Pippi Learns About Christmas

Merry Christmas, One and All!
I am enjoying my Tex-Mex Interfaith Christmas and Hanukkah day!

I had thought my Mrs. Claus Halloween costume was hot shit but now I realize that I should have been rocking this:
Next Halloween.

In the meantime, I am enjoying such Christian delights as Die Hard, Christmas meats, and decorative greens. As an interfaith professional, I'd like to share some tips I have learned with you on this Jewish journey:
1. A stocking sometimes holds candy, but you should not try to eat the stocking itself.
2. A christmas tree may have a fine and festive smell, but you should not try to eat it.
3. Gift certificates are gifts, not snacks.

Learn from my mistakes!

Fringe Wins, World Loses

HAH!
I'm winning! The world is converting to a life of FRINGE!!
Fringe watches! Fringe on every body part!

I like to exercise my fringe secretly by wearing fringed things under my work attire. I also wear a gold sparkly bodysuit under my work attire, but that's a story for another day.

Pippi Picks Okley by M.I.A.

M.I.A., my favorite knocked-up musician, has designed a line of stripey looks!

Now you can wear a M.I.A. onesie!!!!!!!!!
You can have M.I.A.'s seductive face on your seductive front!The jacket is my favorite:
I wish M.I.A. was pregnant with ME! Then I could go to all of her shows for FREE. Tummy-row seats!!!!!!!

Hot Coffee, Episode 5

Dear McDudes,

Another episode of Hot Coffee, the weekly comedy podcast I'm in, is up on the Hot Coffee website.
WHAT? YOU ASSHOLES DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I'M REFERRING TO???
I BLOGGED ABOUT IT BEFORE - THAT SHOULD BE TATTOOED IN YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE has a new feature: You can either LISTEN to the show OR you can WATCH IT as a VIDEO.
CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S EPISODE AT HOTCOFFEESHOW.COM!!!!!!This week, we talked about Best Buy, the Jonas Brothers, and Plaxico Burress. Basically, everything you need to know to rock the SATs.
BLARG!

HOOD THONG???

I just realized that a fine reader, ANONYMOUS, posted a fantastic link that I never gave him or her props for: BEHOLD!!!!!!!!! THE HOOD THONG!!!!!!!!!!I recommend you click on the link and check out the photo in it's full glory so you can soak up the following details:

• THE MODEL'S NIPS ARE COVERED BY SPAGHETTI TASSELS. SEXY PASTA? EAT PASTA OFF MY BOOBS, BABY.
• THE MODEL IS HOLDING A FAKE ROCK.
• THE MODEL IS WEARING '80S SOCKS AND SNEAKS.
• THE MODEL IS WEARING A HOOD THONG.

Well played, Anonymous!!!!!!!!!
Keep being you!!!!!!!
Love,
Pippi

Exploding Animal Shirts!!!!!!!!!!!

Please wear shirts with animals exploding through the front:
Exploding shark!
Exploding magical horse!!!!!!
Props to faithful reader, BRIAN, who tipped me off to these special shirts.
DAMN, that horse is magical!!

Pippi Ruined Thanksgiving

UGH!
I effed Thanksgiving - I forgot to bring my special Pilgrim suit:
Sorry, Family. I kind of shit the bed on that one.
Next year.

Pippi Picks HOT COFFEE

Dear Special Friends,

Don't worry! Now, in addition to getting all my great advice about what to put on, you can now HEAR MY COMFORTING VOICE IN YOUR EARS!

I've been working on a new project! Every Sunday, I hang out with my Special Guys and we record a COMEDY PODCAST based on news stories.That's some of them!

Go to hotcoffeeshow.com to hear our latest episode! New shit gets posted every week by Tuesday and I'll let you know when it goes up.

NOW YOU CAN HAVE PIPPI FOR EVERY PART OF YOUR FACE: EYES, EARS, BRAIN, AND SMELLS!!!!!!!!

C-c-lick here to hear my first PODCAST PICK!!!!!

Hamburger Attack!!

Uh oh. Where did my cash go?
Oh yeah. Hamburgers. Fries. Dranks.

Oops.

EAT FROM ZE RABBIT'S BUTT!!!!!!!

I don't have clothez for you today, I have clothez 4 your food!!!!!!!

