Oh, the memories

I am going to a 1997-themed New Year's Ever party 2nite.
Thinking about 1997 made me think of Toni Braxton, which made me think of that dress that she wore to the Grammys a few years ago:


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

99 Diamonds

Now that we've discussed what dress you're going to wear to your New Year's Eve party, you need to haul out your trunk of diamonds.
Have you ever heard that fashion rule, "Look in the mirror and take off the first thing you notice" or whatever? I have a slight variation on that rule that I would like to share with you:
Pippi's Fashion Rule
Look in the mirror and count how old you are. You should be wearing one jewel for every year you've been alive.
Here is an example: If you are 90 years old, you should be wearing 90 diamonds.

To help us meet our quotas, the Miu Miu team has designed these bejeweled shoes:

You will also need some swirly clip-ons:
Obviously, you should be wearing fake eyelashes:
If you really know how to live, your eyelashes will be gold:

If you get sleepy before 12 and want to rest your eyes, you can put on this special ring:

The "Z" will tell onlookers, "Shhhhh! I am asleep! I am having ZZZZ time!! Don't bother me! Wake me up before midnight, please! Ok! Thank you! Now, go away."

Crazy New Year!

Friends! It is almost New Year's Eve! Let's fly!
New Year's Eve is the perfect occasion to wear a huge dress that will make you look insane. Go for broke, tender ones! Now is not the time to be coy! Go nutz, babies!
Look in the mirror. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I look batshit crazy?
2. Am I wearing a hat?
3. Why is there mustard on my cheek?
4. What will this year bring?
IF THE ANSWER IS "YES," YOU'RE READY FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!
Try this special dress made of puffy fans:

This pink dress looks crazy by itself, but the model's expression is what really tipped my scales. Yeah! Try wearing that with a "Whoo! 2007!" thigh tattoo and you'll be alllllllllll set.

I think this yellow poufy is supposed to be a knockoff of Michelle Williams' dress from the Oscars:

HOWEVER:

When Michelle Williams wore the dress she looked like the prettiest chicken in the coop. If you wear this dress to go hang out in your friend's garage and drink Miller Light YOU WILL LOOK INSANE.

The dress below IS COMPLETELY INSANE:

It is specially made for New Year's Eve: If you puke on it, it won't show! Score!

Try hiding a goat under this black dress' skirt!

At midnight, the goat can lead your guests in karaoke!

I promise, friends:

If you follow my advice, you'll soon hear those words you've been longing to hear: "You look insane."

Happy Soon Year!

You Look so Cheap and Beautiful, Darling

The elf makeup website kicks ass because everything they sell is only a dollar. Oh, yes. Only a buck.
If you purchase this "All Over Color Stick" which you are supposed to put on your "eyes lips or face!" you can smear your whole face with makeup for only $1! Hell! Rub it all over your legs, too! This shit's a bargain!Soon, your honey will say, "My darling, you look cheap tonight," and you can say, "Thank you!"
Your honey will say this because you have arrived at a party totally naked and smeared only with All Over Color Stick. He will recognize your beautiful frugality and mesmerizing boldness.
So will I, dear reader, so will I.

All-American Bollywood

I recently watched the freakishly popular Disney movie, "High School Musical," and made a startling discovery: High School Musical is secretly a Bollywood movie! Who knew?
Think about it:
Huge musical numbers!

Whenever a song starts, everyone starts dancing!

The actors are clearly lip syncing!

The actors' speaking and singing voices sound like they were recorded on different planets!

Everything is super emotional!

The romantic leads never kiss!

Constant costume changes!

Just think: The first all-American Bollywood movie! What rapture!

To celebrate, I want you to throw yourself a High School Musical viewing party.

You should:

Buy a big, rando shirt from teen-tastic website alloy.com:

Wear tights without underwear underneath to show that your tender mind has already been altered by the nudie antics of B.S. (Baba Spears): Get some $30 knockoffs of those unreasonably dangerous Chloe heels that will ensure that when you learn to shotgun your first beer at Tanya's 15th birthday party you will also learn how to fall down the stairs:

Strap on a chain and pleather bracelet from Ultra Teen Town Mega Delia's:

Then you should Robo-trip and prank call a Dominos. Mmmmm.

