NYE Do-Over

Hold on, hold on!!

SCRATCH what I said before about what you should wear on New Year's Eve!
THIS is what you should wear on NYE:
And cut your head off so you look like this mannequin.
No! Unsafe!! Unsanitary!!! Sad!!!
OMG!!! How will this mannequin french at midnight????

Friends, I hope you french 20 strangers this NYE!
May your love be as pure as the love between Panda Anderson and Kid Rock:What a special Panda!!!

Plan Ahead for NYE

I'm not really sure what this is, but I think you should wear it on New Year's Eve:You can wear it with your clogs so everyone will hear you walking around!
Clop, clop, clop!
"Here's comes a pants-less horse!!" they'll yell.

You can yell, "NEIGH!" or "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" or whatever you want.

And you can top it all off with a classic New Year's Hat!
Wear two hats: Your indoor hat......and your outside hat:Lookin' fine.

How to Fuck with Your Kids

If your kids want a dog but you don't want a dog......get them these shoes instead:

Your dumbass kids won't even know the difference. You'll be like, "Did you walk the dog today?" and they'll be like, "Yeah. He peed."
That's when you'll realize that your kids have really pulled a fast one.
"We taught this dog to sit," they'll say, or "I'm taking the dog in for show and tell."

When they turn 21, you can sit them down and say, "You know how our dog has lived much longer and with fewer health problems than your friends' childhood dogs?" and they'll say, "Yeah..." That's when you can say, "Honeys, I got you a shoe for a pet as a child," and they'll say, "I freakin' love you, mom. You knew just what to do."

A few days later, they'll come back to you to ask: "What were we doing at the vet all those times?" and that's when you'll drop the real bomb:
"Your father is a cat."

Greg Picks Teva Stilettos

My friend, GREG, has found the perfect holiday shoe for you: TEVA STILETTOS:I can't.... I mean...
I mean, there's really only one appropriate thing to say about these Tevas:
"I'LL TAKE ONE IN EACH COLOR, PLEASE!!"
Props to Greg and The Consumerist for knowing a good thing when they saw it.

Also, props to The Gloss for tackling the most important holiday instruction list, "7 Places to Wear Your Teva Stilettos."
Here's Pippi's list of "7 Days You Should Wear Your Teva Stilettos:"

1. Monday
2. Tuesday
3. Wednesday
4. Thursday
5. Friday
6. Saturday
7. Sunday

AND Pippi's list of "7 Places to Wear Your Teva Stilettos:"

1. EVERYWHERE!!!!
2. EVERYWHERE!!!!
3. EVERYWHERE!!!!
4. EVERYWHERE!!!!
5. EVERYWHERE!!!!
6. EVERYWHERE!!!!
7. EVERYWHERE!!!!

You know what to do.

Bona Drag Picks Druid Hood, Etc

I have just been won over by the Bona Drag Boutique, because there are lots of things there that I don't understand, including:

Arm Chains?Something called a "Druid Hood:"A SEE-THRU WEDDING DRESS!And, best of all, a NO PANTS SITUATION!!!!These buyers have been following my advice carefully, I see.

Heavy Metal

You neck is going to be TIREDD!!!

Pippi Picks Thigh Tattoos

This week, I want you to get a thigh tattoo.
COME oN! Do it!!!! It will be so fun!!!!!

The best thing about thigh tattoos is that people can only see them when you're not wearing pants, which I hope is all the time. A TATTOO FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WEAR PANTS!!! THAT SHOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOU!!!!

Then you'll be part of a special no-pants crowd. Thigh tattoos are especially great for:

SWIMSUIT MODELS!! YESS!! They NEVER have to wear pants. In fact, they CAN'T wear pants. PANTS? NO CHANCE.
Just think: YOU'LL LOOK LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE!! She has a thigh tattoo and she looks GREAT.If you have a job where you need to not wear pants, your tattoo will be especially handy. Lady Gaga is the CEO of No Pants and she understands this. She ran right out the door to get a thigh tattoo:You could be the next Lady Gaga, bro!!!
Just take your pants off and get to WORK.

Here's the thigh tattoo that I'm going to get today:AM I TOO LATE??????????
Once a year, my thigh will know just what to say.

Pippi Sez: Good Idea, Bad Name

Oh. That's a good idea: ear plug earrings for your ear holes:The only bad thing about these is that they have a terrible name: "Ladybuds." Sounds wrong. Sounds like something euphemistic somebody might say to a tween to teach her about puberty. Bad name for earrings.

NEW NAME: Ear Stuffers. Double Stuffs. Muff Stuffers? Much better.

'Tis the Season

This is what I'm getting you for Christmas:

ANONYMOUS Picks Golden Shorts

Many thanks to "Anonymous," who wrote a very friendly and nice comment on the last post. What a nice guy, girl, or other! "Anon" also came through BIG TIME and picked these fine, golden, frilly shortS:From the front, the shorts are strange. From the back... the shorts have a see-through mesh panel.From either side, these shorts are $2,680. WERF. IT. Nice work, Anonymous!

Pippi Picks Christina Aguilera's Sandwich Ring

At first I was like, "WHAT is THIS?"Then I realized that it's a ring that connects your thumb and index figure.
So that it looks like you are constantly holding a sandwich.

