How to Get Laid: The Ultimate Striptease

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You Can Be Iron Man!

GUYS - I went to see Iron Man yesterday and it was SO GREAT!!!!
It was funny!
Thrilling!
Educational!
Robert Downey Jr! What a guy!
A real class act!
Good job, Iron Friends!

To celebrate, I want you to dress up like Iron Man for a few weeks.
I am already wearing my suit! Mine is made out of metal. I can't go pee!
Oh, wait. I can.
This is horrible.

Keyboard Pants Pick-Up Lines

Keyboard pants! Good point, Jess!
Yes, these need to be addressed:
Click on the "pic" to read keyboard-pants-related pick-up lines!

Here are my own keyboard-pants-lines:
1) "These are not a piano keyboard pants! These are computer pants!"
2) "I'd like to stick my computer in your asshole."
3) "I am hooked up to the internet! That means you can check the weather! On my schlong."

Now go! Buy these computerized pants and try these hot pick-up lines!

Adam Terrible and the Terribles!

I just saw a FANTASTIC video of frequent commenter Adam (future lead singer of the band "Adam Horrible and the Horribles") ROCKING OUT in GOLD LEGGINGS!
Yes!
Yay Adam!
FINALLY, someone LISTENS to the GOLD MANTRA!!!!!!!!

In honor of him, please wear SOMETHING gold for the next 900 days.

Honey Baked Ma'am

Tomorrow I want you to go online and buy 8 of these flower rings, one for each of your 8 "good" fingers:
$5! Now that's less expensive than a Honey Baked Ham!

By the way, I almost got my Boy-flower a Honey Baked Ham for his birthday but I had to turn back. I measured our refrig and it wouldn't fit.
CHRIS: Couldn't you just have gotten me some ham or a smaller ham?
PIPPI: No. A whole ham or no ham.

Instead, I got him a bat necklace! DAMN!!!!!!
Now I am suddenly realizing what I should have done - I should have tied a chain around a ham and made him wear it!!!!!!!!!!! Best of both gifts!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid!!!!!!!!! Stupid!!!!!!!

Steal the Groom!

Hanno recently posted this question:

"Dear Pippi,
Can you recommend a prom-style dress appropriate for crashing weddings? I want to outshine all the brides.
Warm Regards,
hanno"

Hi, Hanno.
I recommend that you wear something like this:
The hat is where you hide your flask!
After a few swigs of Wild Turkey, you can outshine the bride by doing what this model is doing - lifting your dress all the way over your head.

I suggest that you time your moonparty for the moment the bride starts walking down the aisle. Jump in front of her!
Lift your skirt!
Shake your butt at her!
Then... steal the groom!!!!!!!!!!

More Prom! Unlimited Virgins!

Prom continues!!

489 days of prom advice rages on with this glittering prom cake:
REMEMBER! As I told you in the last post, prom is about virgins!
For all my virgins, I have found the perfect dress for you:
See? It's white AND it shows your cleave!
Look - this model is saying with her eyes, "I am a BIG virgin but once I get drizzed you can be the FIRST person to paw my squishy boobs!"

YES! Prom in ON!!
Nexxt time on Pippi Picks: It's legal to drink and drive on prom night - True or False.

UPDATE: TRUE!!!

Pippi Picks Prom 2008 Kick Off!

It's prom season and it's time for YOU and all the teen virgins to WEAR MANY PROM DRESSES. I suggest that you wear 365 to symbolize the 365 days of prom season.

Prom suggestion #1: Big bad sleeves!
Suggestion #2: Pinky doo!!

Suggestion #3: Butt bag!
It's time for prom!
Don't lose your virginity yet! Wait for prom! Then be really unsafe about it! Yeah!

Pippi Picks Prom 2008 will continue for a few weeks or until I run out of virgins to advise, whichever comes first.

Cheezy Feetz!

Huh?
Here, put on these wrinkly cheese puffs!
No, that's backwards. Yeah, turn them around. Good, good.

CHEESE FEET!
CHEETO FEET!
CHEEZY POOFS!
CHEEZ LOVRZZ!!!!
GREEN BAY PACKERZZ!!!!!!!!!!

Pink Sequinzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!

