Thursday, November 16, 2006

Honor Madonna's Weird Adoption

In honor of Madonna and her weird adoption, I would like you to wear these boots this weekend:


This is going to take some work. Ideally, you should not wear pants and should instead smear your legs with black liquid latex.
This will make you look like Olivia Newton-John in Grease only much, much worse.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen and put on your little hipster black skinny jeans instead. Now, go to your bathroom and bleach your hair PLATINUM FUCKING BLONDE. I want you to look like Anna Nicole Smith. Meanwhile, you should be drinking heavily. Every time you put an item of clothing on, you should take a shot of Gordon's and break a plate. Good.

This is counter-intuitive, but I want you to wear a nice little shirt over your latex in case you need to talk with a cop. If you wear this shirt, you can just stand behind a counter and with your legs hidden you'll look like a nearly-classy babe:

The long cut of the shirt will also hide the fact that you are not wearing underwear. I also want you to wear a really poufy, classy, felt jacket and to leave it on while you're walking around the bar so they'll be lots of fabric to flap around your face when you're really hammered and weepy later on. Do you know what I mean by a poufy jacket?
It's not that the jackets themselves are poufy, it's that they're going to look huge with your little latex chicken legs sticking out. Also remember that you're going to be tilted up on heels and sticking your butt out under these jackets. If you don't like the direction this is going in, turn right back around and talk your drunk-ass into wearing a leopard-print jacket instead.
Meanwhile, you're going to need to put on about fifteen giant cocktail rings in different colors.
DO YOU SEE THAT, BITCH??? YOU WILL TURN INTO PARIS FUCKING HILTON IF YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!!! AND WHAT????!!!!!!!!!!
If you'd like, you can give your rings out as party favors to people in the bar to help you remember who you've talked to.

You are also going to need to wear this white leather and metal belt as a necklace:
And you're also going to need to wear overpriced, gold stud earrings:
I don't think we need to talk about your makeup because you obviously know that you're going to have huge charcoal raccoon eyes, fake eyelashes, and matte, hot pink, MAC "Moxie" lipstick that will end up hella smeared.
Ok, tiger. Go over to your friend Tilly's house, get all coked up, and make a big, nasty scene at a TGI Fridays. The time has come for you to get out of your house and into the white 12-passenger van I have rented for you. I know. I love you, too.

5 comments:

Rosa said...

dear miss pippi,
I'm a big fan.
what can i do to find some of these great poufy coats?

Christopher said...

dear pippi,

Thank you for the advice! Can I pull off dressing like Madonna if I a am a kind of androgynous dude? If so, great! If not, kindly refer me to another suitable fashion role model.

annie said...

one question. while painting on said latex, is it better to paint from top to bottom or bottom to top? much appreciation,

annie.

Adam said...

I drink paint for a living. Is style the right choice for me?

Pippi said...

Dear friends,
In answer to your questions:
Rosa: I have added links to the stuff so you can click on them, discover that they are freakishly expensive, and not buy them.
Christopher: I can sense from your comment that you would look like an angel in Madonna gear. I can also sense that you have the beard of an angel...
Annie: It is best if you paint on your latex in the most virtuous direction, down to up, or "from hell to heaven."
Adam: Style is the only choice for you.