Then I realized: CHRISTINA AGUILERA KNOWS WHAT'S UP!!! CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS WEARING PERMANENT SANDWICH JEWELRY!!
CLICK HERE to buy your own sandwich ring!

Click here to buy your own sandwich!

PLEASE Wear This

Please, PLEASE wear this shirt on your next date:You will LIGHT FIRES with your hotttt boddyyyy.
It also comes in pink:I want one.
Wouldn't life be great if the only clothes in your closet were that green shirt, the pink shirt, and this dress?And maybe a pair of rollerblades.

NP, NS

HOO! If I had this sweater, I'd be SET!I'd go cruising around with NP, NS (No Pants, No Shirt). And big boots:Oh, or maybe these ones, which come with their own hair:

Pippi Finds the Money Shot

I don't know what happened, but today I got obsessed with looking at actors' headshots:WHY?
WHY SO STRANGE?
There's just something... strange.
Sometimes, it's weird because you can hear the person saying, "Mom, my theater teachers love me! I'm going to move to LA!"Sometimes, it's weird because the person is making a face that you have never seen before:Sometimes, it's awkward, because they actor looks skeezy when it seems like they were trying for "sensual:"Sometimes, it feels awkward because it's like the photo is going in for the kiss and you're all like, "I DON'T LIKE YOU THAT WAY!!! WE'RE JUST LAB PARTNERS!!!!"But, sometimes, just sometimes, it all comes together and you get the money shot:OOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!
I would cast him for ANYTHING!!!!!!
I would cast his TURTLENECK if he was unavailable!!!!!!!!

Big Shoulders, Big Shoes

Gurl, how come all your shirts don't have shoulder pads??You should drefinitely werk that!!!!! And get some real tall shoes to get those shoulders UPP!!!! UP to the ROOFE!!!Mama SAID there'd be days like this.

JWOW Launches FILTHY COUTURE

YES!
Jenni Farley, AKA JWOW from Jersey Shore, finally has her own clothing line! FINALLY!
This is called the "Feathers Top:"I am very proud of JWOW for starting this beautiful clothing line BUT I am MOST PROUD of her name for the line: FILTHY COUTURE!

Here are my suggestions for spin-off fashion lines:
NASTY HATS!

FANCY CREEPS

CROTCHLESS COUTURE

CROTCH-HAT MANURE

FILTH-CROTCH ALLURE

SEXY RATS

RATS IN CROTCHLESS HATS COUTURE

This JWow is a woman after my own crotchless heart.
Work that chain bikini!
Also, check out the website: All the models kind of look like JWow.

Y'all are LUCKY I don't have a clothing line where all the models wore what I wore and looked like me because it would look like THIS:
PANDA PARTY!!!!!

Werd

Werd:Blar blar blar.

Pippi Picks Legs

This Valentines Day, Love Your Legs!
Legslegslegslegslegslegslegs!

This Valentine's Day, Eat EGGS!!!!!!
This Valentine's Day.......GROW EXTRA LEGS!!!!!

Where the Wild Clothes Are

Spike Jonze made "Where the Wild Things Are," which OF COURSE I didn't see (because, as you know, I'm waaaay to busy drinking Tecate and watching Tool Academy to go to the movies).

ALso, that movie seemed boring. No fight scenes. No car scenes. No point.
THEN, Spike Jonze did something better: He made "Where the Wild Clothes Are."YES, you can buy these clothes. Click Here to buy these furry clothes!
PLEASE BUY THESE FURRY CLOTHES FOR YOUR WILD MOM FOR MOM'S DAY!!
I KNOW SHE WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A WILD MOM!!!

What are these guys called? I read that book a long time ago. All I can remember is that there was a guy named Max in that book.

PIPPI'S REVIEW OF WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (based on memories):
There is a lot of gray. Max is a kid and he's upset about his parents or something. He's standing in the other room. Then he's on an island with lots of plumes. There's some rhyming. The wild things jump and shout I think and then Max feels emotionally liberated. Things don't change that much at home.

Something is Wrong

This looks like hair:

Pippi Picks Playoff Beards 2010

How many cousins do I have? I have 100,000 cousins. You've heard of Haute Hank (of course) and Lil Lil, and also many others, and by now you know that something went WRONG with our great grandpere because we got ALL THE BEST GENES and THERE WERE NONE FOR ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. THE REST OF THE WORLD IS LIKE, "UHHHH. HOW ARE WE GONNA DO STUFF, HAUTE HANK'S GENES ARE MADE OUT OF DIAMOND SCONES."

Meanwhile, my family runs the internet. And sports. To combine all the things we are the boss of, two more cousins, one a sea captain and one the founder of the band Amethyst, have started growing playoff beards on the internet to help the Cavs win the playoffs. As you can see, they have a long way to go:

This is the sea captain:And this is the man who brought us the music of Amethyst:You know what they say: "No beards is good beards." But that was another time.

I can't grow my own Playoff Beard so in solidarity, I'm going to wear a beard wig.
This one, perhaps?
Or how about gray beard?
Or this guy?This beard kind of makes me want to barf:
GOOD LUCK, COUSINS!!!!!!!!!
FOLLOW THEIR PROGRESS AT www.playoffbeards2010.blogspot.com!