Yah Mo Gonna Spike You

MAN, these rings would really help me out:I know a few people I'd like to spike...

It would be like in cartoon Robin Hood when Prince John gets his butt on a spike and goes, "WHOOOOO!!!!!" all the way up in the air!!

I'd be walking through crowds in NYC and you'd just see people flying up like popcorn as I spiked their butts!!!!

OOO DE LOLLLY!!!!!!!!

Boss Shoes and Pippi's Pet FEEVE

Boss:So boss!
For all you S&M boos out there, now you can beat the snow AND your Valentine in the same shoes!PS:
I have been watching the Olympics and the announcers are doing my PET FEEVE! A Pet Feeve is the opposite of a Pet Peeve: It is a things that is a Pet Favorite.
My Pet Feeve is when people measure things using "Football Fields" instead of miles or feet. FANTASTIC! A true FEEVE of mine!
"Each year, Americans eat 100 billion hot dogs - that's 1,000 football fields of hot dogs!"
and at the Olympics:
"This course is nearly two football fields of treacherous ice!"
"This likable Norwegian has the kind of stroke on the course I'd run five football fields to see."
Or:
"When I won this event in '52, I celebrated by titty-fucking 1,000 women - that's enough boobs to fill nearly six football fields!"

Snexy Foxy CLAM JAMS! Just in time for V-Day!

Today was a snow day in NYC and to celebrate, my fine coworker, LIZ, emailed me something incredible:
THE HOODIE FOOTIE SNUGGLE SUIT!

I want to start combining all my other clothes, too. Unders + Pajamas + Sandwiches + HAMS = THE HAMMIE SAMMIE UNDER JAM!!!

Until production on Hammie Sammie Under Jams begins, you can buy a Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit from a website with the best name ever, PAJAMAGRAM.COM.
A JAMMIE VALUE SET!

Pippi Picks The Windmill Club

As you know, here at Pippi Picks we talk a lot of shit but don't get a lot done.
MEANWHILE, various friends of mine like to do things like "projects," "starting companies," and other tomfoolery. One of these friends, the funny and levelheaded KEVIN, has started his own fashion line (!). ! It is called The Windmill Club and his target market is men who are kind of slutty, drink a lot, and don't wear pants. Wait - that's my target market. Sorry, Kev-o.

To get started, he has made a line of beautiful ties! Yes, ties! To keep necks on!Unfortunately, he plucked my loyal companion, (AKA my boyfrieeeenndd!!!) to be one of his fashion models! Now the company is doomed!

Can you spot my boyxxxfriend in the video? Hint: He is the one wearing this tie: and this tie:and, like Carmen Sandiego, he is in a car flying a green, black, and yellow flag.

Here is a video of men in ties:

Windmill Club AW 2009 from Buffalo Picture House on Vimeo.

NOW GET OFF YOUR DAMN DUFFS AND GO BUY KEVIN'S TIES!!!

Click here to join "the club."

Show Your Crotch in 2010

Hi friends!
Happy Jew Year!

You know what I like about high-waisted jeans? They really show off the crotch.
Just think: When your kids are grown, you can say: "THis is a picture of me when I was your age. And this is the outline of my crotch."Camel Ho.
Camel what?

No, but seriously.

The Perfect Bride

It's decided:

I have picked the perfect wedding outfit!

White feather coat:No pants!

Now he or she is never gonna leave you!
He or she is gonna be like, "I'm marrying the hottest bitch on the block. This wife has no pants."

MERRY FLEXMAS!

Merry Flexmas.

Two announcements:

1: This necklace is a tiny gold Madonna cone bra:
Second announcement:

I just watched a movie called "Santa with Muscles" starring Hulk Hogan. Hulk is a billionaire who gets amnesia, thinks he's Santa, and saves an orphanage.INCREDIBLE! INCREDIBLE MOVIE!!!!!

AND MILA KUNIS IS ONE OF THE ORPHANS!Big fuckin' deal, Mila.
I've met Santa too, you know.

AND HE GAVE ME AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF COCO AND ICE T!!!Framed it.

Stripper Heels Will Bring the Sex-y Mon-ey

I know I've picked stripper heels before but I feel about stripper heels the way prude-ass magazine editors feel about "classic trench coats" and "white button-downs" and other sad sack pieces of clothing:
LIKE A TAN TRENCH COAT, STRIPPER HEELS are AMERICAN CLASSICS! THEY GO WITH EVERYTHING IN YOUR CLOSET!!! THEY NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE!!!! BUY THEM ONCE, GIVE THEM TO YOUR GRANDSONS!!!!

The ones I've picked out for you are especially good because they have the word "SEXY" printed on them:And these ones will bring the sex-y mon-ey:
And this is my friend, Puffy Winky:
American. Classics. 4 real.

I WAS IN MIAMI, BITCH!!!!

OBVIOUSLY, I spent Thanksgiving ON SOUTH BEACH which was one of the greatest moves of all time.
I enjoyed all of the Thanksgiving classics: Cuban coffee! Beer! Chorizo and eggs! And I bought my very own t-shirt that says, "I'M IN MIAMI BITCH!" in rainbow letters.

