Keyboard Pants Pick-Up Lines

Keyboard pants! Good point, Jess!
Yes, these need to be addressed:
Click on the "pic" to read keyboard-pants-related pick-up lines!

Here are my own keyboard-pants-lines:
1) "These are not a piano keyboard pants! These are computer pants!"
2) "I'd like to stick my computer in your asshole."
3) "I am hooked up to the internet! That means you can check the weather! On my schlong."

Now go! Buy these computerized pants and try these hot pick-up lines!

Adam Terrible and the Terribles!

I just saw a FANTASTIC video of frequent commenter Adam (future lead singer of the band "Adam Horrible and the Horribles") ROCKING OUT in GOLD LEGGINGS!
Yes!
Yay Adam!
FINALLY, someone LISTENS to the GOLD MANTRA!!!!!!!!

In honor of him, please wear SOMETHING gold for the next 900 days.

Honey Baked Ma'am

Tomorrow I want you to go online and buy 8 of these flower rings, one for each of your 8 "good" fingers:
$5! Now that's less expensive than a Honey Baked Ham!

By the way, I almost got my Boy-flower a Honey Baked Ham for his birthday but I had to turn back. I measured our refrig and it wouldn't fit.
CHRIS: Couldn't you just have gotten me some ham or a smaller ham?
PIPPI: No. A whole ham or no ham.

Instead, I got him a bat necklace! DAMN!!!!!!
Now I am suddenly realizing what I should have done - I should have tied a chain around a ham and made him wear it!!!!!!!!!!! Best of both gifts!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid!!!!!!!!! Stupid!!!!!!!

Steal the Groom!

Hanno recently posted this question:

"Dear Pippi,
Can you recommend a prom-style dress appropriate for crashing weddings? I want to outshine all the brides.
Warm Regards,
hanno"

Hi, Hanno.
I recommend that you wear something like this:
The hat is where you hide your flask!
After a few swigs of Wild Turkey, you can outshine the bride by doing what this model is doing - lifting your dress all the way over your head.

I suggest that you time your moonparty for the moment the bride starts walking down the aisle. Jump in front of her!
Lift your skirt!
Shake your butt at her!
Then... steal the groom!!!!!!!!!!

More Prom! Unlimited Virgins!

Prom continues!!

489 days of prom advice rages on with this glittering prom cake:
REMEMBER! As I told you in the last post, prom is about virgins!
For all my virgins, I have found the perfect dress for you:
See? It's white AND it shows your cleave!
Look - this model is saying with her eyes, "I am a BIG virgin but once I get drizzed you can be the FIRST person to paw my squishy boobs!"

YES! Prom in ON!!
Nexxt time on Pippi Picks: It's legal to drink and drive on prom night - True or False.

UPDATE: TRUE!!!

Pippi Picks Prom 2008 Kick Off!

It's prom season and it's time for YOU and all the teen virgins to WEAR MANY PROM DRESSES. I suggest that you wear 365 to symbolize the 365 days of prom season.

Prom suggestion #1: Big bad sleeves!
Suggestion #2: Pinky doo!!

Suggestion #3: Butt bag!
It's time for prom!
Don't lose your virginity yet! Wait for prom! Then be really unsafe about it! Yeah!

Pippi Picks Prom 2008 will continue for a few weeks or until I run out of virgins to advise, whichever comes first.

Cheezy Feetz!

Huh?
Here, put on these wrinkly cheese puffs!
No, that's backwards. Yeah, turn them around. Good, good.

CHEESE FEET!
CHEETO FEET!
CHEEZY POOFS!
CHEEZ LOVRZZ!!!!
GREEN BAY PACKERZZ!!!!!!!!!!

Pink Sequinzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!

I was planning to recommend that you wear this stunning pink sequin jacket:
It will bring out the pink in your lovely eyes!

I'm realizing now that I was way off track.
WHY WEAR A PINK JACKET WHEN YOU CAN WEAR A 3-PIECE PINK SEQUIN ENSEMBLE?
LOOK AT THE DETAILING ON THE SHIRT!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE MANNEQUIN'S LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY IS THAT SO SCARY?????????????????
IT'S HALLOWEEN ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE SCARIEST HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCARY MANNEQUIN LEGS HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT A PINK SUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
YEAHH!!!!!!!!!!

Only prudes won't wear head to toe pink sequin.

Spring Beauty

This week, I want you to adopt one of my favorite beauty products, the marker.
Styli-Styli makes a lipstick that is a big pen. You draw on your face and win beauty prizes!!!!!!!!
I think you should draw the lines much bigger than your normal lips. Drag-tastic!
You should also draw big, pink circles on your cheeks like a Raggedy-Ann doll.Finish the look by writing "PEN 15 CLUB" on your chin.
Smashing spring style!
Let's have a picnic!
I'll bring the pate!

Pippi Hates Your Tattoo

Pippi Pet Peeve: People with tattoos of musical notes.
Don't do it!
I know you love music! Don't proove it to me!
Exclusive Pippi Picks Interview with owner of music tattoo:

PIPPI: So, what led you to pick this tattoo?
DUDE: I LOVE music.
PIPPI: .......
DUDE: The notes symbolize my love of music.
PIPPI: What's your favorite thing about music?
DUDE: The treble clef. I love looking at it.
PIPPI: Me too.
DUDE: Do you want to get tattooed together?
PIPPI: I thought I didn't, but now I do...
DUDE: Pippi, you are like beautiful music to me. I want to give you this golden treble clef.
PIPPI: Yes! I am going to sell it! To collectors! Gold collectors!
DUDE: Now I am going to get a tattoo of the word "BELIEVE" across my back.
PIPPI: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

For information on Pippi-approved tattoos, click here for a blast from the Pippi Picks archives.