Here's the web copy that goes with the photo below to get you to buy it:
"This felted floppy-eared rabbit will keep your food warm. "
PIPPI: THANNX 4 COMING 2 DINNER AT MY HOUSE, I HAVE MADE SOME GREAT FOOD FOR YOU!
FRENCH FRIEND: THANX 4 DINNER!!!!! I'M, EH, SO PROUD OF VOU.
PIPPI: Eat up!
FRENCH FRIEND: Where iz zee food?
PIPPI: UNDER ZO RABBIT! IN ZE BUTT OF ZE RABBIT! EAT THE FOOD FROM THAT BUTT!!!!!!!!
FRENCHIE: U R A TRUE EUROPEAN!!!!!!
PIPPI: I'ma PEAN!!!!!!!!!
FRENCHIE: Kiss me with your American Mouth!!!!!!!
PIPPI: Don't burn me with your long cigarette!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[WE TENDERLY EMBRACE]

Professional Pippi

One of the saddest things about working a serious job is that I have to take my jammies off. No jammies for eight hours??!!!! R U 4 SERIOUS??? U CAN'T B SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!! I QUIT!!!!!!!!!
WHAT?? THE ECONOMY'S IN THE POOP HOUSE?
OK, I UN-QUIT!!!!!!!!
WAIT - THAT MEANS I HAVE TO TAKE MY JAMMIES OFF AGAIN. FUUUCKK!!!!!! I QUIT!!!!!!!!
A sad cycle.

Ok, I can't quit and become a jammie model due to economic problems (broke). I realize that I can not wear my hoodie to the office and need to wear prissy jackets. If I have to wear jackets, at least I should wear a white tuxedo jacket like this:
I have started wearing this prissy swingy thing every day that looks kind of like this:
Most of the day I'm just like, "DUDE - JUST DON'T SPILL ON YOURSELF FOR A FEW MORE HOURS, OK??? JUST STICK THE LUNCH IN YOUR MOUTH-HOLE AND DON'T TAKE ANY WEIRD DETOURS OR MASH IT ON YOUR BOOB OR SOMETHING - OHHHH!!!!!!! 2 LATE."

I guess I could branch out and get some frilly things like this lady BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID TO HER LIPS!!!!!!! IT MADE HER LOOK LIKE A GUPPY!!!!!!!!!!
AND THIS MODEL IN THIS LITTLE WHITE THING IS, LIKE SUPER DRUNK OR STONED OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I guess if this model was allowed to come to work sauced I don't see why I can't.
I just got a call - this model is not stoned, she had just come out of a viewing of "Four Christmases."

Pippi Picks HEELYS

This week, I want you to wear HEELYS, those shoes with HIDDEN WHEELS:
OH MY SHOOT, I WANT HEELYS SOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!! If I was Christian, I would put them on my Easter list or whatever happens on that holiday.

Ok, ok, ok, so we decided: This week we're all wearing our Heelys and parachute pants.
Whoo!
I'm going SO FAST around the restaurant!!!!!!!
I got got to work in only TWENTY-FIVE minutes instead of about THRTY-FIVE to FORTY minutes!!!!
I just jumped out of a copter and I landed SOFTLY, LIKE A CLOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perma Glasses

I wore glasses for my Mrs. Claus Halloween costume and THE GLASSES MADE ME ABOUT 1/2 - 7/8 PERCENT SMARTER AND GOOD AT THINKING OF REALLY A+ IDEAS.

I GOT A TATTOO OF READING GLASSES ON MY FACE. IT HURT BUT IT WAS WORTH IT FOR SERIOUS SMARTS.

YES, WE DID!!!!!!!

I haven't posted any picks in a while because I have been TOTALLY CONSUMED BY ELECTION MADNESS and VERY BUSY HITTING "REFRESH" ON 538.COM if you know what I mean.
I mean, even though Pippi Picks is devoted to the public service of frivolous sh*t, I am fighting the URGE TO S-S-SLAAAM YOU WITH all kinds of EARNESTNESS ABOUT MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS INCLUDING FEELINGS OF WEEPINESS, HOPEFULNESS, AND SERIOUS THINGS.

Summary of analysis:
SYMBOLIC HAPPENINGS!!!!!!!!
HISTORIC ADVANCEMENTS!!!!!!!
POSITIVE THEMES!!!!!!!!
INTERESTING EVENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cried my stone-cold BALLS OFF when Obama was announced President and was a crazy mess.

In honor of this special time, I'm going to wear a full American outfit:
Whoaaaa. Ok.

Gotta go - I have to watch that Grant Park video clip about 500 more times.
500 times A DAY. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

New Service: Thai Friar Massage

Here's a conversation I had tonight:

CUSTOMER: Hi - I'm calling for a massage.
PIPPI: Uhh, I think you have the wrong number.
CUSTOMER: So... you're not a Thai girl who gives massages?

I said "No" but now I'm regretting it. Who am I to say I'm NOT a Thai girl who gives massages? Why be such a Nancy No-No?

I'm going to start giving massages wearing this:Friar massage.
Free Friar Tuck Massage.

White Heels to Heaven

OK - here's what I don't understand:
When I was in high school, I wore high heels all the time and went CHARGING AROUND, UNFAZED , UP AND DOWN HILLS.
My "regulars" had wooden heels and straps, a little like these:How?
Did I have glue in my shoe? (note to self: set aside "glue in shoe" for name of next hit song/title of autobiography).

