Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Merry Thanksgiving

In commercials about Thanksgiving, the TV family is always insanely glad that Grandpa Dang and Little Wally and Cousin CanCan can all be together for turkey town. While I'm sure many families are as happy as puppies on this special day, other families are as loopy as bats that have broken into the mead. For them, Thanksgiving is the time when everyone has to try to appear happier and less sketchy than they really are. This Thanksgiving, somewhere, some dude is telling his parents that he has dropped out of med school and run off to LA to become a wig stylist on the same night that his sister announces that she's pregnant with the child of Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That's the Thanksgiving that I want to sit in on.
In case you are going to be at an awkward Thanksgiving, I have picked out some respectable shirts for you. The first shirt is a little too revealing, so just wear a raincoat over it:


The main goal of a stuffy shirt is so that if your great aunt , who is partially blind, says loudly in front of your grandmother, "Aren't you Gerry's girl who was arrested for stealing that car?" you can say, "No! I'm the other one!" If you are dressed neatly, she will believe that you really are your straight-laced and well-mannered younger sister, thus preserving your secret from your grandmother for yet another Thanksgiving.
Here is my packing list: One whatever skirt
At least one sweater that doesn't have mustard on it
And this necklace, which will hopefully cement your new image:
If you are going to be at an especially terrible or awkward Thanksgiving, I suggest this dress:

Then while the rest of your family exchanges passive aggressive glances, you can sit at the end of the table with the turkey and think, "DON'T TALK TO ME OR ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING. DO NOT DRAG ME INTO THIS BLOOD FEUD, AUNT HILDA, OR I WILL CAST A SPELL THAT WILL CAUSE 50 PLAGUES TO BE VISITED UPON YOUR KITCHEN, THE FIRST BEING 'BAD TURKEY,' THE FIFTIETH BEING 'DOUBLE WORSE TURKEY.'"
Then later on you can wear it to a party with a big cuff and your annoying friend will be all like, "Will you smooch me if I buy you a PBR?" and you'll be all like, "Whoa. Ok, Nelson." Once all your elders have gone to bed and you have snuck out to the garage to get drunk with your cousins, you can put on this big red bag with pockets so your turkey tummy can breathe:

Merry Thanksgiving, Neighbors.

4 comments:

annie said...

too bad i don't know what "mead" is.

christopher said...

just don't get into it!

I can't wait to get my "turkey tummy" going.

Rosa said...

pippi,

what should we do if the bats break into the mead?

Pippi said...

hanno, all you need to know about mead is that it's "frothy."
if bats break into it, just make damn sure they don't get into the belfry.