MAC is the King of Drag Make-Up

Obviously, MAC is the King of make-up. It can make any man, woman, or child feel like a beautiful drag queen in minutes. I own all the MAC colors that look like clown make up: Hot pink lipstick, fluorescent green eye shadow, and chunky gold crayons. Drag-tastic! I am usually very frugal and even found my boyfriend by digging through a garbage bin. HOWEVER, MAC is more valuable than gold.
Shockingly, I just purchased some MAC goo that I can actually wear in my cubicle: Pictured above is MAC tinted lip conditioner WITH my best friend, SPF. FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.
SPF = MAJOR BENEFITS including smooches, etc, sun protection, beach parties, etc.
MEANWHILE, go get this gooey shit! It's delightful. And very tasteful. I got the "Petting Pink" color and it is like a delightful lip balm for the lord's own tender angels. You can wear your drag make up after work.

OMG Talking DUCK

I am so tired tonight that if I was FORCED to go to some fab party with Rod Stewart as special guest performer I would STILL have to find a way to go in my jammies.
That is why right now I am so drawn to this nice-looking squishy:
No one would notice that I was going whole jammie, right? Maybe some annoying talking duck would notice.
PIPPI: Wow. Rod Stewart is JAMMING right now.
TALKING DUCK: You are totally wearing your jammies, aren't you? Can't you wear, like, a real pants and stuff at least once?
P: Duck, you need to get off my case.
TD: No, Pippi. YOU need to stop trying to wear jammies outside of your home. It needs to stop.
P: C'mon! This looks like a dress, right? A sweater...dress. A shirt, right?
TD: Do your earrings say VIP?
P: PIP, duh.
TD: I should really get back to the pond before the Head Duck notices.
P: Who invited you to this party?
TD: Dean.
P: I hate that guy.
TD: Oh go to H.
P: Shut up or I'll eat you l'orange.
TD: Whatever, jammie face.
P: Look over there - bread crumbs!
TD: WHERE???
P: Gotcha!!
TD: Quaaaaack.
P: Meow.
Talking Pig: Oink.
Canadian: Eh?

FIN

PIP is a VIP

I know, I know. These earrings are supposed to say "VIP."
It is not a coincidence that "VIP" and "PIP"look the same when you squint.

Pippi Offers Wise Advice

I want to take a moment to thank all of the tender folks who have posted comments on Pippi Picks and sent me loving and encouraging fan mail. Your fine support how given me the inner strength to seek out ever more beautiful things for you to wear. I salute you.
One of these fine fellows is my friend Jonah. This past weekend, during a Power Hour, he and I made a drunken pact to attend rabbinical school together and become traveling rabbis. I'm still in. He has now raised an interesting question: What should a rabbi wear?
Answer: Have you seen Dancing with the Stars?
Imagine going to services and seeing your rabbi wearing this:HOW ABOUT THIS?
With your mouth dropped open in awe at your beautiful Rabbi, how could you not experience the divine? Hello!
These fine frocks will have your congregants whispering, "OH...
...MY...
...G-DOG."This Rabbi is hiding behind a post to say, "Shabbat Shalom!"to one and all:
This Rabbi is ready to lead the congregation in song:
This Rabbi says, "Brrr! It is chilly dogs and burgers up here!"
I hope I answered your question.

DID YOU KNOW??

While poking around on a site called "Oak NYC," I found some things that might interest you:

1. Dear mens:
I like it when mens wear REALLY tight jeans and not just because I'm a perv. Men wearing tight jeans are just hi-laaaaaaarious, like chickens. Bahk bahk! Skinny legs!
I'm serious, friends! Put on these little white pants! Plus! Here's some advice: Don't poop! If you poop your tight white pants, all your friends will know. Wait until you get home.
SPEAKING OF MEN AND BUTTS:
DID YOU KNOW?
That there is a magazine called BUTT MAGAZINE?
DID YOU KNOW...
That there is a magazine called FANTASTIC MAN?CHICKEN + NO SHIRT = FANTASTIC.

UNRELATED:
Also: nice shirt, right?

ALSO:
Picture yourself in this shapely heel reading "FANTASTIC MAN" while your boyfriend tries to get tomato sauce off of his skinny white jeans. Niiiiiiiiice...I don't get it. Oh! Now I get it. Oh. No. I don't get it. OK, how about this: You and a pig are in a spaceship, the pig is wearing heels, you're on the cover of BUTT magazine and the pig is also wearing skinny jeans. And the spaceship is a fantastic ship. whoa. this should tide you over until 4/20.

Applesauce

"P.M.C.W.," the prez of the Pippi Picks West Coast Fan Club, sent me an email alerting me to a fantastic gift to humankind: Nelly's clothing line, Apple Bottoms. Thank you, prez!
The mission of Applebottoms? "It’s their mission to celebrate and liberate the natural curves of a woman’s body." Liberate! Tush, break free! Boobs, fly home! Everybody party! I can get behind that.
Click on the seductive photo below to learn the full Nelly story:

I'm very happy that Nelly has designed this fabulous tummy shirt. Puh-lease, Puh-leeease wear this to a party. Puh-lease! You can pretend that you're being all ironic and your silly friends will be like, "That's hilaaaaaaaaarious," but you and I will know that you are LIBERATING the tummy! TUMMY, DO YOUR WILL!!!!! ANYTHING YOU SAY, WONDERFUL TUMMY!!!!!!MEANWHILE, purchase your very own JUMPSUIT:

That will make you feel ALIVE.

