sequins and show up at the aisle like, "BA-BAM! MARRY ME NOW, DICK-BAG!:"
"I'M HOT AS A DISCO BALL, BAY-BAY!"
If you want my honest opinion, I think you should wear a golden sheath with shag padding:
My coworker, LIZ, of Snuggie/Slanket fame, mentioned that she wants to wear sleeves on her wedding day. I kind of like the idea of sleeves and no pants:
Of course, not as much as I like the idea of surprising your groom at the huppah in a giant Ursula costume:
AND NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE THIS WEDDING OUTFIT:
Ok, enough hemming and hawing! DRUMROLL, PLEASE for the PIPPI PICKS 2009 TOP WEDDING PICK FOR 2010!!!
MY TOP PICK FOR 2009/2010 IS....PEACOCK WITH GOLF CLUBS!!!
WAIT, BRIDES!!!
GAME NOT OVER!!!
YOU NEED YOUR BRIDAL SHOES!!

Liz, in your honor, I have found these bejeweled shoes:
Rachel, in your honor I have found these star heels, because you're gonna exclusion them with inciders:
For both ladiezz: My top pick is these shoes, WHICH COME WITH THEIR OWN TINY VEIL! JUST THINK, EVEN THE SHOES ARE FILLED WITH BRIDAL MODESTY AND NAIVETE!!!!
I MEAN, you could also just go with zebra shoes:
What's most important is that your heels are very, very high so that you look like a towering, bridal monster!

The fear in your guests hearts can be off-set by a glittering quinceanera tiara!
Of course, don't step into that bridal booth without big Beyonce jewels!!"YOU LIKE IT AND DID, IN FACT, PUT A RING ON IT!" was the working chorus.

ANY QUESTIONS???
I THINK THIS COVERS IT.

Now your wedding planning is done and you can go back to making me grandchildren.

SEE YOU IN VEGAS!!!!
For more wedding planning advice, CLICK HERE for the Pippi Picks BRIDES archives
for info about:
-- Fabulous Casual
-- More wedding dress picks
--Target wedding gowns
-- Motley Crue Weddings
-- Upstaging the bride
-- Pregnant slutz
-- Complete wedding plan

AND OF COURSE, YOU CAN ALWAYS PULL A PANDA:
[yes, a picture of panda anderson on wedding day]