A THANKSGIVING TRIUMPH!!

My Sir and I promised one another that no matter how drunk we got, we would not allow each other to get terrible tattoos. Just in case, though, I decided that if I needed a tattoo idea at-the-ready, my first choice would be to have a tattoo of a DELICIOUS GREEN PEA!

PIPPI (on the beach): PEAS ARE DELICIOUS! I will always love peas, so I will never be sad about my pea tattoo.
SIR: Pippi, don't get a tattoo on Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZ.
SIR: Phew, she's asleep. Now I can sneak off and get a tattoo of her face on my face.
[16 hours later]
SIR: Pippi, wake up! Look how much I care.
PIPPI: OMG! You look fantastique!!! Happy Thanksgiving. You were an ok boyfriend but the only way to prove you care is to tattoo my face on your whole face and now you are, like, a really good boyfriend.
SIR: OMG, Happy Thanksgiving.
PIPPI: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!

Here's some good advice from Cosmo magazine: If your boyfriend doesn't get a face tattoo, he doesn't love you!!!

Other Cosmo advice: If your boyfriend doesn't hire a plane to write, "OMG, GURLFRIEND, U R SOOO HOT!!" he doesn't love you!!!!!

OMG, my boyfriend did not do that. OMG!!! I have to C him L8ter!!!!! THat is super bad.

MEANWHILE, Now we're back and although I have no pea tattoo, I think this pea necklace is a tame alternative: Plus, it looks kind of like a bizarro vag with 6 clits.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Sneaky Socks

Deez socks look like sneaks!!!4 sure this is the invention of someone like me who wants to be in Jammies FULL TIME.
SOCK MAKER: Yeah, sure, sure coach, I've got all my gear.
COACH: JOHNSON!! ARE YOU WEARING YOUR JAMMIES TO THE GAME AGAIN??
SM: Uhhhh.
COACH: DAMNIT, KID!! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO STATE WITH YOU PLAYING GRAB-ASS AND JAMMIE PARTY??
SM: Uhhhhhhh. [Runs back to bed]

Work your jammie shoes!

Pippi Picks Nail Rings

I want you to start wearing these nails over your nails:And wear metal toenails over your toenails, too.

RAWR! I SCWATCHED U!! I SCWATCHED U WITH MY METAL TOENAILS, BIIIIIIITCH!!!!

Dick Problems

This girl is thinking:


"OH NO! WHERE'S MY DICK???"YOU LEFT IT AT MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT!!

From Etsy.com's "Weird" Category

Today I Picked two foxy Picks 4 U from Etsy.com's "Weird" category:

A NOSE WARMER, similar to a NOSE WIG, which I have been trying to promote for years with little success:My second pick is a CUSTOM BEARD that can be made to suit your face stylings:

WILL YOU CHOOSE A BROWN BEARD, BROWN BEARD?
WILL YOU CHOOSE RED, FIRECROTCH?
I think we ALL know the answer to that one.

Pippi Picks ShopFatal.com

Hi Friends,

OMG, so many things have happened lately we're going to have to chat for 300 hours! LOL ROFLMAO.

MEANWHILE, I think you should get a full wardrobe at website ShopFatal.com because they have ALL the lookz you need to COOK the streets with style:

Per esempio:
Darth Sweater: Stretchy Cat Hat:Prom Dress:And Tall Shoes to bottom it off:
A complete look! No more problems!

LIL LIL Picks LIL WAYNE

My magnificent cousin, LIL LILY, is deeply spiritually connected to LIL WAYNE, and she alerted me that her alter ego has his own shirt:

THE FRONT:THE BACK:
I GOT CAKE LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY!

HEY LIL LILY:
I GOT MOFUNGO LIKE EVERYDAY MY BIRTHDAY.

If You Is a Crook Then You Takin' It

Da Bootay!And if you got money you shakin' it.

New Year's Resolution

I was in Ohio this weekend for "the holidays" and my cousins (plus Bodacious Stephen) staged an intervention:

PIPPI: HI GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING?
COUSINS ETC: Things are in the shitter, Pippi.
PIPPI: HUH?
COUSINS ETC: There are major omissions on Pippi Picks: No Lady Gaga, and no updates on Tender Panda or Kat Von D. This is a big problem.
PIPPI: But teshuvah, tzedakah, and tequila can reduce the severity of the decree?
COUSINS ETC: You have also never mentioned mytattoosucks.com.
PIPPI: I promise I will Pick mytattoosucks.com before Yom Kippur.

Now my repentance: This website has only a few bad tattoos, but some are very emotional and moving, like this one:And some, instead of sucking, are AMAZING, like this guy:
I've known whih tattoo I'm getting for a long time:
It's going to say "I LOVE TO FLIRT, I LIVE TO FLIRT" across my tramp stamp.

Option 2: "MY GRANDPARENTS WENT TO FLORIDA AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID TRAMP STAMP."

