Coco Magazine!!!!!!

I have been chastised by a reader for ignoring a CRITICAL development:
COCO HAS HER OWN MAGAZINE!!!!!!!!!!!
Bringin' her bodacious butt to the Americas
I LOVE U COCO!!!!!!!! U R MY SPECIAL ONE!!!!!!!!!!
I SUPPORT YOUR MAGALOG!!!!!
I HOPE YOU SELL AS MANY COPIES AS NEWSWEEK!!!!!!!!

Also, I can't figure out how to buy it except on eBay. Any leads, readers?

Crotch

FINALLY, PANTS WITH A CROTCH BIG ENOUGH 4 MY BALLZ:
FFFFFFFFF

From 'Tude to NUUDE

I know, I know. Your biggest sexual complaint is that it takes TOO DAMN LONG to take off your corset, riding pants, and lace-up thigh-high boots. Believe me, I understand.
Your huxband is like, "Where are you coming from - a Renaissance Faire??" and you're like,
"No - I'm coming from work," and he's like
"Well, I've finally un-cinched this whale bone but now I just want to get a divorce and forget this whole amorous-ness," and you're like
"FINE. If we can't quickly become NUDE, I think we SHOULD DIVORCE."

Now you can save your marriage and speed your nude with this easy-access zipper dress:
ZIP! You're nude!!
ZIP! You're back on the job!
ZIP! You're nude!
ZIP! You're still nude!!!
Oops. Malfunction.
Ok, try that again.
ZIIIIP!
Nope, still nude.
Sigh.
I guess divorce is the only option.

Work the Bib, Girl

Good! A dress for us messy ones!
If you spill on yourself at dinner, this dress comes with a built-in bib!
An IRIDESCENT bib!and you can wear it with these shoes to make the boys go, "HUH? DES SHE HAVE AN IRIDESCENT BIB?? THAT LUCKY B*TCH!!!!!!"

Dangerous Breakfast

Dude - wouldn't it be scary to eat your Kashi out of this bowl every morning?
What if you forgot and PUT REAL POISON IN IT INSTEAD OF FIBROUS CLUSTERS???

Ceramicist "Kuehn Keramik" has planned for that, too, and you can drink your coffee out of this expressive mug:
What I'm trying to say is that breakfast is a dangerous meal.
You might go to put blueberries in your bowl and accidentally pistol-whip somebody.
Yoops!

My Watch is Giving Me a Rash!!!

Something strange is happening to my beautiful CVS watch. When I bought it a few years ago, it was white. Then the white stuff flaked off and it turned gray-brown. Now, the band is turning...green. With mysterious mold. Sometimes, it gives me a rash.

I noticed this recently in the middle of a job interview. "Yes, Mrs. Interviewer," I said, "yes, that IS mold growing on my watch and that IS, INDEED, a rash. YES, I will be a FINE, FASTIDIOUS, PUNCTUAL, and RAMBUNCTIOUS employee, PLEASE hire me and give me a bag of CASH so I can PURCHASE some CREAMS and TINCTURES to fix my RASH."

I didn't get the job, but I think it's time to get a new watch.
I would like this one, please! I will pay for it with fiberous crackers!!!!! I have a whole cupboard full of those and they are worth more than diamonds because diamonds are bad for the digestive system.

Fight Confusion with Hats and Gold!!!!

I AM NOT AMUSED that McHorrorShow McPalin is up in the polls and so NOW more than EVER I need you to wear EXACTLY what I say.
At the very least, it will cheer me up. AT THE VERY BEST IT WILL BRING GLORY TO OUR CONFUSED NATION!!!!!

To cheer me up, you should wear a velvet hat like this:
To even CHEERIER MORE ME, you should WEAR this hat WITH THIS GOLDEN BATHING SUIT!
The last step is to use the belt to smack people who try to diss community organizers.
AHH! MUCH BETTER!

Support MARLA's BAGS 2008!!!!!!!!

In addition to being a total asshole and a militaristic slut, MARLA DAVIS is a great artist and makes BAGS that you should BUY!!!!!!!!!!

Click here to visit Marla's online St-Whore-House!!!!!!!

LOOK! THIS BAG CELEBRATES HELENA BONHAM CARTER'S CRAZY TURN IN "FIGHT CLUB!!!!!!!!"THIS BAG FEATURES BOBBY DYLAN!!!!!!! I'm running into a problem here because after all these years of being sarcastic I can't tell if I'm communicating my earnest support of Marla's wares.
TAKE TWO:
GUYS - IT'S PIPPI! I'M BEING SERIOUS NOW - BUY MARLA'S SHIT!!!!!!! SUPPORT HER BIZ!!!!!!!!

No, no. That sounded sarcastic, too. I think "shit" was the wrong word. Ok, I'm going to try again:

TAKE THREE:
GUYS! LOOK! THIS BAG FEATURES THE BAND "BRIGHT EYES!!!!!!" GIVE MARLA YOUR MONEY AND BUY HER BAGS!!! SHE'S A VERY, VERY NICE PERSON!!!!!!!!! MARLA, I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A SLUT!!!!!!!
Ok, that was it. Keep Take 3!

No - seriously!!!! I mean it!!!!!! Marla is nice - seriously!!!!!!!!
C'mon!!!!!!! I'm serious this time!!!!!!! Give Marla all your frickin' cash!!!!!!!!!!
She's a big slut so she'll reward you handsomely for your purchase WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK -
MARLA!!! I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A SLUT!!!! I just thought it would be good for business!!!!!!!!!

MARLA!!!!!!! BAGS is a euphemism for BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!

TREASON!!!!!!!!

My friend Greg has alerted me to something treasonous!! There is a woman somewhere who is getting dressed without consulting me!!!!!!!!!

According to her website, whatiwore.tumblr.com, her name is Jessica Schroeder and she PICKS her own CLOTHES and takes pictures of her outfits and posts them on her blog!! Here she is:She picks her own clothes??????????!!!!!!!! How could she possibly do it without me????????

UPDATE: Oh. Actually, I approve of her outfit. I've called my enforcement team and told them they can turn the plymouth neon around and come back to base.