Theya hugga you back!

Are you insecure and afraid?????? Do not fear! I have found some clothes that will hug you back! Let's say that you have to do a scary do. Ok. You are so scared that a talking pizza will take your wallet. Soooooooooo scary. Don't cry! These strange pants will not leave you!

How could they leave you? They are hugging your ankles for dear life like, "WHUMP! ANKLES! I LOVE YOU! I would never leave you. I am gonna eat you. No, no. Shhhh. No, I didn't just say 'I'm a gonna eat you.' No no no."

Meanwhile, your sweater is giving you a tender hug. It is like a big elephant costume. Shhhh!! The elephant is sleeping! Bath time!
Across town, this fancy coat is giving this lady a big hug. Have you ever played "Got yer nose?" With this coat you can play "Got yer neck!" "Got some buttons!" and "I have captured this lady with a big wool rope! Now I'm going to steal her yacht!"

Ok, honies. It's pie time! Go!

Little Pippi

WTF????
I have been shrunk and made into a French pin.
I blame you.

Sack Town

I trust that you followed my Thanksgiving advice and that all of your American dreams came true. In my family, we had Thanksgiving dinner on Friday because Thursday was inconvenient.
In the spirit of convenience, I want you to wear this dress all weekend:
Let me reveal my #1 hot hott!! major hot fashion pix tip: If it is at all possible to wear a sack and pass it off as being dressed, YOU SHOULD DO IT. Put this dress on. Now put on tights and flats - DRESSED!! Ok. Now put on boots and a little jacket - TOTALLY DRESSED!! Who is going to say you're not dressed? Here is a play I have written about you wearing this dress:
YOU: (drooling) Comfortable. Mfff.
YOUR FRIEND, HANSEL: I would like to give you this sack of money because you look totally legit.
YOU: 2 legit 2 quit. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
HANSEL: I love money.
YOU: I love chopped liver.
FIN.

Merry Thanksgiving

In commercials about Thanksgiving, the TV family is always insanely glad that Grandpa Dang and Little Wally and Cousin CanCan can all be together for turkey town. While I'm sure many families are as happy as puppies on this special day, other families are as loopy as bats that have broken into the mead. For them, Thanksgiving is the time when everyone has to try to appear happier and less sketchy than they really are. This Thanksgiving, somewhere, some dude is telling his parents that he has dropped out of med school and run off to LA to become a wig stylist on the same night that his sister announces that she's pregnant with the child of Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That's the Thanksgiving that I want to sit in on.
In case you are going to be at an awkward Thanksgiving, I have picked out some respectable shirts for you. The first shirt is a little too revealing, so just wear a raincoat over it:


The main goal of a stuffy shirt is so that if your great aunt , who is partially blind, says loudly in front of your grandmother, "Aren't you Gerry's girl who was arrested for stealing that car?" you can say, "No! I'm the other one!" If you are dressed neatly, she will believe that you really are your straight-laced and well-mannered younger sister, thus preserving your secret from your grandmother for yet another Thanksgiving.
Here is my packing list: One whatever skirt
At least one sweater that doesn't have mustard on it
And this necklace, which will hopefully cement your new image:
If you are going to be at an especially terrible or awkward Thanksgiving, I suggest this dress:

Then while the rest of your family exchanges passive aggressive glances, you can sit at the end of the table with the turkey and think, "DON'T TALK TO ME OR ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING. DO NOT DRAG ME INTO THIS BLOOD FEUD, AUNT HILDA, OR I WILL CAST A SPELL THAT WILL CAUSE 50 PLAGUES TO BE VISITED UPON YOUR KITCHEN, THE FIRST BEING 'BAD TURKEY,' THE FIFTIETH BEING 'DOUBLE WORSE TURKEY.'"
Then later on you can wear it to a party with a big cuff and your annoying friend will be all like, "Will you smooch me if I buy you a PBR?" and you'll be all like, "Whoa. Ok, Nelson." Once all your elders have gone to bed and you have snuck out to the garage to get drunk with your cousins, you can put on this big red bag with pockets so your turkey tummy can breathe:

Merry Thanksgiving, Neighbors.

Pippi's Secret Crush

I am secretly really attracted to all of these funny, lumpy boots that are turning up. I don't want to tell anybody because I can't totally decide whether I think they are fun-ugly or dumb-ugly.



See what I mean?
Ask yourself this: Does the shoe model above feel like a happy hippo or a sad lobster? Look at how lumpy these booties are!They're like deflated sharpeis! Here is another example:
You know when you have a crush on someone but you don't actually want anything to happen? This is how I feel about these chunky monkies. I don't want to french them, but I want somebody to.
PippiPicks Official Poll: Would you go to second with these shonks?

The Big, Dumb, and Expensive Edition

This weekend is the big Harvard-Yale game and to honor our Ivy friends I have picked out some big, dumb, expensive shit for you to wear. I've packed you a nice little suitcase of crap to wear to the game.

Honey, I have a lot of important people to talk to at the alumni tailgates this weekend, so I need you to get off your slutty little ass and look like a real, live lady.