Now GO! Be free!

BE FREE!!!!!

Pippi Picks Coyote Ugly

Last night I watched an amazing tv show called "The Search for Picking the Next and Greatest and also Most "Spunkiest" Coyote Ugly Ultimate Bartender," or something like that. It's based on the Coyote Ugly bar chain. As you might remember, this bar had a TERRIBLE movie made about it (called, of course, "Coyote Ugly,") starring Piper Perabo, Leann Rimes, and Tyra Banks. I saw it at the drive in (that was the only good part).

You should watch this TV show and this movie and go to this bar. Why? So you can wear a slutty outfit and pick up chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicks. And get drizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzed. On Kamikazeeeeeeessssssssss. And Budddd. With your Booooooooyfriend. Named Hammer. MC Hammer. MC Hammer is your boyfriend? You ANIMAL.

Here's what to wear while sitting in front of your TV. It will help you relate to the characters:

First: You need a shirt that will show off your fun bags. You should also show off your fun tummy.

You also need to wear the littlest shorts possible.Then you should put on cowboy boots because shorts + cowboy boots = chilly knees.
For the last element of your outfit, I give you a choice:
You can either wear a big, nasty Bud belt buckle:
Or a big, classy pin-up belt buckle:

Now jump on the bar and pretend that you are Tom Cruise in "Cocktail." Cogland's Law, bitches.

Pippi Picks EverythingWolf.com

It is my boyfriend's birthday on Friday and I have narrowed his birthday present down to the following things:

Thing 1: This promising tank (perfect for showing off his fantastic pits):
Thing 2: A wolf shirt.
The copy for the shirt above reads: "The print is realistic and sure to impress anyone who likes wolves."

For your own good, please go to http://www.everythingwolf.com/.

Pippi Drags Bebe Spears Into All of This

Huge, honkin' gold watches are truly great and everybody should probably wear six or seven of them at a time. On their arms and legs. Of course, right now I am wearing a plain, white watch that I got at CVS but you knew that already, didn't you.
This watch is perfect because it is honkin', gold, and bejeweled (or HGB). If your watch is HGB you can expect that all your dreams will come true.
You should also be sure to wear your watch with a dress that doesn't constrict your movement too much. That way, when you get tired of standing and being applauded by strangers, you can lounge on a white, leather sofa and flash your cooch like Bebe Spears.
I did not mean to drag Bebe into all of this. I'm sorry, friend.
Bebe Spears: It's ok. My kids are wearing matching outfits right now.
Pippi: That's so cute!
Bebe: No, Pippi, YOU'RE cute.
Pippi: Thank you, special star! You were in Crossroads!
Bebe: You noticed!
Pippi: Of course. Have some turkey jerky.
Bebe: Yummo!

Guest Editor: Henry Picks

For this post, my amazing cousin, Henry, has picked out a glorious outfit for you. Henry has the bargaining instincts of a fishmonger paired with the peachy taste of a Gwen Stefani.
HENRY RECOMMENDS:
A. This disco-ball-esque casual-glam silver sparkly shirt:
B. This tasteful white skirt:
C. These INCREDIBLE pink pumps that will make you look like a glamorous baby (see diaper cake for more info):

D. This crinkly and chic leather bag:E. This inexpensive Tiffany's bracelet:

F. This terrifying hat:Skirt: $695
Hat: $160
Shirt: $297
Bag: $1,445
Pumps: $395
Bracelet: $1,500

OUTFIT TOTAL: $4,492
BEING DRESSED BY HENRY: PRICELESS

Slut Shower

Thanks to Eli's fine recommendation, I was shocked and awed by the disgusting world of diaper cakes. They are cake-shaped stacks of diapers for fancy baby shower gifts. Imagine! A diaper for eating! That is just dirty.
Now we know where those Hollywood types get their shit-eating grins, eh? GET IT? BECAUSE POOP + EATING = POOPY FACE!!!!!!!
Math problem:
Diapers + Cakes = crapcakes
Ladies + Baby Shower = That slut got knoooooooooocked uuuuuuuup!

Dear Knocked Up Sluts: For your upcoming baby shower, I think it would be funny if you wore a dress that was kind of prim up top and then awkwardly short around the botto:
You should roll around on your sofa and lounge in such a way that you reveal that you are wearing weird, skanky, unders:A "skirted thong?" Hmm. Knocked up sluts are cuh-raaaaaazy!
Also: I bought you a blender for your shower!
Update: Oops! That's for a wedding shower!
Update: I bought you a diaper cake for your baby shower!
Sigh. The cycle begins again.