Has it really been 5 years since the last pippi pick? 

No, it has been 4.5 years.

This one goes out to all the Seths out there. May I call you Seph? 

Seph was how the name of the winner of Kept's name was pronounced. Kept, obviously, is the name of a reality show where people competed to be Jerry Hall's kept man.

THIS WAS A REAL SHOW, THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME.

I CAN FIND ONLY 2 CLIPS OF THIS PROVING THAT THIS HAPPENED TO ME BUT I SAW EVERY GD EPISODE OF THIS SHOW AND IT WAS ABOUT JERRY HALL (Mick Jagger's ex wife, model, momtrepreneur) TRYING TO FIND A MAN TO BE ON HER PAYROLL AND GO TO PUBLIC EVENTS WITH HER I SWEAR THIS HAPPENED.

Exhibit B: Multiply offensive excerpt of the kept man contestants competing naked to show Jerry they were spontaneous and/or naked with sprinkles of misogynist and/or racist commentary:

 

In the show Seph won but then he and Jerry didn't date, etc. He basically ghosted her but no one said ghosting then BECAUSE NO ONE KNEW A COMPUTER. WELL, SOME PEOPLE USED COMPUTERS. I BARELY USED COMPUTERS I USED THEM LIKE TYPE WRITERS. So Seph maybe didn't text Jerry back just because texting was not commonly used at this historical time.

MEANWHILE

During the period this year when I had shingles it came to my attention that some important fashions were in development, including:

Jester Dino Hat!

90s spikey fleece hat?

City wear!

To wear OUT in the city while being IN a city.

Look, if we're bringing back these fleece spikey hats boys from other schools wore in the 90s, then bring back all the fleece and wear this:

Plus this, if you look like this dog:

And then whiff up a whiffle for your hourse:

WHAT HAPPENED TO SEPH??? IS HE OK???

Special thanks to loyal reader Kieran for sourcing these fashion feasts, wishing to all a good fleece and to fleece a help me find out what happened to Seph.

Blogspot is going to send me a cake because I am the only person to use this platform this year.

Pippi Comes Out of Retirement

To share this hair wig with you

Please note the following facts:

• This hair wig is for all occasions including:
• your wedding day
• your boss' wedding day
• your inauguration
• your wedding day to a chef
• please note that this was originally SEVEN HUNDO AND SIXTY BONES now marked down to $266 which is a g-ddamn steal.
• Aren't you glad I came out of retirement to tell you that?
• I love you too.

Reader Picks: The Pregnant Slut Returns!

I am a longstanding fan of the incredible Lissette, who used to comment here a LONG TIME ago during her first pregnancy as "LISSETTE THE PREGNANT SLUT!" and is an all around amazing human being.

Lissette, in her wisdom, has found these shoes for you, and the brilliant TIANA, in her wisdom, understood that these are an urgent recommendation for you, the people of PippiPicks.

Thank you for keeping your eyes on the prize lo these many years.

PippiPicks Crotch Bullseye

For days you can't answer the question: "How do I find the area from which I should gather the menstrual blood for the ritual?"

Pippi Picks Tassels Sluts

Sluts, what's wrong with your regular t-shirts, you don't have the decency to take like 5 minutes and sew some tassels to them?

This bitch had less free time than you did and she got these tassels on her shorts!!!

And what, now you're going to tell me your underpants and hats don't have tassels on them either??

Because Now I Fucking Hate Christmas Again

Everything about breaking up is absolutely horrible but the one upside of this interfaith breakup is that now I can return to my previous Jewish ways* of hating Christmas and being a militant bitch during the holidays.

Didn't you miss my Grinchy ways? Weren't you sad these last years when I had an agreeable smile come December rather than a militant frown? Don't worry, friends, that militant frown is back and this time I know what to wear with it!

The Grinch has a great time, right???? 

I mean.... right?????

Am I right ladies?????????

.....

