Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Don't Knock Boots

It is fuckin' COLD here in Blogtown and because I care about you I am DEMANDING that you start wearing your boots. You should be wearing your hat and mittens, too, but that's another story. To help you warm your cold, cold heart and icy personality, I have picked out lots of boots for you. For once, special readers, I am going to give you a special choice about what you would like to wear. Because I have the heart of a lion and the mirth of a newborn cow, I am going to give you a special PippiPicks Boot Guide '06-'07 Fashion Magical Wizardz Boot Collection 2006.
By choice, I mean that I DEMAND that you wear ankle boots all the time. Ankle boots are a trend that I can stand behind with my heart and soul because they meet my ultimate requirement: They are weird looking and Madonna-esque. I do not ever want them to disappear and I need you to help me by wearing them in all situations, even in the bathtub.
Special message to people who say things like "Ankle boots are so played out:" TELL IT TO THE JUDGE. I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU TO CALL A JUDGE AND TELL HER THAT ANKLE BOOTS ARE PLAYED OUT. Honestly, if ankle boots are played out I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.
Here are the boots that I have picked out 4 U:

As the French would say:
C'est bon! Montreal! Chocolat! Bonjour!

These used to be made in a fantastic red-pink color. These are stupidly $150, but will make you look like a classy whore. Nice!

These space
will remind
you of your roots.

Food for Thought:
Is redder better?

Shockingly, these are boots I have actually worn. Something on PippiPicks that Pippi has? Unheard of. I recommend the far-superior gray color ("Gray: The Color of the Soul")

Look! Black boots with lots of rumply crap on them! I found one with a heel for my slutty friends and one flatter one for my flatter friends.

If you are being a whiny bitch and being all like
"Waaaah. Wah wah. I don't WANT to wear ankle boots. I'm a whiny bitch blah blah blah" and you INSIST upon insulting and shocking my in this way, I permit you to wear these higher-than-ankle boots in the following situations: Newscast, lame open mike night, hot dog stand-themed party, and sauna.


I love the idea of you wearing these with a completely psycho, all-green outfit. Like, you show up to a job interview wearing these boots, a green leotard, a green leather cape, and a green burglar mask with green feathers sticking out of it. Then when they ask you, "When did you first become interested in working as a consultant?" you can say, "FLY!!! FLY!!! BE FREE!!!"

I'm not going to lie to you. These boots are pretty ugly. HOWEVER, I bet if you wore them with some kind of navy dress layered with a cowl-necked shirt, one of those sweaters that can be worn open, and then just very casually went to brunch or something, your friends would tell you that you looked, "Cute" and would act as if nothing weird was going on. Perfect
timing to dump a bag of flour on their heads.

Ok, friends. Our emotional journey has come to an end. Now put some eff-ing boots on! And a sweater, too! And a muff! And those weird ear covers! And eat something!


Christopher said...

Thanks, Pippi. Now I feel empowered to stand up for boots!

Sample conversation:

"Hey, boots are for bozos."

rosa said...

dear miss pippi,
I'm looking for a great pair of boots to wear in the shower - any tips?

rosa said...

The boots you recommended for the sauna are working out great!

rosa said...

Are there any boots your would recommend for cats?

rosa said...

front paws and back paws

rosa said...

If a cat is named "Boots" is it wrong for that cat to also wear boots?

rosa said...

what about a cat named Futon?

rosa said...

If Futon's companion cat (Ruby Moses) doesn't like boots, is there a different type of paw-wear they could try? sandals? flippers?

rosa said...

do you have a good kale and lentil soup recipe?

Adam said...

"What kind of boots are tho-"

"Do you know what time i-"

"Someone just stole my wal-"
"TELL IT TO THE JUDGE when you're in court testifying against that person.

Adam said...