Pippi Still Love P.Anda

Ok. Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, but please look again at Special P.Anda (AKA PippiPicks You Are Special November 2006 Award Winner Pamela Anderson)'s wedding photo that I posted earlier. Look at the cake.

Click here for Wedding P.Anda and Bob

Did you look at it?

DID YOU LOOK AT IT?

I DON'T WANT TO ALARM ANYONE, BUT I THINK P.ANDA'S WEDDING CAKE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GIANT, 4-TIERED, CREAM-FILLED DONUT. OH MY COW.

I am still really shaken up about P.Anda's divorce, but a couple of weeks ago Pamm-o reported on her website diary that she's doing ok and she offered MY FAVORITE ADVICE EVER:

P.ANDA SEZ: "Don't get married on vacation!" I won't, Special P.Anda, I won't.

BUT!

If Magic P.Anda did get married again, I have picked out what I, Special Pippo, will wear:

I will wear this bitty dress so I can show Panda my killer gams.

Panda will be all like: "Don't get married on vacation."

I'll be like: "You had a donut as a wedding cake."

Then we'll start a band with 2 drummers, a harp, and a floppy, coked-out back-up singer.

Jacket Attack

You are wearing boots now, right?? So why are you running around topless like Kate Moss??? Put on a jacket, you chilly fool! As a sequel to the Book of Boots, I present you with the PippiPicks 2006 Jacketacular Fantasy Collection 2006.
I have picked 3 possibilities for your jacket adventure: Big and Dumpy, Little and Swingy, and Puffy Rando.
The PippiPicks Big and Dumpy Collection
There is nothing better than a jacket that makes you look like a bag of laundry.
You can just curl up in the corner at a party and your friends will say, "Shhh!! That big bag is having quiet time!"


Also, the jacket on this little lady on the left is a raincoat.











Nice green, right?

Because this jacket costs $1,085 it should not be bought by anybody but! the little pearly buttons are tres funny. Like a queen said, "Even my raincoat will be fastened with pearls!!" or "I will only eat cakes made out of rubies!" or "My galoshes must be SOLID GOLD!" and her assistant said, "Yes, my queen."




The PippiPicks Little and Swingy Collection 2006/2007 (in collaboration with PippiPicks 2006 Fantasy Jacketz Collection and P.Anda Wedding Bikinizz Inc. Co.):
If you are a sad sack, you might need your own sad, gray sack to walk around in.











This sack on the left is $720. The sack on the right is $38. I mean, just sayin'.







This has short sleeves so it's not a "real" jacket and won't keep you warm. However, I think if I owned this it would be the kind of thing that I would wear every day and be all like, "Ooh - I'm a waitress at a faux-French cafe," or "I wear those stupid knee boots," or "Ooh - I'm about to go to hear a 'theorist' give a 'reading' at a 'bookstore,' by which I mean I am going to Target."



This is a jean jacket for pussies.








White! A great color for virgins!











The PippiPicks Puffy Rando Collection:
Puffy rando.











Where's your neck?











Flame on, friends! Orange you glad I didn't say "Banana?"

I HEART FUTURE!

If you get bored and mopey this holiday season, I have the perfect actividad for you!
Step 1: Find an office holiday party to go to.
Step 2: Scrunch up a bunch of Kleenex and glue them to yourself, like the folks at Chloe did when they designed this $3,760 dress:
Step 3: With the leftover glue, stick googly eyes and glitter all over your face and arms. Then mail a bottle of champagne to a stranger, just to surprise them.
Step 4: If there is shrimp cocktail at the office party, tuck a couple behind your ears as accessories. Then stuff a few down your dress to eat later. Take some of the cocktail sauce and mush it around your hair until it has a nice red color and tangy stink going. See? Just a couple hours ago you were moping around your apartment microwaving Pop Tarts and taking tomato juice baths! Now you are swingin'!
Step 5: Make a special friend! Offer your friend a shrimp by saying, "Whoo! A creature of the sea!"
Step 6: Try to talk your friend into believing that you are from the future and know all about how different Super Bowls end. Act out different Super Bowl commercials from the future like this one:
YOU: ...And there's this one commercial that everyone loooooooves! A flying computer comes out of a clampod and says, "Mooga, snooga!" and the money iz cheetos! I don't know what water is! My house is made of diamonds!
Step 7: Before you leave, try to get your new office friend to travel back to the future with you. When they say no, give them a present to remember your special night:
Ah! Whata holiday!