So, I suppose if you want to go full grinch, you could wear a costume like this but that seems like a real cop out

Especially when you could wear this without commentary:

Or this, for chrissake:

AM I RIGHT, LADIES???????

SERIOUSLY, AM I RIGHT HERE?????

 WHAT DOES A GRINCH HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE TO GET A DAMN TURKEY DELIVERED TO HER HOUSE??

HOW COME THERE IS NO LIKE SPIRAL HAM OR WASSAIL DELIVERED TO JEWS??? OH, BECAUSE IT'S LIKE TOTALLY NOT PART OF OUR TRADITION? OK, THAT MAKES SENSE. ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT I HAVE TO DATE A CHRISTIAN TO GET IN ON THIS PARTY?? OH, I DO BECAUSE OF CHRISTIAN HEGEMONY??? WELL, THAT SUCKS. OK, I'M GOING TO GO HAVE SOME CEREAL NOW.

 Grinch is back, ladies, call me.

*Note: not all Jews are militant bitches - I just wish more of them were! Ladies, if you are a militant Jewish bitch, CALL ME, let's go hang out! We can spray on things, like cats! And we'll be like, "As if the heteropatriarchy wasn't bad enough - now I have to oppressed by Christian hegemony the only relief being in a hetero thing with a Christian guy is society for real??" and then we'll be like, "I love you. Why did your parents name you Rhonda? Yeah, I don't know why mine named me Pippi, they're just funny and stuff. Yeah, me too. You want more of this vodka? Yeah, me neither I am going to throw up in about 10 min. I'm so glad you guys came over, I also can't believe we've been wearing the same clothes for like 64 hours. Ok, let's try to steal some bikes and like sprain something."

PippiPicks Post-Protest

This has been both a good and bad week. The country is rising up to push back against the pattern of systemic racism represented by the Eric Garner decision and the HORRIFIC LOSS of thousands of people of color throughout history who have experienced police violence and then the FURTHER VIOLENCE of the political and legal system.

This IS a movement, not a moment, and let's be clear that people have been fighting back about every part of this for GENERATIONS. And let's be clear that protesting is not an evening event, it's lifelong, intergenerational work that we're going to need our kids to follow up on and that we needed activists before us to work on.

So if we're going to continue to struggle for life, we're going to need to also plan in some recovery strategies. That's part of what pippipicks was born from, right? Did you know about that part? Where'd you think that insomnia was from? Worrying about Dawson's Creek? I have never seen that show! I have not even seen one episode of that show! I was getting too cooked in my struggle and needed some antidotes.

So re:antidotes, let me advise you on the PippiPicks Post-Protest Pose Outfit:

First, WEAR A HAT TO THE PROTEST OR I'M GOING TO WORRY ABOUT YOU! Do you know how many hundreds of people in NYC I have been worrying about because they are really cold? There is enough to worry about with people being murdered by cops, the least you can do is wear a damn hat and eat a snack out there!! Etc We need to worry about other things.

Just don't wear this hat because it's $330 which doesn't make sense. That to me is like when sunglasses are more than $7. Things meant to be left on the subway shouldn't cost more than a metrocard. Also, I'm going to sit on your sunglasses.

When you get home from the protest and you are very sad/filled with rage and horror/afraid for your life or the life of other human beings, you're going to need to get some good vibes going so you can go the fuck to sleep and go do more work. 

You must create a golden zone of peace before bedtime!! And the first step is to put on your gold hat:

And your gold pants:

And your golden paperclip:

And then put on this shirt that has a picture of a football player and says "namaste" because I don't understand what's happening in this image:

And then chant the sound of om.

And then get back out there, c'mon!

Only like 6,000,000 more layers of systemic oppression to go and we will have really fixed this thing. 

All U Need

Today just wear a hairpiece

I'm sorry, a harepiece

Sorry, a HAREPee

I'm Sorry, a HAREPEACE

Don't Worry, Winter Sluts!

It's getting colder so those of you who are sluts are having the problem of being incredibly cold all the time.

