Friday, November 17, 2006

The Big, Dumb, and Expensive Edition

This weekend is the big Harvard-Yale game and to honor our Ivy friends I have picked out some big, dumb, expensive shit for you to wear. I've packed you a nice little suitcase of crap to wear to the game.

Honey, I have a lot of important people to talk to at the alumni tailgates this weekend, so I need you to get off your slutty little ass and look like a real, live lady.

If you get cold, you can wrap up in this big, dumb, expensive sweater that I got you at Barneys:

Then you should stop watching "For Love of Game" and put some shoes on:

Then you should decide that they're too "wacky" and put these on instead:
I have even picked you out a classic Harvard date to prance around with: Your Future Bankers of America boyfriend who never gets you off.
At some point on Saturday morning you should accidentally light your dress on fire while trying to smoke a cigarette out the window of your Charles Hotel room.
Never fear, bitch! I've picked out an extra outfit for you just in case. I want you to wear a huge-ass fur coat:
DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE THIS REGAL WOMAN WHO IS ALL-KNOWING YET INCREDIBLY INSPIRING, 2 GOOD 2 B TRUE YET 2 FURRY TO B CRAZY, ELEGANT BUT MYSTERIOUS, HARSH BUT FAIR??? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE IN HER POCKETS??? I WOULD GIVE HALF MY KINGDOM TO KNOW.
BE LIKE THIS WOMAN. OBVIOUSLY, you shouldn't wear anything under the coat except for these $1098.95 Christian Lacroix sandals.

At some point during the game you should go up to a fancy drunk person and whip your coat open to reveal that you have painted a giant crimson "H" on your tummy and have also shaved an "H" into your pubes. This is when you will truly realize why pairing a fur coat with nudity is such a timeless, classic, ageless look. Why ageless, you ask, cocking your head to the side like an inquisitive pup? My angel, whether you are 25 or 95, if you show up at a stadium wearing only a fur coat and sparkly shoes, whether it is 1906 or 2006, you will hear the same words spoken: "You look insane." Now that's a timeless look. 2 TIMELESS 4 U NOT 2 WEAR IT.

2 comments:

kate said...

I don't think I'm going to make it to the Harvard Yale game. In fact, I think it already happened. Luckily, due to the timeless versatility of this look, I am thinking I can wear it to my new job. Is there anything I should add to the fur coat/glittery heal combo to make it scream "professional"?

Pippi said...

Dear "Kate,"
Making a fur coat-nudity combo look professional is as easy as 1, 2, BELIEVE! All you need is attitude! Try punching this look up with a big smile and a manilla folder for a look that screams "HI BOSS!!!!!!!! I'AM DRUNKT ODAYY BUT I DID NOTT BRIJJNG THE PRESANTOTION."