I was planning to recommend that you wear this stunning pink sequin jacket:
It will bring out the pink in your lovely eyes!

I'm realizing now that I was way off track.
WHY WEAR A PINK JACKET WHEN YOU CAN WEAR A 3-PIECE PINK SEQUIN ENSEMBLE?
LOOK AT THE DETAILING ON THE SHIRT!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE MANNEQUIN'S LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHY IS THAT SO SCARY?????????????????
IT'S HALLOWEEN ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE SCARIEST HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCARY MANNEQUIN LEGS HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT A PINK SUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
YEAHH!!!!!!!!!!

Only prudes won't wear head to toe pink sequin.

Spring Beauty

This week, I want you to adopt one of my favorite beauty products, the marker.
Styli-Styli makes a lipstick that is a big pen. You draw on your face and win beauty prizes!!!!!!!!
I think you should draw the lines much bigger than your normal lips. Drag-tastic!
You should also draw big, pink circles on your cheeks like a Raggedy-Ann doll.Finish the look by writing "PEN 15 CLUB" on your chin.
Smashing spring style!
Let's have a picnic!
I'll bring the pate!

Pippi Hates Your Tattoo

Pippi Pet Peeve: People with tattoos of musical notes.
Don't do it!
I know you love music! Don't proove it to me!
Exclusive Pippi Picks Interview with owner of music tattoo:

PIPPI: So, what led you to pick this tattoo?
DUDE: I LOVE music.
PIPPI: .......
DUDE: The notes symbolize my love of music.
PIPPI: What's your favorite thing about music?
DUDE: The treble clef. I love looking at it.
PIPPI: Me too.
DUDE: Do you want to get tattooed together?
PIPPI: I thought I didn't, but now I do...
DUDE: Pippi, you are like beautiful music to me. I want to give you this golden treble clef.
PIPPI: Yes! I am going to sell it! To collectors! Gold collectors!
DUDE: Now I am going to get a tattoo of the word "BELIEVE" across my back.
PIPPI: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

For information on Pippi-approved tattoos, click here for a blast from the Pippi Picks archives.

Thank YOU, Stationary

I am horrible at getting it together to write thank you notes. I think this is partly because I am a disorganized fool, partly because I am mean and nasty, and mostly because I NEVER have any stationary or nice-looking cards.

I'm betting that you don't have stationary, either. If you do, please send yours to me so I can write some thank you notes.

If you don't, I think you and I should get one of the following nice cards from this funny company called Ferdinand:

Option 1: Deer playing accordion

Option 2: "You Beast!" Cards Option 3: Butt cards
Option 4: WTF stationary

We are well on our way to being hella mannered!
I can't wait!
I'm going to thank EVERYONE, especially Coco and Tender Panda.

Shoe Divorce

RATFINK!
In a shrewd move, all of my shoes are falling apart at the same time! WHYYYYYYYY?????

My beautiful Reebok Freestyles are in shreds!
They look like these but they have a silver splatter-paint design:Meanwhile, the Seychelle's flats that were supposed to be my "tidy shoes" have split open in the front. DAMN IT ALL!
Actually, they look nothing like these ones here:
What will I do now??? Go barefoot? LIE DOWN AND DIE??????
Other options:

Perforated booties:
Little animals:
Golden sneaks:
I need to get my team to stay glued to Sneaker Freaker until this is RESOLVED...
More likely: I will continue to wear my broken shoes until one gets lost in a mud pit while I am trying to retrieve my cell phone.

Henry Picks: Bumble Bee Bazaar

My cousin Henry has sent me yet another gem: A bee-themed bonanza!

He found these bee-themed Prada things:
Bee Bag! Bee shooze!
I think these things are for two types of Bee Movie fans:

1. Rich children who liked Bee Movie but are too glamorous to wear licensed Bee Movie children's clothes.
2. Grown-ups who liked Bee Movie but are too snobby to wear slutty bee costumes.
I think Prada nailed both demographics.

Reader Query

In the comments section of the last post, "Jonah," a regular reader, asked me this question:

"ear pippi,

if you were building an artificial man out of clay and using kabbalistic ritual to bring this golem to life, how would you clothe him? keep in mind that he will probably either grow to be enormous and wreck stuff. on the other hand, he might kill nazis instead.

keep in mind that i already made him, his name's Merv"

Ear Jonah,

I think this clay man should wear a snowman costume:

That way, if he starts attacking people they won't mind. I mean, would you mind if a cuddly snowman starting wrecking stuff? I would think it was cute.