There you are, just trying to untangle your nipple tassels from your scarf but your legs are like a polar bear's bed (ice. an ice bed).

Don't stop wearing bra outfits just because it's cold and uncomfortable!!! Just be your whole self!!!!!

Here is the solution: take your feather and string underpants and put it in a box marked "SUMMER" and then put the box in your friend's house.

Go to the box in your house that says "WINTER UNDERPANTS" and take out these leather unders:

Go on with your life.

Coco Update

I don't know have you've been getting your Coco news while I've been sleeping regularly but I know what you've been whispering to yourself in your car or while you're doing a walking meditation:
"How... is... Coco... ?... Yes... Coco, Ice T's wife... Yes... Coco Austin."

Look - she's doing great. She looks like she's doing great. She's a great person. I don't know why the milk I think I have a right to say I'm having a bad day on any day knowing that I can call or visit Coco (probably) and just be moved by her great attitude.

Here are some of the things that have been happening to her lately, I think:

One: She was a devil for halloween who loves popcorn and diet tea and this ghostman in the back understands that the diet tea is a joke about her husband, Ice T, whose T stands for something else.

Two: She attended something called the "Blood and Babes Comic Con" and something called "Make it Nasty Saturdays:"

Three: she redesigned CocosWorld.com, it looks great:

Four: SHE STARTED A MMOTHERFUCKING CLOTHING LINE CALLED LICIOUS CLOTHING THAT NO ONE BOTHERED TO DRIVE TO MY HOUSE TO TELL ME ABOUT AS IF I WOULDN'T OBVIOUSLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, EVERY OUTFIT IS DESIGNED AND MODELED BY COCO:

And she has leather pants for "mens:"

 Mazal tov to Coco on outfitting us all for every kind of situation and emotion:

TEAM COCO ONE HUNDO

team coco one hundo

IDK, this crotch hat

Calling someone a "vag hat" doesn't make sense but wearing one does.

sorry/not sorry

In 2014, I still believe in life without pants and that you should not wear pants and it should not be a problem.

But if you work at a place where it would be a bad problem to not wear pants or you have horrible friends who try to leg shame you when you're just trying to live your life and feel a nice breeze, here is a good sweatshirt to wear by itself:

Because it will be a real mindfuck:
friends: where are the pants
you: i forgot
friends: but this says oops which means when you put the sweatshirt on you knew that you were going to make an oops which means it was not oops, it was your plan coming to life
you: oops
friends: why are you friends with me, i suck the joy from your day
you: i like your parents

I'm Not Saying I'm Back, But... A PippiPicks Q&A

Friends, PippiPicks has been on silent since 2012 and I understand that's been a big problem for everyone. I'm talking a BIG problem. I'm talking a bunch of naked people walking around refusing to dress themselves or laugh or smile or love other human beings because there I was not here to pick out their g-ddamn clothes.

I'm not sorry about this but I am sorry if you had any buttburn or any butt ice damage due to not wearing your g-ddamn clothes to protect you from different weather.

Ok, here's what I'm going to do here: I'm going to give you this special cookie outfit so you can just put an outfit on and stop causing problems and ruining your career:

I don't think this is for Halloween, I think this is for self-expression.

Question and answer session:

Q: Why is the origin of PippiPicks ?

A: PippiPicks was started to cure my horrible insomnia because there is no miracle cure better than looking at picture of Coco and pictures of hats.

Q: How can I tell the degree of Pippi's insomnia?

A: Look at the # of posts/year.

Q: I'm sorry 2007 was such a tough year for you.

A: That's not a question, that's just a nice comment.

Q: I just want you to get a great night's sleep.

A: Thanks, that makes me feel really cared for.

Q: Where did you find this photo of cookie monster.

A: On ebay, like how a normal person would.

Q: What if I don't wear the costume you told me to wear.

A: I'll cancel Halloween for my future kids.

Q: Will our future kids be friends?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you still like Coco?