Don't Knock Boots

It is fuckin' COLD here in Blogtown and because I care about you I am DEMANDING that you start wearing your boots. You should be wearing your hat and mittens, too, but that's another story. To help you warm your cold, cold heart and icy personality, I have picked out lots of boots for you. For once, special readers, I am going to give you a special choice about what you would like to wear. Because I have the heart of a lion and the mirth of a newborn cow, I am going to give you a special PippiPicks Boot Guide '06-'07 Fashion Magical Wizardz Boot Collection 2006.
By choice, I mean that I DEMAND that you wear ankle boots all the time. Ankle boots are a trend that I can stand behind with my heart and soul because they meet my ultimate requirement: They are weird looking and Madonna-esque. I do not ever want them to disappear and I need you to help me by wearing them in all situations, even in the bathtub.
Special message to people who say things like "Ankle boots are so played out:" TELL IT TO THE JUDGE. I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU TO CALL A JUDGE AND TELL HER THAT ANKLE BOOTS ARE PLAYED OUT. Honestly, if ankle boots are played out I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.
Here are the boots that I have picked out 4 U:

As the French would say:
C'est bon! Montreal! Chocolat! Bonjour!









These used to be made in a fantastic red-pink color. These are stupidly $150, but will make you look like a classy whore. Nice!







These space
blueberries
will remind
you of your roots.










Food for Thought:
Is redder better?








Shockingly, these are boots I have actually worn. Something on PippiPicks that Pippi has? Unheard of. I recommend the far-superior gray color ("Gray: The Color of the Soul")










Look! Black boots with lots of rumply crap on them! I found one with a heel for my slutty friends and one flatter one for my flatter friends.



















If you are being a whiny bitch and being all like
"Waaaah. Wah wah. I don't WANT to wear ankle boots. I'm a whiny bitch blah blah blah" and you INSIST upon insulting and shocking my in this way, I permit you to wear these higher-than-ankle boots in the following situations: Newscast, lame open mike night, hot dog stand-themed party, and sauna.





TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!!!









I love the idea of you wearing these with a completely psycho, all-green outfit. Like, you show up to a job interview wearing these boots, a green leotard, a green leather cape, and a green burglar mask with green feathers sticking out of it. Then when they ask you, "When did you first become interested in working as a consultant?" you can say, "FLY!!! FLY!!! BE FREE!!!"

I'm not going to lie to you. These boots are pretty ugly. HOWEVER, I bet if you wore them with some kind of navy dress layered with a cowl-necked shirt, one of those sweaters that can be worn open, and then just very casually went to brunch or something, your friends would tell you that you looked, "Cute" and would act as if nothing weird was going on. Perfect
timing to dump a bag of flour on their heads.


Ok, friends. Our emotional journey has come to an end. Now put some eff-ing boots on! And a sweater, too! And a muff! And those weird ear covers! And eat something!

Many Secrets

Today I hung out in my fab cubicle and wore my beautifully biz cas pencil skirt, disguising the fact that I would prefer to wear my Pamela Anderson wedding dress instead. If you are like me and do not have a biz cas bikini, do not cry. I have found a skirt for us that is both ugly and expensive, my two favorite things.
Here is the secret of the skirt: It looks like a real pencil skirt BUT! SHOX! It is not! It is pajamaz!

See? The bottom looks tweedy but the top is squishy and made of lycra. Damn! Just button up your button down and BAM! You look like a tool of the man! No one will know that you are cuh-raaaaaaaazy.
ALSO: If you accidentally space out and take your shirt off in the middle of your office and start dumping cranberry juice on your head and singing, "WHAT KIND OF CANDY IS THIS MAGIC BEAN? I GOT THREE KINDS OF HAMBURGERS THAT THROW ME PARTYYYYY!!!!!" and a coworker is about to spot you... you can just roll up the waistband of your skirt and you will be wearing an ugly dress. Score!
Lesson: Pajama time! To celebrate, wear one of those beanies that babies wear in hospitals.