OK - here's what I don't understand:
When I was in high school, I wore high heels all the time and went CHARGING AROUND, UNFAZED , UP AND DOWN HILLS.
My "regulars" had wooden heels and straps, a little like these:
How?
Did I have glue in my shoe? (note to self: set aside "glue in shoe" for name of next hit song/title of autobiography).
See, if I tried to do that now it would go like this:
[Pippi puts on big heels]PIPPI: HOLY SLUTZ IN THE MANGER, GET THIS HELL-TRAPTION OFF MY TENDER TOEZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Ma'am, the mic is on.
PIPPI: D'oh!
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: And you better keep those heels on, I paid $150,000 for them.
PIPPI: DAMN YOU, RNC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's the next mystery:
Since I started my new job and started wearing prissy office clothes, I have been hit by a craving to wear gigantic, white, platform heels in the style of slutty angel halloween costume:
Here's why:
On my morning subway commute during hideous rush hour, I always end up with my face in another communter's fragrant pit, clawing for a space on the hand-bar. I want shoes that will take me high up to the air at the top of the car!
I want to be able to see their bald spots!
I want to reach for the sky!
Below you will find my picks for Platform Tall White Sluts-to-a-Heaven-Cloud Shoes (PTWSTAHCS) that will lift us above the fray:
TAKE ME HIGHER!!!!!!!
YOU NAUGHTY SECRETARY, YOU! SEE YOU IN HEAVEN'S LUNCH ROOM!!!!!!!!
HOW DID THESE ONES WITH BLACK STRIPES GET IN HERE??
SOME KIND OF HEAVEN-ERROR.
NOTE: I do not actually think these shoes are tall enough to reach the actual heaven lobby. Back to the lab.
PS: For all in suspense: YES - THE WEDDING WAS GRRRRRREAT!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO FRICKIN' FUN!!!!!!!!!! HAUTE HANK was there in full glory, the bride and groom made loving eyes at each other, and me and my uncles peer-pressured my mom into taking a shot of tequila. SUCCESSFUL MATRIMONIAL EVENT!!!!!!!!!
Friar massage. 
Then I saw that they had honored my previous CROTCH PANTS POST by selling big-crotched pants:
Things took a twisted turn when I realized that they also sold hair balls:
On the site, they are really called "hair balls" and they are sold for $275. WERF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a picture of a model brushing out her hair necklace:
Here is a picture of a model wearing hair earrings, AKA "hair-rings," "herrings."
All of the hair jewelry is made of real human hair which is good - FINALLY, some F-DAMN STRAIGHT TALK ABOUT HAIR JEWELRY. I am SO CROTCHETY SICK OF PEOPLE TRYING TO PASS OFF THEIR FAKE-HAIR JEWELRY AS IF IT WAS MADE OF REAL HUMAN HAIR.
Hair has approved this message.
They also sell fantasticly yak-looking furry vests. YAK ATTACK!!!!!!! NO NEED 4 SHIRTS W/FUR ON BOOBZ!!
Other models have cast away their pants:
They also sell everyday wear like this jewel and feather dress:
What's really freaking me out, though, is that the model below is wearing a poncho with THE SAME PRINT AS A GYPSY SCARF DRESS-UP OUTFIT MY SISTERS' AND I HAD AS CHILDREN!!! WHY IS THIS MODEL USING TIME MACHINES AND STEALING FROM MY PAST!!!!! DOESN'T SHE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN USE TIME MACHINES TO STEAL FROM CHILDREN??????
In other news, isn't the "plum" dress below very tasteful?
See, now that I'm employed, I use words like "tasteful" and "splendid!" as in "what a tasteful and splendid file cabinet!"
The diaper is going to draw eyes to you like bbeez 2 honey so keep it quiet and classy up top with this little shirt:
You can cover up with this gold-splashed jacket when the prudes come calling:
I also think you should carry this boombox purse WHICH PLAYS MUSIC OUT OF ITS SPEAKERS and blast Danity Kane:
Ok, you're dressed.
She is a beast!! I love her!!!! She got her labia tattooed!!!!! Her entire head is tattooed!!!!!! She has tattoos of dicks on her chest!!!!!! Girl knows how to party.