If you get cold, you can wrap up in this big, dumb, expensive sweater that I got you at Barneys:

Then you should stop watching "For Love of Game" and put some shoes on:

Then you should decide that they're too "wacky" and put these on instead:
I have even picked you out a classic Harvard date to prance around with: Your Future Bankers of America boyfriend who never gets you off.
At some point on Saturday morning you should accidentally light your dress on fire while trying to smoke a cigarette out the window of your Charles Hotel room.
Never fear, bitch! I've picked out an extra outfit for you just in case. I want you to wear a huge-ass fur coat:
DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE THIS REGAL WOMAN WHO IS ALL-KNOWING YET INCREDIBLY INSPIRING, 2 GOOD 2 B TRUE YET 2 FURRY TO B CRAZY, ELEGANT BUT MYSTERIOUS, HARSH BUT FAIR??? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE IN HER POCKETS??? I WOULD GIVE HALF MY KINGDOM TO KNOW.
BE LIKE THIS WOMAN. OBVIOUSLY, you shouldn't wear anything under the coat except for these $1098.95 Christian Lacroix sandals.

At some point during the game you should go up to a fancy drunk person and whip your coat open to reveal that you have painted a giant crimson "H" on your tummy and have also shaved an "H" into your pubes. This is when you will truly realize why pairing a fur coat with nudity is such a timeless, classic, ageless look. Why ageless, you ask, cocking your head to the side like an inquisitive pup? My angel, whether you are 25 or 95, if you show up at a stadium wearing only a fur coat and sparkly shoes, whether it is 1906 or 2006, you will hear the same words spoken: "You look insane." Now that's a timeless look. 2 TIMELESS 4 U NOT 2 WEAR IT.

Honor Madonna's Weird Adoption

In honor of Madonna and her weird adoption, I would like you to wear these boots this weekend:

This is going to take some work. Ideally, you should not wear pants and should instead smear your legs with black liquid latex.

This will make you look like Olivia Newton-John in Grease only much, much worse.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen and put on your little hipster black skinny jeans instead. Now, go to your bathroom and bleach your hair PLATINUM FUCKING BLONDE. I want you to look like Anna Nicole Smith. Meanwhile, you should be drinking heavily. Every time you put an item of clothing on, you should take a shot of Gordon's and break a plate. Good.

This is counter-intuitive, but I want you to wear a nice little shirt over your latex in case you need to talk with a cop. If you wear this shirt, you can just stand behind a counter and with your legs hidden you'll look like a nearly-classy babe:

The long cut of the shirt will also hide the fact that you are not wearing underwear. I also want you to wear a really poufy, classy, felt jacket and to leave it on while you're walking around the bar so they'll be lots of fabric to flap around your face when you're really hammered and weepy later on. Do you know what I mean by a poufy jacket?

It's not that the jackets themselves are poufy, it's that they're going to look huge with your little latex chicken legs sticking out. Also remember that you're going to be tilted up on heels and sticking your butt out under these jackets. If you don't like the direction this is going in, turn right back around and talk your drunk-ass into wearing a leopard-print jacket instead.
Meanwhile, you're going to need to put on about fifteen giant cocktail rings in different colors.
DO YOU SEE THAT, BITCH??? YOU WILL TURN INTO PARIS FUCKING HILTON IF YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!!! AND WHAT????!!!!!!!!!!
If you'd like, you can give your rings out as party favors to people in the bar to help you remember who you've talked to.

You are also going to need to wear this white leather and metal belt as a necklace:
And you're also going to need to wear overpriced, gold stud earrings:
I don't think we need to talk about your makeup because you obviously know that you're going to have huge charcoal raccoon eyes, fake eyelashes, and matte, hot pink, MAC "Moxie" lipstick that will end up hella smeared.
Ok, tiger. Go over to your friend Tilly's house, get all coked up, and make a big, nasty scene at a TGI Fridays. The time has come for you to get out of your house and into the white 12-passenger van I have rented for you. I know. I love you, too.

Happy Birthday, Pippi Picks

Welcome to this new and beautiful blog, "Pippi Picks." In this post 9/11 world, there are lots of things to feel upset and crazy about. Thankfully, there are still plenty of things that don't matter like picking a stylish pair of tights, matching your earrings to your thong, and calling K-Fed a slutty McSlutslut. This blog was created to help you take a break from worrying about the important things and consider, instead, which weird sweaters Pippi thinks you should buy and what she thinks you should wear them with.

I (Miss Pippi) suck at shopping because I am both cheap and afraid of commitment. What I love is telling other people what to wear and harrassing them into going to a party wearing a t-shirt, furry hat, and no pants. That is happiness.


I have only two style heroes. My ultimate role model is Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan.




















In the movie, Madonna goes strutting around like a crazy badass. When I am eighty, I will still want to look like Madonna does in this movie.

My other fashion hero is Leigh Bowery, a party-boy performance artist who made amazing, sculptural costumes in the '80s.




















What is the connection between these two special peeps? To me they look amazing because they look like they don't give a flying fuck about what other people are doing. Fashion is just costuming. Leigh Bowery made himself fake butts and boobs to wear to parties. You should, too.