Also then you can teach him the Young Jeezy song where he sings, "I'M THE SNOWMAN, BITCH!"

Pippi Picks Floppy Dicks

Oh ho! These earrings are made out of that plastic bead stuff!
How did that bead kit work? You made the design and then heated it up? Is that what we're talkin' bout here?

MEANWHILE, I just looked at the website again and realized that these are supposed to be floppy disks.

Floppy disks? BOOOOOOOOOOORING!!!!!!
How about FLOPPY DICKS!
Now THAT is what EXCITES me.

COMPROMISE:
Floppy disks filled with pictures of floppy dicks.

Mandy Moore and Joss Stone's Daughter is Fighting for Change

I don't think this shirt is that funny but right now I think this shirt is REALLY funny:
Right now, I'm imagining that this girl is trying to really make a difference with the politics and the governmentals and so she joins a bunch of dudes and ladies who are pumped up to git out the vote. They're all wearing t-shirts like this:Or "I am still voting for Huckabee even though he dropped out because I just love a good loon," and then they're yelling,
"Yay! Vote! Yeah!"
and she's yelling,
"I CUT MY OWN HAIR! YES, I DO! I THIS MYSELF!!!! IN MY BATHROOM!!!! WITH A CLIPPERS!!!"

Also, doesn't she look like a cross between Mandy Moore and Joss Stone?
Maybe they smooshed their vagines together and made a daughter. That's where daughters come from, right? And sons come from mixing balls.

In other news: Right now, only Adam has entered the big Pippi Picks contest which means he is definitely going to win. Don't worry! There's still time for you to win the big prize!

Win Big Next Week on Pippi Picks!!!!!!!!

I know how busy you are, but you need to stop leaving the house just wrapped in your sheets. Sure, it's convenient, but I don't want you flashing your precious muff every time a chilly wind blows.

This week, I want you to try this all-in-one sheet skirt instead. It has all the convenience of bedding but you don't need to hold it up while you pay for your morning miller lite tall boy.
Protect your muff!
Wrap your puff!
Fire your fluffer!

Next week on Pippi Picks: Win free tickets to EuroDisney.

UPDATE: Plane tickets not included.

UPDATE: EuroDisney not included.

UPDATE: Next week on Pippi Picks! Win a free scone!

UPDATE: Win 3 free old scones.

UPDATE: Includes other stuff in my fridge.

UPDATE: Includes old chicken and broccoli.

HAH! LE CAVOOF!

This weekend, I want you to wear something that will add an element of surprise to your life.

When you walk toward your admirers, they will say, "Oh. She is wearing le jacket! Whatoovs!"
That's when you turn around and say,
"OOF! I HAVE CAVOOFED YOU!"
"SACRE BLEU!" they'll say. "LE CAVOOF!"
"OUI! LE CAVOOF!"
"ONCE AGAIN, WE HAVE BEEN CAVOOFED BY OUR OWN CALOOOVF!"
"Yes. Once again, Madeliene."

Hah hah!
You are truly le bouf cazvoof!!!!!

Over-the-Counter Capes

Blech!
It's raining and I have a cold!
No person has ever withstood such terrible hardship!

Only ONE THING can make me feel better and that's a cropped satin cape!
Thank franz it has a hood, too!
Nothing is sexier than alluringly flopping your cape while glugging Nyquil!

Update: One thing is sexier - SPECIAL PANDA'S BONE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN HER SPECIAL SPINE BONE IS AN A+++++++++!!!!!!!!

Coco Sweeps the Pippi Awards

Yes! At last!
This is what you should wear EVERY DAY!
To support you, I will wear this every day too.

Timeless!
One piece!
Shiny!
Show your squishies!!

You who else needs to wear this?
COCO, ICE T'S WONDERFULLY SQUISHY WIFE!!!For wearing a small bikini, I am awarding Coco the Pippi Picks 2007/2008 Special Squishy and Formerly Known as Nicole Austin Then Married Ice T Award.

I'ma gonna hug your butt, Coco!