A: Yes.

Q: Even though time has passed?

A: ARE YOU SHITTING ME. THIS WOMAN SAVED MY G-DDAMN LIFE.

Q: Is PippiPicks back?

A: Only one way to find out.

SHHH... YOU KNOW ME...

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.JUST PUT IT ON:<3

Hurricane Watch: IS COCO OK??????

It's the end of the world here in NYC.
AND IF I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED BY A HURRICANE, I'M GOING TO GET CRUNCHED WITHOUT PANTS ON!!I MEAN, I'M STILL GOING TO WEAR A TIE.

But I'm not happy about it.

THIS IS WHAT TUXEDO LEOTARDS ARE FOR: DIGNITY!

When the street floods, I'll be like, "ZZZZZ! I'm not wearing pants anyway, you assholes. Take my pants!"

BUT DON'T TAKE MY SUNGLASSES WITH ATTACHED GOLDEN EYEBROWS, YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!YOU. ASSHOLES!!!!!

You KNOW I can't see without my eyebrow glasses!!!!!!!Mayor's talking allllllllllllll about this hurricane, but NOT ONCE has he said, "Is COCO safe, fer chrissake???"

Wait - is Coco safe? Cabos...First day here,7 more days to go.Yah!"

Thank cog - she's fine. She's in Cabo.

She tweeted: "The sound of the waves while I bake is nice."

Ok, I feel better now. If Coco's safe, Sol Good.

Sorry for Partying

SORRY!

Horse Shoes

And speaking of Shortpants the Horse:

Loyal reader CHLOE just alerted me to some important news (by way of The Hairpin):

Horse shoes:
Yes. Shoes. That are hoofs. For you, a human, and not for your horse.Fuck you, my horse!
I get the hoofs, now.
I'm done with your hoofie hoarding.

Canceled Show on TLC: Hoof Hoarders.

Shortspants, the Name of a British Horse?

A poem:

One side shorts
One side pants
Shortspants, shortspants
Shortspants dance.

Pippi Picks a Feather Crown

For job interviews:

Feather crown!Interviewer: "What are some of your strengths and weaknesses?"
YOu: "Strength? My feather crown. Weakness? My incontinence."
Interviewer: HIRED. EASY.
YOU: Let's be best friends.
Interviewer: Haw shoo.
You: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I Heart French Kissing

For Xmas, I got an Xtreme cold and have not been outside since New Year's Eve.

There's one fashion advisement that none of the mags are addressing: "Best Outfits for 2011 for When You Have Not Been Outside in 5 Days??" "Kick Off 2011 RIGHT by Refusing to go Outside for AT LEAST 5 DAYS." "2011 CLEANSE: Cleanse Yourself of All Sun, Activities, and Friends this New Year."

I am about to walk around the corner to the library to see if I can get snapped by paps for a "Stars or Pippi Without Makeup" expose like they are always doing to my Persecuted Panda:People think that being really sick is a bad time for romance, but I think that a snot-face means that you should really pump up the volume. I'm going to lure the paps with something like this:
And if they're from America and don't know what that is, I'll rip off that shirt to reveal this shirt:And if they STILL don't jump on my snot train, I'll get angrier and try this shirt:Unless, of course, I don't just go out in my "default" outfit, which Vicky Secret has named "Sexy Little Santa:"
"HEY PAPS! IT'S ME, SEXY LITTLE SANTA. I'M ONE SICK SANTA. LITERALLY SICK. REALLY SICK. I'M A BAD GIRL. I FEEL BAD, GIRL. I ATE A SOUP. DICK SOUP. I'M SOOOO NAAASSTY. MY BOOBS ARE COVERED IN GERMS. WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND HAND ME SOME KLEENEX? THANKS. OK. LET'S GO TO A HOTEL. SO I CAN SLEEP AND WATCH DOCUMENTARIES. CAN I COUGH ON YOUR BUTT? THANXXX."

Game over.