See, if I tried to do that now it would go like this:
[Pippi puts on big heels]
PIPPI: HOLY SLUTZ IN THE MANGER, GET THIS HELL-TRAPTION OFF MY TENDER TOEZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Ma'am, the mic is on.
PIPPI: D'oh!
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: And you better keep those heels on, I paid $150,000 for them.
PIPPI: DAMN YOU, RNC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the next mystery:
Since I started my new job and started wearing prissy office clothes, I have been hit by a craving to wear gigantic, white, platform heels in the style of slutty angel halloween costume:Here's why:
On my morning subway commute during hideous rush hour, I always end up with my face in another communter's fragrant pit, clawing for a space on the hand-bar. I want shoes that will take me high up to the air at the top of the car!
I want to be able to see their bald spots!
I want to reach for the sky!

Below you will find my picks for Platform Tall White Sluts-to-a-Heaven-Cloud Shoes (PTWSTAHCS) that will lift us above the fray:

TAKE ME HIGHER!!!!!!!
YOU NAUGHTY SECRETARY, YOU! SEE YOU IN HEAVEN'S LUNCH ROOM!!!!!!!!HOW DID THESE ONES WITH BLACK STRIPES GET IN HERE??
SOME KIND OF HEAVEN-ERROR.
NOTE: I do not actually think these shoes are tall enough to reach the actual heaven lobby. Back to the lab.

PS: For all in suspense: YES - THE WEDDING WAS GRRRRRREAT!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO FRICKIN' FUN!!!!!!!!!! HAUTE HANK was there in full glory, the bride and groom made loving eyes at each other, and me and my uncles peer-pressured my mom into taking a shot of tequila. SUCCESSFUL MATRIMONIAL EVENT!!!!!!!!!

Take a Stand on Fake-Ass Hair Jewelry

Pour another litre of hooch - we have a lot to talk about.

First: This weekend is the wedding of ZOE (a cousin of me, Hank, Lily, etc), in Austin, Texas, and the world is waiting to find out what Hank will wear. A fur sleeping bag? You never know.

While I don't have wedding outfits to suggest to y'all, I have found some special, strange accessories at PixieMarket.com.
The first thing I noticed was these boss shoes: Then I saw that they had honored my previous CROTCH PANTS POST by selling big-crotched pants:
Things took a twisted turn when I realized that they also sold hair balls:
On the site, they are really called "hair balls" and they are sold for $275. WERF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
They sell other hair-cessories, too, including this hair necklace:
Here is a picture of a model brushing out her hair necklace:
Here is a picture of a model wearing hair earrings, AKA "hair-rings," "herrings."
All of the hair jewelry is made of real human hair which is good - FINALLY, some F-DAMN STRAIGHT TALK ABOUT HAIR JEWELRY. I am SO CROTCHETY SICK OF PEOPLE TRYING TO PASS OFF THEIR FAKE-HAIR JEWELRY AS IF IT WAS MADE OF REAL HUMAN HAIR.

If I can't get jewelry made of real hair I WILL SUSPEND MY CAMPAIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put THAT in your hat and fluff it!
Hair has approved this message.

Californian Whores

Today my picks for you come from shopplanetblue.com.
The website says that it sells clothes for "musicians, muses, models, writers and designers. " From what I can tell, that means "wealthy whores from Southern California."

Planet Blue has answered my most fervent prayer: That I be allowed to wear my flannel jammies as respectable day clothes. Here is their solution: A flannel dress (or DRAMMIE - half DRESS, half JAMMIE).
They also sell fantasticly yak-looking furry vests. YAK ATTACK!!!!!!! NO NEED 4 SHIRTS W/FUR ON BOOBZ!!
Other models have cast away their pants:
They also sell everyday wear like this jewel and feather dress:
What's really freaking me out, though, is that the model below is wearing a poncho with THE SAME PRINT AS A GYPSY SCARF DRESS-UP OUTFIT MY SISTERS' AND I HAD AS CHILDREN!!! WHY IS THIS MODEL USING TIME MACHINES AND STEALING FROM MY PAST!!!!! DOESN'T SHE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN USE TIME MACHINES TO STEAL FROM CHILDREN??????
In other news, isn't the "plum" dress below very tasteful?
See, now that I'm employed, I use words like "tasteful" and "splendid!" as in "what a tasteful and splendid file cabinet!"

TGIF Work Outfit

I've picked out a TGIF outfit for you to wear to work tomorrow.
It's built around this MAGNIFICENT GOLDER DIAPER:
The diaper is going to draw eyes to you like bbeez 2 honey so keep it quiet and classy up top with this little shirt:
You can cover up with this gold-splashed jacket when the prudes come calling:
I also think you should carry this boombox purse WHICH PLAYS MUSIC OUT OF ITS SPEAKERS and blast Danity Kane:
Ok, you're dressed.
On second thought, throw on this necklace so you can get the money husbands: