White Heels to Heaven

OK - here's what I don't understand:
When I was in high school, I wore high heels all the time and went CHARGING AROUND, UNFAZED , UP AND DOWN HILLS.
My "regulars" had wooden heels and straps, a little like these:How?
Did I have glue in my shoe? (note to self: set aside "glue in shoe" for name of next hit song/title of autobiography).

See, if I tried to do that now it would go like this:
[Pippi puts on big heels]
PIPPI: HOLY SLUTZ IN THE MANGER, GET THIS HELL-TRAPTION OFF MY TENDER TOEZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Ma'am, the mic is on.
PIPPI: D'oh!
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: And you better keep those heels on, I paid $150,000 for them.
PIPPI: DAMN YOU, RNC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the next mystery:
Since I started my new job and started wearing prissy office clothes, I have been hit by a craving to wear gigantic, white, platform heels in the style of slutty angel halloween costume:Here's why:
On my morning subway commute during hideous rush hour, I always end up with my face in another communter's fragrant pit, clawing for a space on the hand-bar. I want shoes that will take me high up to the air at the top of the car!
I want to be able to see their bald spots!
I want to reach for the sky!

Below you will find my picks for Platform Tall White Sluts-to-a-Heaven-Cloud Shoes (PTWSTAHCS) that will lift us above the fray:

TAKE ME HIGHER!!!!!!!
YOU NAUGHTY SECRETARY, YOU! SEE YOU IN HEAVEN'S LUNCH ROOM!!!!!!!!HOW DID THESE ONES WITH BLACK STRIPES GET IN HERE??
SOME KIND OF HEAVEN-ERROR.
NOTE: I do not actually think these shoes are tall enough to reach the actual heaven lobby. Back to the lab.

PS: For all in suspense: YES - THE WEDDING WAS GRRRRRREAT!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO FRICKIN' FUN!!!!!!!!!! HAUTE HANK was there in full glory, the bride and groom made loving eyes at each other, and me and my uncles peer-pressured my mom into taking a shot of tequila. SUCCESSFUL MATRIMONIAL EVENT!!!!!!!!!