Pippi Picks Shades for You and Hamwich

It's slexy summer time and to celebrate I want you to wear sunglasses every day. OF YOUR LIFE.
To make it easier, these come in a range of tantalizing colors including "Clear."

Of course, whenever I buy sunglasses I break them within 10 minutes. That's why I never buy sunglasses that cost more than $10. That way, I pay around a dollar a minute for my shades. That seems like a fair price.

Most of the sunglonks on Fantas-eyes.com are under $20. That means that for the price of a very overpriced taco you can:
Wear sunglasses with a built-in striped unibrow:
Wear sunglasses with a distracting rhinestone strip on the lens:Protect your eyes! Every day FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. EVEN WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING. EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN A DARK CLOSET WITH A SPECIAL FRIEND, HAMWICH. MAKE HAMWICH WEAR SHADES, TOO.

SHISTERY?

I don't really know what's going on here:
This daring yellow rope will show the world that you don't care about anything, not even keeping your shoes attached to your feet.

Meanwhile, while others are helping the elderly and excitedly calling each other about the facinating article in the most recent issue of Daedalus, I just spent about 40 minutes trying to read the words on the footbed of this shoe.

Possibilities:
1. LIUEF
2. MNN
3. PA MIE
4. MIN

READERS: What do you think these words mean? What are they telling us?
Here is my best guess. I'm going to use each word in a sentence:

"I LIEUFED my double MNN and then the PA MIE went MIN on me."

ALSO: For the record, there are flowers and a girl printed on the shoe as well. Clues?

Pippi vs Ladies: Pippi Wins

You know how for a while all those little ladies were wearing those huge chain necklaces?
They kept getting bigger and bigger, right?
I'm going to one up them so hard:Next mission: Find sunglasses with lenses bigger than my head.

Jean Shorts

What I really want right now are tiny, tiny, white jean shorts:

I want my ass to hang out the bottom.
Ideally, I would wear nothing else. If guests come over, though, I'll slip into something more comfortable:
Question: Is it possible to be TOO beautiful? I think I may be having that problem.

Grocery Shox!!

Look! These are grocery bags!
Don't these make grocery shopping seem...thrilling?
You could play catch with fruits and vongetables.
Vongetables is French for "lettuces."
Oui!

Why Didn't I Own This During My Raver Days?

Holy shit. This nail polish and lip gloss go on clear and show up UNDER BLACKLIGHTS.
Do you understand the importance of this product??
Finally, nail polish that matches your blacklight tattoo!
Finally, lip gloss appropriate for a rave!
I am so happy.
I can't explain these feelings I have inside.

Put a Hat on Your Tits

When you wear this out and people ask what it is say, "IT'S A TIT HAT!"
Then hold out your hand and say, "KISS MY RING!!!!!!!"
This bitch is not impressed:

She's wearing something that the website calls a "Monkey Shirt."

The Worst Movie of All Time is Revealed

I know, I know. I'm always trying to get you to wear squishy sacks.
HOWEVER, don't you want to put this on RIGHT NOW?

C'mon, right? Then you can be all like, "Bring me my squishy hat" and "I'm going to go lie down in this hammock now, thank you" and "'My Boss' Daughter,' starring Tara Reid and Ashton Kutcher, WAS THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, EVEN WORSE THAN THE RACIST TRAIN WRECK 'BRINGIN' DOWN DA HOUSE.'"
I'll drink to that, mmm.

Golden Bags

Have you ever gone to a Thai restaurant and ordered "Golden Bags?"
This is the apparel equivalent:
Main differences:
Golden Bags are about $4. This golden bag is $2,315.
HOWEVER, they are both fried and they both can be enjoyed with friends.
Don't enjoy them TOO much. You might get burned.
Burned?
Hmm.
You might get... full of bags.

I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question: Why is this bride smiling?
BECAUSE SHE JUST BOUGHT HER WEDDING DRESS AT TARGET, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE CAN BUY AT TARGET???
THIS $3,000 RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE CAN BUY AT TARGET?
2 EARRINGS FOR $8!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHE CAN BUY AT TARGET?
THIS $20 BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU, WORLD!!!!!!!!
I BOUGHT MY WEDDING AT TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!
I BOUGHT MY CAR AT TARGET!!!!!!!!
I'M GOING TO MED SCHOOL AT TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!
THESE TRISCUITS ARE FROM TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M OPENING A TARGET!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRIDAL-THEMED TARGET PARTY!!!!!!!!!!
Go to!

I do, Target! U do too? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet. Let's go have a hot dog. Yes, they're kosher. DO you want mustard on yours? No? That's ok. How much for this gazebo? $340? Throw it in the cart.

I Know Someone Who Tried Catfood Once and Said it was "Fine."

This shirt has fake chains on it:
I like my shirts like I like my men: Kind of dumb.

Show Your Gams

It's really June now and it's about to be that time of year when I start strategizing about how little I can wear and still be considered dressed. Having to wear clothes in the summer is cruel and unusual.
Luckily, it is totally legit to wear a dress. Dresses are like being fake-dressed: You can wave your sweaty pits around, air out your rack, and flash your fine, fine gams.

I think this dress is a good example of what I'm talking about:
Look how high up on her thighs it is! Would you say she was not dressed, though? No. You would say she was wearing a dress. Then you would say, "Is that her real hair or a wig?" Then you would start to feel annoyed that you were wearing pants in 90-degree weather while she got to wave her gams around.

Meanwhile: This dress is
A. Purdy
B. A bra with extra cloth. Perfect!
This last dress is upsetting me:
I am weirdly drawn to it but it is so... ugly. Also, it has an upsetting neck brace thing. No matter, though.
That's what summer's all about, right? Gams, Rack, and Ugly.
Ooh. That's what my band is going to called.

I Would Dump My Boyfriend for this Necklace

If you are single, I have the perfect outfit for you to use to pick up A+ babes.

First, you should find a dinner party being held by a friend who conspicuously didn't invite you because you "are a lush, try to show everyone your nipple rings, and wear perfume that smells like ass sweat."
Then you should wear this necklace:

And this bracelet:First, lock eyes with the person you want to bag. If the host took you into the kitchen and said, "If you are going to stay, please, for the love of cod, don't hit on my friend _____," you should be sure the pick that person.

Next you should point at your necklace and nod meaningfully. Then you should mouth, "Available." Then you should say, loudly, "AVAILABLE."
Then you should wave your bracelet in the air and say, "Let's make love, my darling." If that doesn't work, pretend to look at your watch. Then say, "Time for a rim job!" That will work.

See? Now you've bagged a fox.

Pippi Picks Your Ties

Wearing a tie made of cotton jersey is kind of brilliant. When you dip your shit in your soup you can say, "OHH HELLBALLS" and then just throw your tie in the washing machine. These are on sale for 20 clams:
While you're at it, you should probably throw me in the washer, too, because I am working on a good stink right now.
Also, the teal tie is clearly my favorite, but you can wear the white one if you get in a bind. You can wear the green one if you get in the army.

This Napkin Holder Cost More Than My Implants

Dear person unironically considering buying this $137 crystal napkin holder,
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

Bag w/Mystery Print

Hi, Friends.
I am back from the wedding/funeral/circle of life extravaganza and am back in your humble service.
In a post-funeral haze, I recommend this bag that has a mysterious print on it:
Just like me, Sir Pippi, it is both cute and slightly melancholy!