Someday, someday.

The East Village Changes A Man

Big news at Pippi Picks Studios (PPS): Myself and Boyflame have moved homes and now live in a NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, the newfangled EAST VILLAGE.

LOOK, GUYS, a lot of things have changed around here. Now that I live in the East Village, I'M much BETTER LOOKING and I know I've never felt this before, but NOW WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS BE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND DESIGN LEATHERGOODS, AKA what I'm going to do is web design for an ad agency until it's time to have a kid.

Also, as soon as we moved, things have really changed for BOYF and I:

WE'VE STARTED WEARING LEATHER SHORTS all the time:
AND WE'VE STOPPED WEARING LACES:
AND WE DON'T NEED THEM, BUT WE BOTH GOT EYEGLASSES:AND SPIKEY JEWELS:AND WE'VE BEEN COVERING OUR FACES WITH BIG DOTS, AND SOMETIMES WOLVES:


LOOK, GUYS, YOU JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE HERE IN THE VILLAGE.

BODACIOUS STEPHEN

I just got an email from STEPHEN, who is a BODACIOUS and SLAMMIN' man, A MAN UNAFRAID TO VOMIT BEHIND A FRIENDLY'S and he had some important things to share:

1. Pictures of people wearing food.
2. Pictures of zippered things.

I was really relieved to see that this tattooed lady found the meatballs she was looking for:I also feel spiritually inspired by these Kale Earrings, AKA KEARRINGS, because they are both FLATTERING, NUTRITIOUS, AND SANITARY:Meanwhile, this model is fed up and not going to take it anymore. We've all been there: Sometimes you want some tummy time and nothing should stop you:

Also, FYI: This shoe is hiding another guy's shoe:
S-EAKER, I applaud you. Also, I love you because you are a special guy.

Rose Picks Piperlime

Pippi Surprise!
I got a reader tip from ROSE who was my biology lab partner in HIGH SCHOOL! Now THIS is very nice. We made jokes while we were dissecting animals and now we have made another joke Lo, these many years later.

ROSE sent me her top Picks from the web site Piperlime, which sells shoes and things.

ROSE PICKS these fringy sandals:
And these cage shoes:

Rose explained that these are cages "for when your feet have been very very bad." I suppose if they poop where they're not supposed to, etc.

I would like to add my additional Pippi Piperlime Picks:

These clonkers:

And whatever this is:This goes to show that high school bio teaches students lots of useful skills, like picking fringed and clonky things, and keeping their limbs in line.

GREG Picks: Soda Protection

Once again, I've fallen WAY behind on Reader Picks.

Readers, if you're reading this, I appreciate and cherish your Picks and I'm going to get off my duff and get them on the site soon, just as soon as I can tear myself away from my seltzer machine and stop doing all the important work I have to do, like watching reruns of The Biggest Loser and cooking in the nude and other things.

For starters, here is a picture that was sent to me by loyal reader GREG:He offered the following insight:

"if you have seltzer everywhere, you're going to need to wear this. (for protection)"

WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

In her comment on the last post, Hanno raised a good point: WHAT SHOULD YOU WEAR IF YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO SELTZER?

This is a question that speaks to my own life because last night, WITHOUT WARNING, my boyflea's mom MAILED US A SODASTREAM SELTZER MAKER!!!!IT SITS ON OUR COUNTER AND CARBONATES THINGS ALL DAY LONG!!!!! It's hard to explain why fizzy water is so much more magical and delicious than regular water, but I think the French understand. You can ask them and they'll probably tell you to bouef or something.

In a hasty move, after I discovered the fizzy gift we had received, I called my #1 boyfriend's parents' house and when his dad answered we had the following conversation:

DAD: You've never called this number before...
PIPPI: I'M CALLING BECAUSE TODAY MY LIFE HAS CHANGED!!
DAD: [Disturbed silence]
PIPPI: YOU SENT A SODA MACHINE IN THE MAIL!!!!
DAD: Huh?
PIPPI: HUH?
DAD: I thought you were calling to tell me you're pregnant.
PIPPI: I THINK THAT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING.

Now, MIND YOU, this particular Dad is of the cowboy variety, one who famously speaks softly and reserves his zingers for only the inner circle, adding to the mystique of such classic lines as, "Well, I don't know about that," and "Hug it out, bitch."

BECAUSE OF THIS, yelling about soda to him, and inciting a false pregnancy scare was exponentially more delightful than had I called to yell about soda and pregnancy scare some other guy, and for this I think yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

In honor of Sawbones and the stress I put his through, I suggest we all wear chaps when carbonating things:I anticipate these chaps would get a major mustache twitch (high disdain).

Bad Cop is Back

CHRIST!

What the hell happened??
I have been off the grid but now am sadly back on the grid and prepared to pick more PICKS.

I'm out of shape so let's start slowly:

To welcome me back, I'd like you to wear this combination prison stripe/ballerina dress:
Slutz in the house, please feel free to pair with giant heels:Bad cop is back, ho-bags.